Soft Claws

Sometimes I feel like I have had a newborn baby for three and a half years. This is because my cat wakes me up no less than 10 times a night. Usually when this happens, I scream obscenities at him and cry myself back to sleep, only to be woken up again 20 minutes later. I become resentful and start to hate him. I consider putting him back out on the street. But then, when I get up for the day, I see how aesthetically perfect he is and forget the pain and suffering I felt the night before. I can only imagine that this is what parenting must feel like. Or an abusive relationship. 

Immaculate.

A few weeks ago, I decided that I had had enough of his bullshit and locked him out of my room for the night. I shoved a towel underneath my door so he couldn't stick his paws under it and shake it, causing an earthquake-like effect, as he normally does. It worked. And that was the best night's sleep I have had in a long while.

Of course, that did not come without a cost -- Boo punished me for locking him out of my room by tearing up my carpet. And by "my carpet" I mean my landlord's carpet, and by "tearing up" I mean literally ripping it out of the floor. This caused widespread panic. I was afraid for my basement garden-level apartment. I was afraid for my life.

However, thanks to the internet, I found a solution -- Soft Claws.

(Is that David Bowie?!)

Soft Claws are essentially acrylic nails for cats. They are supposed to prevent cats from ruining things / making people bleed. And, according to the video, they are "surprisingly easy" to put on.

Super-glue and bribery.

False. The first time I applied these to Boo was a traumatizing experience: He cried. I cried. There was fur super-glued to my hands. It was a mess. 

Screamo emo.

However, since then, it has gotten a lot easier, and I now give Boo manicures on the reg. I feel like a small Asian woman covered in fur.