52 Things

I've noticed this popping up on many of my favorite blogs, so I thought I'd join in on the self-absorption fun.

1. I have absolutely no time to write this.
2. I got a check minus on self-control and talking on every report card k-5.
3. I lost my virginity on Friday the 13th.
4. I get most of my self-esteem from social media. 
5. Every night after dinner, I give a jar of peanut butter a rim job.
6. I've spent a considerable amount of time trying to decide whether I like peanut butter or cheese more.
7. I was bullied so badly in 6th grade I hardly ever went to school.
8. I was a bully in 9th grade and I still regret it.
9. My mom threw up on my dad on their first date. This gives me hope.
10. I listen to ***Flawless every morning while I'm getting ready.
11. I also just bought this bracelet.
12. I need social interaction to feel alive.
13. In 4th grade, I chased a kid into the woods and punched him the back because he broke my headband.
14. Don't fuck with me, you guys.
15. I daydream about my cat for at least 8 hours a day.
16. I feel like a deadbeat mom because I'm hardly ever home and also often drunk.
17. I have no tolerance for people who don't like Domino's or Beyonce. 
18. Seriously though, Domino's pan pizza tastes like a cheesey, buttery dream. If you haven't had it, you're a fool and a liar and I don't really want to associate with you.
19. I give zero fucks about Christmas.
20. I have a secret plan to get a tattoo on my inner arm. You know, the part of the body that every woman hates. Check back with me in 10 years about my level of regret.
21. A few years ago, I spent all of my free time learning how to cook and bake and pretending to clean because I truly wanted to be a housewife.
22. I think what I really wanted was some kind of financial security.
23. Pregnancy is my biggest fear.
24. Every work day, I count down the seconds til 12 p.m., the time at which it is socially acceptable to eat lunch.
25. We're really not up to 52 yet?
26. I am a terrible listener. It's such an unattractive quality and I'm sorry.
27. I created a hashtag for my cat last night. #famousbabis
28. I was absolutely terrified of thunderstorms as a child. One time, during a particularly scary storm, I threw up and peed on my dad at the same time. 
29. He obviously has a high tolerance for that (see #10).
30. I seriously don't even try to be like Tina Fey, though she is my  hero.
31. I am still eating candy every day. Everything I said about trying to quit was a LIE.
32. I met Shaggy, as in Mr. Boombastic, at a Friendly's in Hyannis, MA.
33. This.
34. I resent the fact that everyone blogs now. 
35. I go to an elitist gym that I can't afford.
36. I buy at least one coffee every day.
37. Part of my job is to teach people how to budget.
38. I was the first person in my family to go to college. 
39. I can't concentrate on one thing for more than 2 minutes.
40. Is anyone still reading this?
41. I seriously can't believe we're not at 52 yet.
42. It's horrifying for me to think about how much time I spend on the internet (all of it).
43. For the past year and a half I have had to take drugs to sleep.
44. I haven't owned a car for almost 6 years and never want to again.
45. I think I'd rather die than ever live in the suburbs.
46. Every time I drink beer, I feel like shit, but I continue to do it anyway.
47. This also applies to eating anything from Dunkin' Donuts.
48. It has been extremely challenging to not start all of these sentences with "I".
49. Fiction Writing is one of the hardest classes I've ever taken.
50. You guys, this is almost over.
51. I regret starting it.
52. BYE.