Resolutions

It's that time of year again when people come up with lofty goals in an effort to improve themselves, most of which constitute eating sad food and taking up valuable space in the gym locker room for a couple weeks. Unlike these kinds of people, I have always tried to make my resolutions reachable because I like feeling successful, or because I'm lazy. Last year, however, I ambitiously came up with 12 resolutions. Now it's time to see how I did. 

Resolutions for 2014:

1. Buy fresh foods. What does this mean really? I mean, everything was fresh at one point, right?

2. Cook said foods. Does boiling water count as cooking? But seriously, I make most of my meals now, especially if you consider chips and salsa a meal.

3. Make my own coffee. I can't even tell you how dramatically my life has improved since buying a french press. 

4. Eliminate fat talk from my vocabulary. Every day's a struggle (RIP Biggie). I haven't yet perfected this, but I will say it makes me want to stab myself in the ears whenever I hear anyone else fat talk, so that's an improvement.

5. Be less internety.  LOL.

6. "Advance professionally"  One time, I accidentally sent a job application to 900+ people including my boss and ended up getting a raise.

7. Perform at an open mic night. I'm sort of doing this on New Year's Eve, just in the nick of time! But I'm not telling you when or where because I'm terrified and my act might just be me drinking a bottle of wine on stage and crying.

8. Write a book. To be fair, I did start writing a book, but I hated everything I wrote. Also, how many more books about the horrors of dating do we really need? Let me sum it up for you: Dating is the pits. Someone save me from this hellish nightmare!!!!!
9.  Go to sleep at a reasonable hour/fall asleep/stay asleep/SLEEP. I got some drugs. They work.
10. Get up early enough to walk to work. No.
11. Learn how to paint my nails. Success! I got maybe one manicure in all of 2014.
12. Get on GirlCode. I don't have cable anymore and actually forgot about this show until now, but I'd still like to be on it. Someone call up MTV for me.

Possible resolutions for 2015:

1. Convince more people to come to my apartment so I never have to leave it.

2. Take the Game of Thrones tour in Iceland.

3. Watch all of these movies so I can fit in with society and also stop hearing people say, "OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T SEE [THIS MOVIE I LIKE]."

What are your resolutions?