Say Quaker Again

In this video, I discover why it's so hard for me to find a boyfriend. I also say the word "Quaker" a lot. 

Editor's Note: According to Google Analytics, no one watches these videos. I'm still going to make them. I'm not sorry.

The Untold Story of Princess Doe

My friend Christie recently published a book -- The Untold Story of Princess Doe -- and I'm both proud and jealous of her.

As I mentioned before, I'm really into dystopian literature right now. I also really like magic. And witty romances.  Although The Untold Story is a departure from these genres, it, like many of the books I read,  is quite disturbing and mysterious: It's about a young girl who was brutally murdered over two decades ago, but never identified. And it's based on a true story.

The case of Princess Doe remains open today; after over 20 years of investigation, no one knows who she is or why she was murdered. But, in her book, Christie gives her a name and a story, in all its gruesome details. You can read more about Princess Doe and pick up a copy of the book here: http://www.whoisprincessdoe.com/ . It's a fast-paced read that's perfect for the beach or a train ride, but perhaps not right before bed. I made the mistake of reading Oryx & Crake before I went to sleep and had nightmares about the apocalypse every night. Lesson learned.

Princess Doe

So, why am I jealous? I'm jealous because I have always dreamed of writing a book. But, the difference between Christie and me is that she actually did write a book, and I've mostly just thought about it. However, I have at least come up with a few solid chapter titles; for example, "Chapter 8: My Vagina is a Cave." Obviously, it's also going to be based on a true story.  It will also contain a lengthy insert featuring many stunning glossy photos of Boo, such as this one:

Glamour shot.

So look forward to that. Also, look forward to waiting, since I've been talking about writing a book since I was 8.

It's a video!

So, I made another video. As you can probably guess, it's about absolutely nothing at all; it's pretty much just 3 minutes of me rambling. However, if you can get through it, I promise that Boo's appearance and the software malfunction at the end makes it worthwhile.

Cute.

Also, in the event that you actually want to watch this, you'll need to turn your volume way up because I apparently don't know how to use modern technology.

You can't believe it's already August!

I can. And I'm pretty excited about it. In fact, I personally cannot wait for summer to be over. Sorry, everyone.

www.huffingtonpost.com

Summer is the most overrated season of all time. Sure, it was cool in 7th grade when the only thing you had to worry about was how you were going to get to the Barnstable County Fair. But after that, you had to work at a shitty part-time job every summer.  And then after that you had to work a full-time job every summer.  And pay bills. And live in a basement apartment without A/C. And wake up at 7 am after drinking a pitcher of sangria on a Wednesday night because fuck it, it's summer.

Worst of all, if you live in New England, you have to deal with humidity, which makes you  a miserable C-word (and also a hypocrite) that no one wants to be around. As soon as you walk out the door, you begin sweating through your white button down shirt and by the time you get to work you look like you just left a Señor Frogs wet t-shirt contest. Professional. And, if you're really lucky, your *company's* A/C will be broken for the 4th time, so your office will be approximately 89 degrees. And you'll sit in it for 8 hours.  Woo, summer!

It's so damn hot.

Thankfully, fall is right around the corner, and along with it comes football, pumpkin, witches, and everything I love. In the fall, I will not be a miserable C. 

Idiotms

There are a number of words and phrases that my friends and/or I have made up over the years that I frequently use and forget aren't actually real. Sometimes I use one of them in front of people I don't really know and they give me quizzical looks. Then, I have to try to explain it to them in a way that doesn't make me sound like a total idiot. Some of these expressions include:

1. "Queer willies" (noun) -- This is used when you get uncomfortable watching something. For example, I get the queer willies when I watch the show "Glee." You may get the queer willies when you see someone fall in public. It wasn't until fairly recently that I found out "queer willies" wasn't a universal expression. I thought everyone said it. Anyway, I don't know where it came from, but what I do know is that everyone everywhere has at one point had the queer willies. (Note: this expression has absolutely no relation to the LGBT community. I now feel the need to defend myself since someone, who clearly doesn't know me at all, called me a homophobe on Reddit.)
2. "Preme" (adjective) -- This came from my friend who once accidentally said "preme" instead of "prime" or "premium" (I actually don't really know what she was trying to say) when describing how she felt. Preme generally means "awesome," but it can be used in place of many adjectives. For example, you might say, "Free movie tickets -- preme!" or "That cupcake was preme."  It is a kind of word my 9th grade English teacher would call "taboo" in that it is vaguely defined and overused (much like the word "got"). It is also a word she would call "not a real word."
3. "Shameless lotioning" (noun or verb, colloquial) -- I believe this was developed when I lived in a sorority with roughly 40 other girls and had little privacy. Shameless lotioning is when you can casually lotion your naked body free of judgement. You may do this and then lie naked on your bed for a while (also referred to as "naked bed lying"). This is generally done alone. My sorority sisters may have been heard saying things like, "I wish I had my own room so I could shameless lotion." Or, "Over Christmas break, I shamelessly lotioned all over my house." Recently, I told my friend at the gym that I wanted to use the private dressing room so that I could "shameless lotion." She was confused.
4. "Babis" (proper noun, see also: "babis") -- This is one of the many names I call Boo. "Babis" was established in 2009 when I still watched the NBA. At that time, I started calling Boo "Big Baby Davis," after Glen Davis, whom I later referred to as "Big Daddy" whenever he came on the TV in Boo's presence. "Big Baby Davis" was then was simplified to "Baby Davis," which transitioned to "Babis Dabis," and then ultimately became "Babis." In addition, "babis" with a lower case B can be used to describe any animal. For example, you may see a cute dog on the street and yell, "Look at that babis!"

As a side note, my iPhone now always auto-corrects babis to have a capital B. RESPECT.

Do you or your friends use any words or phrases that aren't real?  If so, please share them with me in the comments.

Editor's note: After writing this, I discovered that Babis is actually a Persian religion also known as Babism. Whatever.

Bad Date Rescue

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I have succumbed to internet dating. However, I haven't actually gone on any dates yet. Half of the people I've been connected with on Coffee Meets Bagel haven't completed their profile, so I assumed they were boring and not worth my time. The other half wrote that they "look good in a suit."  Is this important? If we go on a date are you going to wear a suit?  Or, are you saying that I shouldn't expect much since you only look good when you're in a suit? I'm not sure. Either way, it seems irrelevant. And also lame. Is that really all you could come up with to describe yourself? I guess not everyone can be as clever and perfect as I am.

Everyone on the site also seems to really like technology. This could be problematic since someone recently had to explain to me how to take a screenshot.  Also, I find that people on internet sites who "love technology" mostly want to talk to you via email or text so that they don't have to actually see you in person. So that's pretty fun. 

This is actually grammatically incorrect.

But, I'm actually going on my first internet date tonight, mainly because the guy put in his profile that he doesn't like texting. However, that may or may not be all we have in common. In fact, I pretty much know nothing else about him. At first, this seemed great. I didn't have to waste my time texting back and forth about stupid shit. And, since we don't really know much about each other, we should have plenty to talk about. But then, as the date got closer, I started to worry. What if we actually have nothing to talk about because we have nothing in common? What if he's mentally unstable? What if he's a pedophile? What if he reads this post about him? WHAT IF HE DOESN'T LIKE CATS?!

So, I decided that I needed an escape route. That's positive thinking, right? Planning in advance how you're going to get away from someone. Should go well. Anyway, I downloaded this "Bad Date Rescue" app, which can be used "to believably excuse yourself while sparing the other person's feelings" (The Week). Essentially, you schedule an "emergency" so that you later receive a fake phone call which will allow you to excuse yourself and ultimately leave. It's the polite way to totally ditch someone you don't like. 

Drinking Problems

Single Mom Guilt

I've been feeling like a dead-beat mom lately and it's really starting to wear on my mental health. I've gone away a lot recently, sometimes leaving Boo alone for multiple days. Other days, I stay out late and come home drunk. When he acts out, I can only assume that it's my fault.

Sex.

Drugs.

Alcohol.

But it's so hard being a single mom. I work 40 hours a week, sometimes more. I gotta pay the bills and buy that canned food he really likes -- they don't give WIC for cats. Also,  I'm really trying to find Boo a daddy, and that requires lots of drinking socializing.  Everything I do, I do for him!  But I don't think he sees that. 

This morning, I felt so guilty about leaving him again, I showered him with treats and toys and catnip. But I could still see the resentment in his eyes as I was walking out the door. You can't buy love, no matter how much you spend. This must be what the Kardashians feel like. 

Happy 4th of July!

Okay, so I know it is not actually the 4th of July, but it felt unjust to keep these pictures from you any longer.

Now, is this or is this not visual proof that Boo should be the mascot for Team USA?

Soft Claws

Sometimes I feel like I have had a newborn baby for three and a half years. This is because my cat wakes me up no less than 10 times a night. Usually when this happens, I scream obscenities at him and cry myself back to sleep, only to be woken up again 20 minutes later. I become resentful and start to hate him. I consider putting him back out on the street. But then, when I get up for the day, I see how aesthetically perfect he is and forget the pain and suffering I felt the night before. I can only imagine that this is what parenting must feel like. Or an abusive relationship. 

Immaculate.

A few weeks ago, I decided that I had had enough of his bullshit and locked him out of my room for the night. I shoved a towel underneath my door so he couldn't stick his paws under it and shake it, causing an earthquake-like effect, as he normally does. It worked. And that was the best night's sleep I have had in a long while.

Of course, that did not come without a cost -- Boo punished me for locking him out of my room by tearing up my carpet. And by "my carpet" I mean my landlord's carpet, and by "tearing up" I mean literally ripping it out of the floor. This caused widespread panic. I was afraid for my basement garden-level apartment. I was afraid for my life.

However, thanks to the internet, I found a solution -- Soft Claws.

(Is that David Bowie?!)

Soft Claws are essentially acrylic nails for cats. They are supposed to prevent cats from ruining things / making people bleed. And, according to the video, they are "surprisingly easy" to put on.

Super-glue and bribery.

False. The first time I applied these to Boo was a traumatizing experience: He cried. I cried. There was fur super-glued to my hands. It was a mess. 

Screamo emo.

However, since then, it has gotten a lot easier, and I now give Boo manicures on the reg. I feel like a small Asian woman covered in fur.