Blame.

I'm not surprised by Ray Rice's actions. I'm not surprised by the NFL's non-reactions. This has been going on in the NFL, in America, for decades. Women are abused and we turn a blind eye. People are shot. Children are raped. Dogs are killed. And we pretend it didn't happen. We cheer for these men. We award them trophies. We put them in the hall of fame.

The gross number of people who are blaming Janay don't understand the complexities of domestic violence. More so, they don't understand how they have been groomed to victim blame. Janay Rice, who was punched in the face by her then fiance, is blaming herself -- that shouldn't excuse Ray Rice's behavior, that should make it all the more disturbing.

"Abused women react to Ray Rice video"

It s saddening that she feels the need to excuse and defend the man who beat her. It's saddening, but it's not surprising. It's not surprising when her husband is so threatening he is violent. It's not surprising when her husband is the one continually supported and protected by the very rich and powerful men of the National Football League. It's not surprising when thousands of fans have also come to his defense. The fact that this woman feels the need to defend the person who has brutalized her is a troubling result of our culture, a culture that puts the responsibility of abuse on the victim. Janay is not unlike the girl who is raped at a party and feels like it is her fault because she had been drinking. Women are told over and over again that it is their fault.

If you want to feel truly sick, search Ray Rice on twitter and read all the thousands of tweets from men and women across the country who agree that it is her fault. We all saw the video tape, and yet we can find a way to justify Rice's behavior? If so, then Rice isn't the only one responsible, here. We are, too. We are also responsible if our reaction to that tape is to blame the person who was knocked unconscious and then dragged across the floor by the man who loves her.

Fantasy Draft

Last night was my fantasy draft. Unlike last year, when I spent hours researching players and earned an A+ draft only to come in second to last place, this year, I wung it and ended up with a solid B grade and a projection to finish first in the league. But I think Yahoo! is just getting my hopes up, and I want to keep my expectations incredibly low, like when I go on dates.

Fantasy football drafts are hard for me. For one thing, I morally refuse to draft rapists, which really limits my options, since the NFL is a classy group of people. Secondly, I feel superstitious about drafting Patriots. For instance, I was so close to getting my main man Edelman (WE TALKED ON TWITTER ONCE), but then I was like, if I take him and he gets hurt, it's going to be my fault.  So, I am happy to say I have not one Patriot on my team. This is good for multiple reasons.

And so it begins. And by that I mean the rage and elation that I experience during football season and project via social media. I apologize in advance.

Things I learned this weekend: A narrative.

I have anxiety coupled with a fear of heights, so flying isn't necessarily my favorite mode of transportation. However, over the years, I have learned that with a little alcohol, I enjoy the experience much more. On Friday, I got to the airport and through security with over an hour to spare, so decided to wait at Boston Beer Works instead of at the gate. When I ordered an IPA, the bartender informed that it is a "strong beer" and made me try it to be sure I liked it. I'm sure this was supposed to be considered good customer service, but I found it pretty condescending. Once I got over it, I relaxed quite a bit, in fact, so much so that I almost missed my flight. I've never been so nonchalant about flying before -- proof that beer is good for the soul.

While flying, I thought about how cool it is to live in 2013. Like, you can watch TV in the air. That is pretty fucking cool, right? Also, clouds are pretty cool. Look:

Science.

There's a chance I was drunk while I had this revelation, but whatever.  I just love technology, you guys (while also having no idea how it works).

The weather in DC this weekend wasn't the best, though somehow my friend and I managed to walk over 10 miles on Saturday in really impractical shoes while also really hungover. Not sure what we were thinking. On Friday night, I reverted back to my 24-year-old self by drinking vodka sodas and aggressively dancing to Lady Gaga. This probably sounds ignorant, but I love watching white people dance, don't you? It's just, like, so uncoordinated and uncomfortable. Also, everyone at this particular bar was either in college or just graduated and therefore DTF, if you know what I mean. So much adolescent grinding.

Overall, my trip to DC was really great: we saw this awesome band play at a holiday market; I ate french fries every day; and I convinced my friends to spend their Sunday in bar watching football and drinking craft beer.

(Note the washtub bass.)

The only downfall was the fact that some teen-aged dick ripped my THROWBACK PATRIOTS HAT THAT IS NO LONGER AVAILABLE ONLINE OR AT THE PATRIOTS PRO SHOP off my head and ran away with it like a little fucking brat. I don't really hate people, but I feel like it's possible I hate that kid. I'm sure his life sucks, so stealing people's shit makes him feel successful in some way, but I will never see that hat again, so really my life is worse.

Obligatory cat photo.

On that note, the Pats game on Sunday was AMAZING. Totally. But I would absolutely hand back that W to get Gronk back.

What's your fantasy?

Despite my better judgement, I'm playing fantasy football this season. I think you guys already know how mentally ill I am when it comes to the Patriots, so I'm not sure projecting that sickness onto the entire league is a good idea, but oh well. Sorry in advance.

I spent two hours planning for my draft only to get 7th pick and have most of my top players RIPPED AWAY FROM ME. I threw many a virtual tantrum in the chat room. I am never dramatic.

Luckily, I had also come up with an extensive list of backups and ended up with an A+ roster, so. NBD.

I might as well start engraving my name on that trophy now.

As someone who was in school most her life, I really appreciate (read: need) the validation of a letter grade. So now that I'm not in school anymore, I have to focus on these types of accomplishments. It's for my self-esteem, you guys.

However, I do kind of feel like a degenerate since I went from getting a Master's at Harvard to managing a pretend football team online. Then again, I did study management, so I guess I'm putting my degree to good use. How many other people can say that?

Another Reason Why I Need to Quit Sports

Football turns me into a terrible person. Seriously, like a bad, heartless human being.

You may have heard that Aaron Hernandez, tight end for the Patriots, is apparently considered a suspect of a possible homicide in North Attleboro, MA.

Meanwhile, Rob Gronkowski, another star tight end, just had back surgery.

And here's the thing: murder is bad and everything, but mostly I can't help but think about how this could affect our season.

And that is why I should stop watching football immediately.

Oh my god, OR, was this all a Tebow conspiracy? WHAT IF?

Very Superstitious

I hate Bud Light. And pretty much all light beers. You can call me a hipster, but I prefer to drink only craft. Whatever. Anyway, despite my distaste (pun intended) for Bud Light, I'm totally loving their superstition commercials lately.

Why? Because I am also a total mental case when it comes to sports. Specifically, football, and specifically the Patriots. I have convinced myself that the only time the Pats do well is when I'm standing in the kitchen  (is that anti-feminist?). So, anytime they are approaching the end zone, I jump up off my couch and run to the kitchen. Just standing on the tile makes a difference. Sometimes, I plan to cook for the duration of the game just to ensure a blowout. I also keep my fingers crossed at all times and put my shirt over my mouth at critical moments. These things have proven to be successful.

This Sunday, I am going to brunch at a fancy hotel to celebrate a friend's birthday and will consequently miss the game (I should be rewarded for this). I'm deeply concerned that if I'm not wearing Pats attire, something bad will happen. But, I'm also not sure a bright red jersey is appropriate for ladies brunch at an elite hotel. What to do? What to do?! I'm actually considering keeping a jersey in my bag just so I have it on hand. Does that count?

What's going to happen, you guys?!

Monday Mourning

Though I'm not ready to talk about last night and probably never will be, I do want to say thank you to my friends and family for their support and concern. I'd also like to say that I am mildly disturbed by how serious this currently sounds as well as how serious everyone's support and concern has been.


Texts I received during and after the game:

• "Terrified for your emotional well being."
• "I'm so sorry."
• "How are you holding up?"
• "Whatever happens, don't kill yourself tonight."

And this morning:

• "I just want to say that I'm really sorry."
• "Hope you're okay today." 

I'm not. I'm dressed in all black. But,

Footbawl

I have to wonder why I like sports so much. They cause me incredible anxiety.  My mood drastically fluctuates depending on what's happening in a game. One minute I might be screaming and clapping and the next minute I'm crying.  It's an emotional roller coaster ride and possibly the most emotion I show about anything (other than my cat, of course). 

People often invite me to watch sports with them, but I don't think they understand what they're getting themselves into. Last year, I had people over to watch the playoffs and ended up sobbing in the bathroom for 10 minutes. My roommate doesn't even like to be around me when a game is on. 


So, needless to say, I'm feeling stressed about Saturday. Here are my two major concerns:


1) If the Pats lose, not only will I sink into a deep, dark depression, but I will also have to reevaluate atheism. That's a lot to deal with, mentally.

2) It's my good friend's birthday, and I'm slightly worried we won't be such good friends after I skip her celebration to watch the playoffs. (Sorry, Ker.)

Hey, I never claimed to be a good friend. In fact, I've mostly claimed to be a hypochondriac, a cat lady, and a pessimist, which explains why I'm worried and not excited. I don't believe in making optimistic projections about sports. I'm superstitious like that. For example, remember when ESPN predicted that the Red Sox would win the World Series in 2011? Yeah, I blame them for everything.  

So, for now, I'm keeping my fingers crossed tightly, hoping I don't cry or lose any of my friends this weekend.