Conflict Muffins

Guess what, everyone. I'm 5'1"! Apparently I grew an inch since my last physical. I didn't even know you could grow at all at age 25. Maybe the nurse didn't know what she was doing. Whatever, I'm 5'1" now.


I'm mostly excited because this means I can weigh more. And by weigh more, I mean lose less. But still, what a treat.


On that note, I'd really like to know how people can eat a muffin in the morning and not want to kill themselves. I was out of the office at a workshop today, and about half of the people in class ate a muffin for breakfast. Do you know how many calories are in a muffin?  Like 600. And these assholes just eat them without a care in the world. Do you know what happens when I eat a muffin? I instantly gain three pounds. Three. Instantly. It's like my superpower. 

Although, according to a few of my friends, if I had a superpower, it would be the ability to conjure up a cab anywhere, anytime. This is because I have been known to disappear from social gatherings unannounced and unnoticed. They say I take a taxi away from my problems--a problem taxi--a praxi. I've also been known to take a prain. But anyway, in the event that I'm featured in a Marvel Comics film, it will be because I can make a taxi appear out of thin air. Even if I'm in Yemen. Even if I'm on the moon. The drawback? I still have to pay the fare.