Cheese Genius

Eating is my favorite hobby. I don't care how fat that makes me sound. I like food more than I like a lot of my friends, to be honest. (Sorry you had to find out this way.) I'm just saying, what's better: biting into the most perfectly cooked burger with VERMONT SHARP CHEDDAR and caramelized onions and BACON on top, or listening to your friend tell you for the 100th time how much he hates his job? Hint: it's the burger.

The problem with food is that it makes you fat. And people don't like fat, I guess. Well, unless you're super trashy and on TLC and then they will literally pay money to look at how fat you are.

Then again, apparently your friends can make you fat, too. At least that's what the media tells me, which is like so incredibly helpful and kind of them. But it's like no matter how many times Women's HEALTH Magazine emails me to yell at me about how fat I am ("Get rid of your bra fat!" "Look thinner!" "MELT THAT FAT"), I still definitely want to order cheesy bread at 3 am.

What is wrong with me? How, as a human being, could I like to eat so much? Oh well. I don't think I'll be stopping anytime soon. Eating is probably my greatest talent. In fact, some people would call me an expert. For example, Klout.com says I'm influential about cheese. And you thought you had a lot going for you.

Anyway, I've heard rumors that it's possible to eat and not be fat. I know that's a far-fetched idea, but I'm thinking about testing it out. And, if that doesn't work, I'm blaming my friends.