Fantasy Draft

Last night was my fantasy draft. Unlike last year, when I spent hours researching players and earned an A+ draft only to come in second to last place, this year, I wung it and ended up with a solid B grade and a projection to finish first in the league. But I think Yahoo! is just getting my hopes up, and I want to keep my expectations incredibly low, like when I go on dates.

Fantasy football drafts are hard for me. For one thing, I morally refuse to draft rapists, which really limits my options, since the NFL is a classy group of people. Secondly, I feel superstitious about drafting Patriots. For instance, I was so close to getting my main man Edelman (WE TALKED ON TWITTER ONCE), but then I was like, if I take him and he gets hurt, it's going to be my fault.  So, I am happy to say I have not one Patriot on my team. This is good for multiple reasons.

And so it begins. And by that I mean the rage and elation that I experience during football season and project via social media. I apologize in advance.

Things I learned this weekend

1. Allston Christmas is upon us.

2. There is a fine line between "gentleman" and chauvinist. Walk it carefully, fellas.

3. Do not ever text me at 2 in the morning. I'm about to blow up a lot of people's spots on the internet. This is your warning.

4. I just walked over a mile in basically pajamas because that is how important real Jewish bagels are.

5. I should hang out in Brookline more.

6. Water lilies are an endangered species, which is why you shouldn't pick them.

Woopsies.

7. If you go hiking with me, you'll eventually get to the right trail, you just might have to cross a highway first.

8. You'll also have a good chance of seeing me half-naked in the woods, since I always have to pee.

9. OkCupid might not work out for you dating-wise, but you could get a cat-sitting job out of it. 

10. Beyonce's VMA performance was a spiritual experience for me. I hope it means we can stop talking about her marriage and resume talking about how she is a MONARCH. 

Book Worm.

I stole this from Making Melissa. Any excuse to post something I don't really have to write, right?

Author you've read the most books from:
Most likely Ann M. Martin since I was in the The Baby-Sitters Club Book Club as a child.

Currently reading:
Bad Feminist - Roxane Gay
The Blind Assassin - Margaret Atwood

Drink of choice while reading:
Water and sometimes beer. I've read at the bar a few times...

E-reader or physical book?
Yeah, fuck the Kindle, okay? I had one for approximately 1 year and 1 day and it just stopped working. When I called Amazon about it, they said, "Okay, so, like, here's what you can do: You can buy a new Kindle for $89.95." Nope, peace. I am back to turning pages like the olden timey days.

Fictional character you would have probably dated in high school:
Holden Caulfield because we would have been so emo together.

Glad you gave this book a chance:
The Bible. Shit is so sexy, you guys.

Hidden gem book:
I'll have to go with The Astonishing Life of Octavian Nothing, only because I loved it and don't know anyone else who has read it.

Important moment in your reading life:

• Maybe that time I proclaimed in class that Daisy Miller was a "faux lesbian", aka the kind of girl who makes out with other girls at the bar for attention.
• Or that time my professor explained the meaning of the Shakespearean term "meat slapping" and visually demonstrated it with her hands.

Just finished:
The Bell Jar. I had never read it before. It felt incredibly relevant minus the suicide part.

Kinds of books you won't read:
Ones with high heels and/or lipstick on the cover.

Longest book you've ever read:
The Old Testament.

Major book hangover because of...
Harry Potter. I never wanted it to end. The other day, I saw a girl reading it on the T and I felt envious.

Number of bookcases you own:
Just one. Most of my books are strewn around my apartment because I live in CHAOS.

One book you have read multiple times:
Heart of Darkness. Read it no less than 5 times in college (English major FTW).  The first time I hated it. The second time I hated it. The third time I was like, hmmm. The 4th time I was like, okay, yes. And by the 5th time it became one of my favorite books.

Preferred place to read:
In my bed next to my cat.

Quote from a book you've read that inspires you:
"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense."

Reading regret:
Beautiful Ruins. God that book was so fucking awful. I blame NPR.

Series you started and need to finish:
The Hunger Games. Not sure if ~need~ to finish is the right thing to say. It ~needs~ to be re-written first. BOOM.

Three of your all-time favorite books:

1. The Handmaid's Tale
2. Jane Eyre
3. The Poisonwood Bible

Unapologetic fangirl for...
JK Rowling

Very excited for this release more than all the others:
Seriously Delish, from how sweet eats, obviously.

Worst bookish habit:
Feeling like I have to finish a book even though I hate it.

Your latest book purchase:
The Blind Assassin - $5, used.

The last book that kept you up way late:
The Book Thief. Tears beach.

I am a hypocrite.

I've been thinking about posting this for a while, but I haven't because I'm embarrassed. I talk a lot about body acceptance, about ending fat talk, about valuing who you are over what you look like. But I haven't been practicing what I preach. 

I am a hypocrite.

While I do believe these things - that fat talk is destructive, that society's standards of beauty are outrageous and unattainable, that every body is beautiful - I believe them for everyone else, except myself. To my disappointment, I cannot internalize these beliefs. 

I started a crusade to stop fat talking mostly for myself, admittedly. I thought if I could actively prevent and/or ignore fat talk around other people, I'd ultimately change the way I thought about myself. And I do think it's helpful, for myself and for others, but I still haven't reached contentment. Being satisfied with what I look like is the biggest (privileged?) challenge I face every day. 

A few months ago, I threw away my scale because I had an unhealthy obsession with weighing myself. And for a while, I lived in ignorant bliss. But one quick trip to the doctor caused me to instantaneously revert back to old habits and negative thoughts. It's alarming how much of an effect that arbitrary number has on my brain.

Since then, I've been trying to balance my unnecessary need to be at my "goal weight" and my proclamation that weight doesn't matter. Why does it matter? Even the idea that your weight should be a goal, an achievement, is dismaying. And yet while I outwardly say that, I've internally subscribed to this norm. Upon leaving the doctor's office, I re-downloaded myfitnesspal; I browsed scales on Amazon; I made a meal plan for myself. I bought a fitness DVD. I don't even have a DVD player! Insanity.

Quite obviously, I have a very hard time living inside two extremes. I have always been all or nothing about everything, but especially food and diet. And neither extreme is pleasurable. I either feel indulgent and out-of-control, or stressed and disappointed. 

Social media is no help. With an incessant focus on pictures, and crossfit, and juice cleanses, and food shaming, it only exacerbates the problem. But it's clear I'm not the only one dealing with these issues considering the prevalence of the aforementioned fixations. We seem to all be dealing with body image issues - no matter our size or age or gender. That's partially comforting, but mostly sad. 

"It makes perfect sense that many of us obsess over our bodies. There is nothing more inescapable. Our bodies move us through our lives. They bring pleasure and pain. Sometimes our bodies serve us well, and other times our bodies become terribly inconvenient. There are times when our bodies betray us or our bodies are betrayed by others. I think about my body all the time -- how it looks, how it feels, how I can make it smaller, what I should put into it, what I am putting into it, what has been done to it, what I do to it, what I let others do to it. This bodily preoccupation is exhausting."   -Roxane Gay, Bad Feminist

If I could have one wish granted, it would be to live the rest of my life not thinking or worrying about what I look like. That would be my one and only wish. I realize how selfish that is, but on the bright side, if that wish came true, I would have plenty of time and energy to spend on other people. So actually, maybe I'd wish that for all people. 

Imagine all the things we could do if we weren't so preoccupied with our appearance. 

Things I learned this weekend

1. The room I stayed in at the Brandon Inn can only be described as my grandmother's guest room that was designed in the 70s and remained/smelled the same ever since.

2. Nature is pretty cool sometimes.

3. I'm in the planning phase of developing Crotchless Spanx™. Note that trademark. Don't even think of stealing that shit.

4. Do think of donating to my kickstarter, though.

5. Crotchless Spanx™ will come in a variety of colors to perfectly match your skin tone.
6. I'm hoping Cover Girl TruBlend will want to sponsor this endeavor.

Easy, breezy, beautiful.

(emphasis on breezy because they'll be crotchless)

7. If this idea fails, I'm going to develop a game for men to play in bar bathrooms. Picture the water gun carnival game but with urine.

8. I should work on that pitch.

9. Weddings have become my hobby. Good thing that are pretty effing fun.

10. I literally need to be taught how to Dougie. This would have come in handy before wedding season.

11. If a daddy long-legs is crawling toward you, a good friend will throw a piece of wedding cake at it to protect you.

Dead.

12. The other night, I had a dream that Boo had a JOB as a HALL MONITOR for OTHER CATS. It was the cutest M-F thing that has ever happened in my imagination. And yes, I know exactly what this says about me.

Picture him with a little stop sign on his forehead. OMG.

Jeopardy!

Does anyone else watch Jeopardy! regularly like I do? Last night, the final clue was something along the lines of  "Readers of this 1948 short story wrote the author to ask where the title event occurred so that they could go watch."  The answer was "The Lottery" by Shirley Jackson. You likely read it in high school or college or at some point in your life. But if you haven't, SPOILER ALERT, it's essentially about a public stoning.

Worth reading, if you haven't, though I totally just blew it for you.

WTF? People actually wrote in to ask where they could witness a public stoning? And literally no one on the show addressed how fucked up that was. Alex was all like, "Well obviously the answer is 'The Lottery' by Shirley Jackson, and obviously I knew that because I am pretentious and also have the answer in front of me." And the contestants were all like, "I'm going to win money, now!" But not one person said, Wait, what?! I was really disturbed.

Perhaps you're thinking, Girl, get a life. And I understand why you would think that, since watching Jeopardy! is a hobby taken up mainly by the 65+ crowd (as evidenced by all the incontinence  medication and AARP ads that play during the show).  But the truth is, I'm actually trying to cut back on life right now. I've been going out so much lately that I revel in sitting and not drinking or talking to anyone (unless you include shouting answers at the TV). So, Jeopardy! for the win.

Things I learned this weekend

1. If you accidentally send your resume to 900 people including your boss and coworkers, you might end up getting a raise.
2. Going to a bar in your hometown is a great reminder that who you were in high school means absolutely nothing.
3. I should appreciate where I grew up more, though.

4. My parents have had this painting in their house for decades, and I just realized how strange it is.

5. People who put their bags on the seat next to them on a crowded bus should be abandoned on the side of the road.
6. Men who sit with their LEGS SPREAD so that no one can fit in the seat next to theirs on a crowded bus should be publicly shamed.
7. No trip to the beach is complete without a quintessential beer-near-the-ocean shot.

8. I had a dream that I was learning how to play Dashboard Confessional songs on the guitar. What does it mean?!?!

9. This is next up on my reading list. Who's with me?

10. Someone let me know when the ice bucket challenge is over so I can return to Facebook.

What did you learn this weekend?

50 Shades of Grey

It's taken me a week and a number of invigorating Gchat conversations to synthesize my thoughts on the 50 Shades of Grey trailer. I want to emphasize that-- all of these thoughts are the result of watching a 2 minute trailer, not after watching the movie in full, or even reading the book. That said, maybe what I've concluded is off-base, but I doubt it's not at least a bit insightful (because when have I ever written anything that was not insightful?)

When I watched the trailer, I immediately had a feminist crisis. On the one hand, it's sexy (mostly because of Beyonce's seductive, husky remake of "Crazy in Love" playing in the background, which is obviously the reason why I watched it in the first place). But on the other hand, it's grossly misogynistic, not to mention generic and tacky. 

In the words of my enlightened friend, Dugan: "Let's take the most tired tropes of chivalrous/chauvinist 'romance' stories and make it 'modern' by adding S&M." And that's exactly what they did. 50 Shades of Grey is basically the 21st century, R-rated version of Beauty and the Beast, except instead of dancing teacups there are whips and chains. The story line is essentially the same: here's this small, naive girl, who is manipulated by a big powerful man into becoming his sex slave. (But don't worry -- as long as you do what he wants, he'll turn into a prince and marry you.)

"But if she's getting her kicks too, then what's the problem?", some of you may be thinking. The problem is that this movie, and so much of American entertainment, is the cause and effect of rape culture. America is obsessed with rape. Why else would there be thousands of episodes of SVU?  50 Shades of Grey is just a perceivably nicer, more accessible rape fantasy. And I'm not trying to judge people for the kind of sex they're into - if it's safe and consensual, do your thang. But I do find it disturbing that these stories have become a framework of pop culture. 50 Shades of Grey is not a fetish porn; it's a Blockbuster film playing in movie theaters around the world.  And movies like 50 Shades of Grey just reinforce all the backwards cultural messages we receive constantly every day -- messages that tell women they should be ready and sexual (but not too sexual!), and that teach men to feel entitled to sex. 

And that's the problem.

Things I learned this weekend

1. I am a professional athlete.

Major League.

2. Bocce is actually pronounced bow-chay, but who cares? This is America!

3. This is some dope-ass bread, you guys.

When Pigs Fly

4. Just when you're thinking, This wedding could use some Beyonce, "Single Ladies" comes on.
5. Speaking of Beyonce, this happened at 1 am on Sunday morning:

flawless.beyonce.com

6. Your feet will definitely feel broken after a night of dancing in heels.

7. To do cocktail hour right, you must strategically sit or stand near the door from which all of the hors d'oeuvres are coming. 

8. Splints are the wedding accessory of the year.

9. You know you're in New Hampshire when you see a man in a wheelchair wheeling around a hotel with a cigarette in his mouth, playing Deliverance-style country music from a hand radio.

11. Uber is one of the best inventions of our time. 

12. I love these people so much.

13. I held a republican's hand this weekend, so you can't ever say I'm not bi-partisan.