Things I learned this weekend

1. This picture quite accurately portrays my neighborhood:

2. Men and women have very different experiences at the beach. Women like to lay and read, while men need to constantly play catch.

3. If you go to the beach with all guys, they'll joke about how funny it would be if you got sucked out to sea. #friendship

4. They'll also bring dick towels.
5. Pasta salad is "too heavy for the beach".
6. Before I die I want to:

7. On that note, the other night I had a dream that I could turn into a dragon. It was the most bad ass dream I've ever had.
8. When I go to the bar, I ask for crayons and draw nearly perfect representations of people's favorite animals.

Monsieur Cantfly Sofly

9. Sylvia Plath impeccably described my college experience in one sentence:

10. I took a quiz and found out that I would be sorted into HUFFLEPUFF. This was a life-altering revelation.
11. I also asked an unbiased third-party to tell me what house he thought I would be in, and he immediately, without any hesitation, answered Hufflepuff.
12. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? I AM A RAVENCLAW.

13. I'm feeling the F out of this album:

14. The 50 Shades of Grey trailer has caused me to have a feminist crisis. I would like to discuss this with someone sometime immediately*.

15. I am taking a day off this week just to sleep. And hopefully write something for you all.

What did you learn this weekend?







*Editor's Note: I have not read this book. I only watched the trailer because Beyonce posted it (obviously). I still need to talk about it in depth. 

Don't think she's just his little wife.

I know you've all been waiting for me to comment on the Beyonce / Jay-Z drama that's happening all over the internet right now, so here's my comment: WHATEVER.

I really don't care if they do or don't get divorced, and I also don't know why anyone would be shocked at this point. Beyonce has been writing songs about infidelity since 1999 and for some reason everyone's just noticing this now? Did everyone think Jay-Z was faithful to her up until this year?

Second of all, Beyonce doesn't need Jay-Z to be queen. Let's get real, Jay hasn't put out a good album since 2009. He's riding on Beyonce's coattails. 

Literally.

And that's fine. I aspire to be the breadwinner of the family. You go, girl. 

And to everyone who is all like: "Their marriage is just a business deal!", my response is: Duh. Marriage has always been a business deal. Read the bible. 

The point is Beyonce is and will continue to be the most powerful female celebrity in the world, regardless. None of this matters. 

Bow down.

*And if all of this is just a rumor, then congratulations to them on their beautiful love affair. And all that money.

Gym Time

Remember that time I wrote a heartfelt, romantic post about my gym and how it was the most successful relationship I've ever been in and how I would never leave it because it was so special to me, blah blah blah? Yeah, I totally quit that shit. Kicked it to the curb! Turns out the extra hour that getting there and back added on to my life wasn't worth it. Because my time is PRECIOUS and also I need to be home in time for Jeopardy! (thisiswhyyouresingle.com).

"What is getting shot in the face? ... by Dick Cheney?"

As you may or may not know, I work at a university that gives me access to multiple gyms for $30 a year (aka free), so why I ever paid for a gym is something I don't want to spend my time justifying to you, or to myself anymore. Given the cost and the amount of students/staff here, I expected the gyms to be dismal, putrid places, and so I mentally prepared for such, but they are actually really quite acceptable. No, they don't have free lotion or tampons, but they are still better than Planet Fitness and did I mention they are (almost) free?

This week, I began going to the gym during the work day for the first time and, let me tell you, it is JOYOUS. It's so nice to get my workout over with and be able to go home (or to happy hour) right after work. I recognize that I am particularly lucky to be able to do this and that it is only possible because:

1. The gym is a 2 minute walk from my office.
2. I can take my "lunch break" whenever I want.
3. My hair rarely needs to be washed/brushed/styled (at least in my mind)
4. It takes me approximately 65 seconds for me to put on make up.
5. I am very low maintenance.

The best part about this very new routine is that I actually leave my office. Otherwise, I sit at my desk for 8-9 hours straight, not including the 30 seconds I get up each hour when my you're-going-to-die-from-sitting timer goes off. Why didn't I do this before?!

Totally unrelated to this post but 100% related to my life.

Things I learned this weekend

1. If you throw a ball for a dog once, you throw a ball for a dog 100 times.

2. This is the only 100 calorie pack I will ever care about.

3. Boo loves me so much more these days.

4. I incorporate Beyonce into all aspects of my life including baby showers.

5. I like Lake George more than Cape Cod. [Cue onslaught.]

6. I haven't cared about flavored iced coffee since 2004... but then I had this coconut iced coffee from Honey Dew.

7. Sorry I'm not sorry.

8. This is just a collection of photos you've probably already seen on instagram.

What did you learn this weekend? 

Birth Control for Cats

This doesn't even make sense. Enjoy!

Too busy for the internet.

Hi friends. It's been a while, and I'm sorry. That is, if you've noticed. If you haven't noticed, well then fuck you!

Just kidding. I don't care. I've been really busy lately. Don't you hate when people say that? Like their life is so fucking important. Sorry I couldn't call you back - I've been so busy! Sorry I disappeared from your life all together. I'm just sooooo busy.  My job that involves sitting at a desk all day is too overwhelming for me to remember that you exist! [This concludes my vague bitter rant about men who have ghosted on me in the past.]

Blingee.

I actually am so fucking busy, though. My job has fairly drastically changed over the last few weeks which means I have to spend the majority of my day doing actual work as opposed to looking at the internet. WOE IS ME.

Don't get me wrong. I am still having a lot of fun (read: drinks). I also joined OKcupid, which is one of the scariest places on [virtual] earth. Why I joined now, when I have relatively no free time, is a mystery to me as well as to everyone I've communicated with, but I wouldn't be me if I didn't constantly overbook my life so that I feel perpetual stress and anxiety.

Most stressed 2004-present.

But let's talk about OkCupid. It's perfect for my generation of people who need to be simultaneously over-stimulated and immediately satisfied.  For example, if you want to jump right into a relationship, you can simply skip the courtship part and just read someone's answers to hundreds of incredibly invasive questions, such as:

"Do you like to be choked during sex?"

For the record, I didn't answer that one. There are some things I think people should discover over time, like whether or not you enjoy S&M. I'm just old-fashioned in that way, you know?

Here's a question that has explained a lot about the difference between men and women:

"Is foreplay necessary before sex?" 

Literally every man I've looked at has answered this question with "no".

As you will note, 98% of the questions are sexual, so I'm not even sure if OkCupid is a dating website or more like a free escort service, in which case, I am using it incorrectly. Who knows? Maybe I'll figure that out when I'm not soooooo busy.

MY BLOG IS DEAD, YOU GUYS.

On the Run at a Standstill

I almost cannot talk about last night as it was one of the most disappointing and yet also wonderful nights of my life.

Queen Bey (and Jay-Z) performed at Gillette Stadium, which will go down in history is one of the worst concert venues of all time. We were in traffic for 4 hours which was partly due to rush hour but also partly due to the fact that they were spending 3-5 minutes on each car to collect money for parking because after spending over $100 on a concert ticket, you have to pay another $40 to enter the M-F stadium. DON'T YOU ALREADY HAVE ENOUGH MONEY, ROBERT KRAFT?! (Not quite sure he actually owns Gillette, but either way, I'm pissed and want to blame someone for my problems.)

Anyway, in result, we missed half of the show, and I obviously cried about it, but what we did see was glorious. Jay-Z and Beyoncé are truly the most glamorous couple on planet earth. They are also amazing, as in causing amazement.

Basically, I experienced almost every emotion last night, including but not limited to:

• excitement
• anxiety
• envy
• desperation
• anger
• rage
• hopelessness
• disappointment
• sadness
• pain
• joy
• wonderment
• empathy
• pride
• love
• exhaustion

Is exhaustion an emotion? Is victimization an emotion? Because I felt personally victimized by Gillette Stadium.  

On the bright side, I did get to see Yoncé cover Lauryn Hill and make love to an ottoman, so that was pretty fucking great. I also particularly enjoyed the Blue Ivy montage, but it made me wonder if they only spend time with her when they are on vacation (which is either always or never since they are both incredibly rich but constantly working). I think I'm going to start calling Boo, Boo Ivy, since he probably sees his mom as much as she does.

Mostly,  I spent (what I saw of) the show wondering how one becomes Beyoncé. Because that is my aspiration in life. That, and to be happy.