Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts

Friday, November 4, 2011

"Maybe you'll start feeling better if you stop reading WebMD"

I wish that I could get a cold without automatically thinking I have AIDS or cancer or Lupus. I once saw a billboard that said, "Could you have Lupus?" and immediately thought to myself, Could I?! And then proceeded to WebMD Lupus symptoms in order to confirm or deny my diagnosis. 


This is not normal. However, browsing someecards.com makes me feel like I'm not alone:




Currently, I'm ill with what is most likely a cold or flu virus, but I can't stop thinking that I'm nearing death. I'm popping Vitamin C like a drug addict even though that definitely won't cure the cancer I inevitably have. 




Worst of all, I'm worried this illness is going to ruin my weekend. I live for the weekend. Without the weekend, I would sink into a deep, dark depression and consequently feel suicidal (side effect of depression, confirmed via WebMD). 


Are you guys scared of me yet?

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Teenage Witch Dreams

I love love love Fall. It is without a doubt my favorite season. That probably makes a lot of sense since, in literature, fall typically represents death/dying, and according to most you reading, I'm "emo."

In addition to morbidity, fall encompasses some of my very favorite things. For example:
      • pumpkin
      • Oktoberfest
      • football
      • Thanksgiving
      • witches

This year, I will finally live my dream and be a witch for Halloween. Not only because I've always wanted to be a witch (And by wanted to be a witch I mean believed I was a witch until approximately age 22 when I came to the sad realization I was never getting my powers on my birthday like they do in the movies. God damn it all.), but also because I spent $7 on a witch hat fascinator in Salem and have a saucy black dress hiding in the back of my closet.


Now, while I love witches and magic and general mysticism, I am absolutely terrified of almost everything. For example, last year I was FORCED AGAINST MY WILL to enter a haunted house in Salem which resulted in me crying and screaming, "You can't touch me, I'll sue you!" at anyone within earshot. 

This has been the case since I was a little girl. Once, my family went to Belcourt Castle in Rhode Island and upon being greeted by a somewhat creepy individual, I burst out crying, causing my dad to have to sit in the car with me for an hour while the rest of my family enjoyed the tour. What a good dad. I also once threw up and peed on him simultaneously during a thunderstorm*. I promise I've grown out of that fear. Unless you're into that kind of thing.

*Editor's Note: I was 4.