Turkey Trot 2013

Every year, I sign up for some dumb 5k because it's the hip thing to do and then, as the day approaches, I remember that I fucking hate running and am filled with regret. When it comes to running, the only thing I'm (usually) good at is making playlists, but this year, I'm feeling insecure about my song choices.

Do you guys have any suggestions? I'm looking for songs that can make me forget I'm having trouble breathing, specifically.

Help.

Oh, and also: Happy Thanksgiving.

Boo, playing the role of a native. Me, playing the role of an asshole.

Things I learned this weekend

1. Ambien is amazing.
2. Tom Brady is amazing.

3. Miley Cyrus is amazing?

4. Sometimes when you're old, you watch the Disney Channel and go to bed at 10 on a Saturday night.
5. Also, UP was made for children? This doesn't seem appropriate.
6. I am a little concerned I'll miss Thanksgiving dinner on account of how long it's going to take me to complete the turkey trot I'm signed up for.

7. Sometimes you go meet your friends for a drink and they never say hi to you because they "opened a tab at the other side of the bar". (Still bitter about this, guys.)
8. I'm going on a date with a guy from England who is going back to England in two days. So that seems worthwhile.
9. On that note, my new year's resolution is going to be to date men in my own city / country.
10. Back up resolution: More cats.

Hunt or be hunted.

So, last week, Steve Harvey told a female soldier that women shouldn't propose to men (and also to take her clothes off). And then, I read this absolutely terrible article in the Atlantic in which a man with frosted tips tells women how to be appropriately feminine and submissive. And THEN, someone told me,  "A relationship can never work if the girl goes after the guy." What?! I'm constantly wondering what century I live in.

Obviously, this deeply troubled me since I'm not the damsel-in-distress type (except when I have the flu, in which case RESCUE ME) and also I have almost no patience whatsoever. I've definitely made the first move, and while I'm totally still single (call me!), I'd like to think that's not the reason why. 

So let's talk about this. I already started polling my straight, male friends and will share with you my qualitative research, but I'd love for you all to chime-in in the comments as well. 

The general consensus, so far, is that it doesn't matter, as you may have guessed. Some guys said they would prefer to be hunted because they "have no game", some because they're "lazy", some because it's "sexy". One of my friends pointed out, however, that he thinks women are typically less likely to be forward, so he assumes he has to be the one to make the first move, which, in my opinion, could be because their friends tell them no relationship will ever work out if they go after someone. Or maybe it's just human nature. Still, not one of my friends said they would be turned off by a girl making a move because who in the world doesn't like feeling desired? No one. That is just science. However, if the girl turns out to be obsessive or way more into it than the guy, then no, the relationship won't work out. But, like, duh? 

In the words of my friend Brennan: "There's a confident forward, and a creepy forward. If she looks like she's going to take my organs in my sleep, then it's bad, but someone who knows what they want is a lot more attractive than sheepish."

What do you think?

Things I learned this weekend

1. Sometimes you just need to be around the people who have known you the longest.

2. 98 Degrees had INARGUABLY the best harmonies of all the boy bands.

3. I have always been able to sing better than Britney Spears.
4. The definition of "panty slushies". I can't even. You're going to have to look that up yourself.
5. I can hold a baby without panicking.
6. Probably because I'm so good at holding cats.

7. If you wait ten minutes to buy a flight, the cost goes up $100.
8. I hate running but keep signing myself up for 5ks.
9. Getting an A+ on your fantasy draft means absolute shit during the season. Shit.
10. This woman knows what's up:

Oh, also, vote for me HERE so that I can win lots and lots of wine.

Lovesya. 

Things I learned this weekend

1. Going to the laundromat is like going to the gym: so dreadful, but so rewarding.
2. Bridget Jones's Diary is extremely relevant to my life.
3. So is Anna Karenina, though I'm only about 80 pages in and have approximately 600 more to go.

Yeah, I still write in my books.

4. I have the best roommate who will sacrifice her night to take me out because I've been screamo emo lately.

5. The Beat Hotel is awesome.
6. So is Aabaraki, who played there on Saturday.

7. We did spend TWENTY-TWO DOLLARS on hummus, but at least it was the best damn hummus I've ever had.
8. I am too ashamed to tell you how much I spent on manhattans.
9. The Arnold Arboretum is gorgeous. It only took me 5 years of living here to figure that out.

10. There are some scary M-F birds there, though.

Would totes murder your ass.

Steve Harvey on Veterans Day

Today, on The Steve Harvey Show*, a female veteran called in to ask Steve what his thoughts were on a woman proposing to a man. His response was, "Why would you do that?" And then he proceeded to describe how she could take off her uniform when her man got home because she was taking her sergeant role too far.

THIS IS REAL LIFE.

So, if any of you were wondering why I chose not to go on his show...

Let's honor all of our veterans today.




*Disclaimer:  This was what was on when I turned on the TV.

Halloween Candy

I am shocked and dismayed at the severe lack of Halloween candy there is in my office. There are so many people in this MF building with children to apparently no benefit. You are not getting your money's worth, people!

If I had kids, I would make it rain on Halloween. I would take my kids to so many different neighborhoods. And some neighborhoods do trick-or-treating on non-Halloween days, so we could potentially go every day of the week.  They would think I am the best mom, but mostly I'd just be using them for refined carbohydrates. But, whatever. It's like, I pushed you out, so it's the least you can do, right?

Of course, when we got home I would take the candy away and tell them it needs to be rationed because childhood obesity or whatever. But in reality I'd be closet-eating that shit nightly. Also, my sister said young kids forget about their candy. They just fucking forget! So, it's not like they'd be that heart-broken about it.

What I'm saying is: Dear coworkers, you're doing it wrong. Love, Future Mother-of-the-Year