Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween, friends!

Today also happens to be Boo's official (except not really because he was FOUND ON THE TRACKS and I have no idea when he was actually born) birthday! His name is no coincidence. Anyway, he was so excited that he was up all night running around my bedroom and jumping on my head every 30 seconds - I slept great!!!

Unfortunately, due to his recent "diagnosis," Boo will not be allowed anymore birthday treats this year. His party a couple weeks ago (which he loved so so much) was enough celebration. I, on the other hand, will be spending the day trolling other offices for Halloween candy and/or eating the bag of PayDays I will inevitably buy at CVS on my lunch break.

Mm PayDays, what an underrated candy. So good.

See what I did there?

How are you spending your Halloween? Or, more importantly, what are you eating?

Hurricane Sandy Relief Effort

I am very grateful to say that I made it through Sandy with little to no problems. Even my family and friends on the Cape fared pretty well. Massachusetts was fortunate enough to have avoided major damage. However, New York and New Jersey weren't so lucky. The damage to both of these states has been called "incalculable" and "devastating." Recovery is going to be a massive task and these areas need all the help they can get.

The American Red Cross is looking for as many donations as possible to help with Hurricane Sandy relief. Please consider donating to local Red Cross chapters in regions directly affected by the storm, such as the South Central New York chapter (here):

Of course, other states in the Northeast have also been affected by the hurricane, but (so far) New York and New Jersey  have had it the worst. If you wish, you can also make a general donation to the American Red Cross through its website.

As President Obama said yesterday, "The great thing about America is that when we go through tough times like this, we all pull together." 

Do they make Lean Cuisines for cats?

After centuries of debate, I think I can put an end to the argument that is Nature vs. Nurture.

Last week, I took Boo to the vet for a check up and was told that he had gained over a pound in less than 9 months. Over a pound! That's like if you gained 10 lbs in 9 months. It's pretty drastic. At this point, the vet wants Boo to lose 1-2 lbs, which means he is now on a strict diet.

I blame myself.

Weight watching.

When I'm hungry, it's scary times for everyone around me. I am hostile and emotional. I once cried because a bouncer at a bar told me that the kitchen was closed. This food panic is apparently something that runs in my family as my sister has told me the only real fight she's ever had with her boyfriend was about when and where to eat.

The thing is, I'm apparently not rational enough to remember I am a middle-income American who is surrounded by food at all times. Even at 3 am, I can go to CVS and get a box of Cheez-Its if need be. Yet, when I'm hungry, I act like I am most definitely going to starve to death. Immediately.

Likewise, sometimes, if I'm gone for more than 24 hours, I come home to Boo's food bowl flipped over (presumably in fury), water all over the floor, and a chewed up sweet potato that he stole off the counter. It is the image of desperation.

Starvation.

Every time he eats, he acts like it's his last. He rarely breathes between breaths.  His ass is getting huge.

Carb face.

The parallels are stunning.

BOO 2012

You may think your vote doesn't matter, but it does!

Keep checking back for more pictures.

Do the right thing. Vote Boo 2012. 

Presidency of Dunces

It's a mystery to me why anyone would ever want to be the President of the United States. That basically sounds like the worst job ever. Let me tell you, as someone who has experience in politics (Junior Class President '02-'03), representing a group of people BLOWS. Someone hates you at all times. No matter what you do.

For example, say you try to be all diplomatic and shit and let people vote on your Powder Puff team name, even though you already had an awesome one in mind (Whopper Juniors): somehow you'll end up with the name JUVENILE JUNIORS (as in the rapper) and a SMOKING BABY on your jersey. And then people will all be like, "I don't want to wear that!" And then you'll be like, "Don't tell me, tell the rest of the class who voted for it!" And they'll all be like, "Whatever, I'm not really into politics anyway," or something.

But seriously, how was this allowed in school?

People will also call you Stalin when you walk down the hall. Because, you know, somehow your Spirit Week plans are relative to those of a RUSSIAN DICTATOR.

In summary, you will be slandered all day, 'er day. And you will hate your life and you will have no free time and relatively few friends. And you will spend prom crying because the guitarist in the band you hired had to go to the hospital after a freak accident caused a guitar string to lodge itself into his hand. And then your term will end and you won't run again because that shit fucking sucked and why do you care about group of people who legitimately want to wear a smoking baby on their shirt anyway? 

What I'm trying to say is that it's astonishing to me that either of the current presidential candidates actually wants the job they're campaigning for. And also, I can't fucking wait for this election to be over. 

Cat Party!

If you thought I was a crazy cat lady before, get ready for this one...

Since Boo's birthday is this month, I threw him a party this weekend. Of course, this wasn't your run-of-the-mill cat party; this was the cat party of the year!

"Eat, drink, and be meowy."

Not only were there cake, streamers, party hats, and noise makers, there were also Make-Your-Own Boo-ritos and Pin the Tail on the Babis.

One of my friends kept saying, "This is the most ridiculous thing that's ever happened," which might be true. However, since approximately 20 people showed up, I have to think it was also pretty fucking awesome.

As it turns out,  Boo isn't actually much of a partier. He spent most of the time hiding in my bedroom, and he also slapped my friend Mike across the face. But, to be fair, a lot of people slap people across the face at parties. Granted, those people are usually drunk, but still. Anyway, I did manage to drag Boo out of my room to blow out the candles on his birthday cake, but he didn't last long:

Despite the fact that the party was probably Boo's worst nightmare, I'd say it was a roaring success. Especially for me.

Presents for me!

Whatever, guys. I'm just owning it at this point.

Hypochondria

This morning, I went to the doctor to have a couple moles checked out because one of them was itchy. Of course, WebMD had told me that an itchy mole is a symptom of MELANOMA, so I freaked the fuck out.

Note: I once saw a billboard that said: "Do you have lupus?' and reacted by shouting "DO I?!" in public and then immediately googling the symptoms.

I do not have lupus.

I also do not have melanoma.

As it turns out, the moles on my stomach are not even moles, and I actually have a skin fungus. A fungus! Gross, right? But better than the big C, that's for sure.

My doctor sent me away with some topical cream and also some sage advice:

"Do not ever look anything up on Google."

Bullying Shmullying

Yesterday, I posted the following video on my Facebook page:

Watch it because I'm not going to explain it to you. But I will point out that the anchor calls this incident bullying. Some people have disagreed with her. Some people agree with the writer. Some people think it doesn't fit the technical definition of bullying. I'm not sure if anyone who has ever been bullied would agree with them.

"Bully" is such a juvenile term. It's something that invokes images of playgrounds and wedgies. Or at least it used to. It's become so much more than that. People bully and get bullied throughout their entire lives. They sit behind their computers in the comfort of their bedroom and write terrible things about people they don't know. They eat lunch alone because their coworkers won't invite them out with them. I read an article recently about how people, adults, legitimately worry about what people think of them because of the brand of coffee they are carrying. We have become so judgmental of and awful to each other that grown adults are scared that people will think negatively of them because of what their fucking coffee cup looks like. That is bull shit. We should be better than that.

In 6th grade, I almost never went to school because kids were so mean to me. Luckily, I overcame that. I made many many genuinely good friends. And more importantly, I realized that what I think about myself is more important than what anyone else thinks of me. Yet, sometimes when I cross the street, I still have an innate fear that someone will lean out their window and scream "You're fat!" at me (based on true events). Bullying has lifelong effects. Some people manage them better than others. Some people don't manage them at all.

So, perhaps instead of judging other people, we should focus on ourselves.  You think obesity is a problem? Then promote a healthy lifestyle. You think Dunkin' Donuts is unclassy? Don't drink it. You can't believe that girl would wear that? Ask yourself, "How the fuck does her outfit affect me?" Self-awareness could cure a lot of our nation's problems. Let's all get some.

Paleo Shmaleo

I'm about to offend a lot of people, but I'm not sorry about it. I'm trying to help you. I'm trying to teach you that carbs are OK. All of them. Even the ones in Oreos. They're OK! So just eat them and be thankful that you live in America in the year 2012 and have running water and a working toilet and grocery stores full of food in all of its glorious forms.

My point is: the Paleo Diet is stupid. Why do people do it? To live like the cavemen? It's like, I am so white and privileged that I'm going to deprive myself. For fun! For my health! Because every nutritionist will tell you that you should absolutely eliminate entire food groups from your diet.

But, just FYI, it's very doubtful that cavemen made pickled eggs in all of those mason jars they had lying around. It's also pretty unlikely that they ground up almonds to make MAGIC COOKIE BARS. And they definitely did not shop at Whole Foods. They scavenged and hunted. So if you really want to be cavemen, I suggest you take off all of your clothes and go kill squirrels in the park near your apartment. Otherwise, you can just live like it's 2012. And that's OK! It doesn't make you a bad person. It just makes you an EVOLVED person, a person who walks on pavement and uses an electric stove to cook. And it's fucking fine!

Do you want to look like this?

My main issue with the Paleo Diet, and any fad diet, is the pomposity that comes along with it.  Oh, you're eating flour? (Insert disgusted look here.) I don't eat that.  Well, actually you do. You know how I know that?  Because I see you post pictures of the ice cream and cake and bread bowls that you eat on your "cheat days" on Facebook. Which brings me to my next point: the Paleo Diet, like any diet, is not sustainable. And in a year or two when everyone forgets about it, and it gets filed away in your memories next to the Atkins Diet, you'll be happily eating processed meat at a McDonald's on your road trip to Las Vegas. And I will know that because you'll post it on Facebook.

And it will still be OK.