50 Shades of Starving

Confession: I saw 50 Shades of Grey... and it was precisely how I thought it would be. In fact, my preemptive review was spot on, so I don't have any more to say about it on the feminist front (you're welcome). I will say that it was entirely too long, but I feel that way about almost every movie. In general, the only reason I go to the movies is because someone asks me to, or because I want an excuse to drink a gallon of Diet Coke.

YOU'RE ALL JUDGING ME ABOUT EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. WHATEVER.

Anyway, overall, the sex was pretty tame, which could be because they wanted to be able to show the movie in mainstream theaters; but, nevertheless, if that's all I have to do to get someone to buy me a car and a laptop [and pay my student loans], then by all means, I'll sign a contract! Just kidding, just kidding, just kidding. Sort of.

When Anastasia revealed that she was a virgin, I exclaimed "jackpot!" because I couldn't hold back, because I had to combat that cliche somehow, because I came here to be entertained, god damn it. What the movie lacked (substance, plot, character development, quality), I made up for with my internal monologue: 

• Why aren't they ever eating anything? So many delicious items gone to waste -- that perfect-looking muffin, surprise business meeting sushi. You guys are selfish and ungrateful and I'm starving!
• Her laptop is broken, so he buys her a new one. Her car is old, so he buys her a new one. BUT SHE'S STILL USING A FUCKING FLIP PHONE, YOU GUYS.
• If this was my fantasy put on film, Christian would be a lot hotter and probably more manly. Then  again, I guess he is only 27. 27 and a billionaire. WTF am I doing with my life?
• What's happening to his accent? Is he Irish now? Is that part of the mystery? Are we going to find out his true nationality in part 3?
• This dude is so boring, though. You're so rich, and you mostly just sit at home, listening to opera, pouring expensive wine AND NOT DRINKING IT? Next. 
• The worst thing he'd ever do is not that bad, but that might be because they removed "anal fisting" from the contract. But wait a minute...  she never signed the contract! And he's still not fisting! I  guess Christian Grey is just a nice guy deep down. A nice guy with a dark past! What happened Christian? Just kidding, don't tell us. This movie is too long as it is. 
• You guys, but why don't they eat anything? I guess you're never hungry if you're getting all your satisfaction in the red room. Next month's Cosmo's dieting tip will surely be, "Replace one meal a day with light bondage."
• I didn't buy a big enough bag of popcorn for this.

Jokes aside, it really is a story about an abusive relationship, not even considering the sex parts. But on the bright side, the movie doesn't glorify this kind of relationship because it is so SO bad that the only thing one could take away from it is that it is so so bad. It's like the soft-core porn version of Sharknado. You watch it to laugh. And post on twitter.

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