Too busy for the internet.

Hi friends. It's been a while, and I'm sorry. That is, if you've noticed. If you haven't noticed, well then fuck you!

Just kidding. I don't care. I've been really busy lately. Don't you hate when people say that? Like their life is so fucking important. Sorry I couldn't call you back - I've been so busy! Sorry I disappeared from your life all together. I'm just sooooo busy.  My job that involves sitting at a desk all day is too overwhelming for me to remember that you exist! [This concludes my vague bitter rant about men who have ghosted on me in the past.]

Blingee.

I actually am so fucking busy, though. My job has fairly drastically changed over the last few weeks which means I have to spend the majority of my day doing actual work as opposed to looking at the internet. WOE IS ME.

Don't get me wrong. I am still having a lot of fun (read: drinks). I also joined OKcupid, which is one of the scariest places on [virtual] earth. Why I joined now, when I have relatively no free time, is a mystery to me as well as to everyone I've communicated with, but I wouldn't be me if I didn't constantly overbook my life so that I feel perpetual stress and anxiety.

Most stressed 2004-present.

But let's talk about OkCupid. It's perfect for my generation of people who need to be simultaneously over-stimulated and immediately satisfied.  For example, if you want to jump right into a relationship, you can simply skip the courtship part and just read someone's answers to hundreds of incredibly invasive questions, such as:

"Do you like to be choked during sex?"

For the record, I didn't answer that one. There are some things I think people should discover over time, like whether or not you enjoy S&M. I'm just old-fashioned in that way, you know?

Here's a question that has explained a lot about the difference between men and women:

"Is foreplay necessary before sex?" 

Literally every man I've looked at has answered this question with "no".

As you will note, 98% of the questions are sexual, so I'm not even sure if OkCupid is a dating website or more like a free escort service, in which case, I am using it incorrectly. Who knows? Maybe I'll figure that out when I'm not soooooo busy.

Katie Que&A

Dear Katie Qué&A,

I bought a Groupon© for some flowers for my girlfriend a few weeks ago. We have been on the rocks lately though, so I have not given her the flowers. In the mean time, I met this really cute girl who works at the cafe by my house and we have been flirting hardcore. What are the guidelines for giving a girl flowers? Like, how soon is too soon? This girl is wicked cute, and the Groupon© expires in a week, please help me!

Sincerely, Disloyal in Dallas

She really doesn't know what's coming to her.

Dear "Disloyal in Dallas", 

Flowers die, dude, just like love. So, my suggestion would be to give the flowers to your current girlfriend, as you originally intended, with a note that says, "The life of these flowers is sure to fade, like that of our relationship." And then, once the flowers are dead, you're free! Hey, at least you're giving her fair warning (and you're getting 50% off!). I'm actually not sure why more people don't break up with their significant others this way. It's at least more polite than ghosting.  

Hearts & Stars,  

Katie Qué

Contributing Editor: Dan Fenner

Need relationship advice? Write to me at imyourkatieque@gmail.com.

Disclaimer: Katie Qué is not qualified to give advice on dating, or really anything, for that matter. She has never been in a serious relationship, unless you include that with fast food establishments, particularly Domino's. Please take everything she says with a grain of salt. Better yet, a slice of pizza.

Katie Que&A

Dear Katie Que&A, My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and things are going well. But lately he has been talking about kids in a very presumptuous way. He says things like, "when we have kids, they will so and so" or "I'll never let our kids do such and such." We haven't even discussed marriage, so I'm not sure how to approach this sensitive topic. How can I get him on the right track without hurting or relationship? Sincerely, Barren in Bethesda

This is the rest of your life.

Dear "Barren in Bathesda", 

Kids? Run away, girl. As fast as you can. 

Or, show him this natural birth video* and tell him you want him to videotape one of your own, when the time comes. OR, tell him that childbirth increases your chances of needing vaginal mesh one day. VAGINAL MESH. 

If that doesn't terrify him, then I recommend that you have him sign a legal document that says he will provide at least 50% of the support, both financially and in terms of care. I mean, this was really his idea so you should probably up that to 75%. You could even write in a clause that says he is required to change every diaper. You would never touch a single diaper! Think about it. Also, please be sure to do this before you stop taking birth control. Sort of like a prenuptial agreement. A pre-conceptional agreement, if you will. 

Tell your uterus I said I'm sorry. 

Hearts and stars, 

Katie Qué

Contributing Editor: Dan Fenner

*DO NOT CLICK THAT.

Katie Que&A

I am always shocked when people ask me for dating/relationship advice, given the fact that I'm perpetually single, but I actually get asked quite a bit. So, an internet friend of mine suggested that I start an advice column, and thus, Katie Qué&A was born.

Each week, I will provide someone with sage advice about dating, using my extensive research in the field. Some of my experience includes:

• Stalking 
• Friend-zoning
• Ghosting
• Tweeting 

@Drake CALL ME.
— Katie Qué (@imyourkatieque) April 11, 2014

• Tindering
• Binge eating
• Cats

This concept will only work if you all send me your questions, so please do so in the comments or via email at imyourkatieque@gmail.com. I envision this primarily being a dating advice column, but other questions are welcome, too. I also have a lot of expertise in peanut butter, for example.

We'll start off this week with an easy question, suggested by my aforementioned internet friend:

Dear Katie Qué,

What advice would you give to a guy going on a first date?

Sincerely,
I didn't know you in high school

Dear "I didn't know you in high school", 

First of all, arrive on time. No one wants to wait around for you (on that note, my sincerest apology to every guy I've ever gone out with). Also, bring a bag of bagels. At least a dozen -- you can freeze them. Why? Girls love carbs, for one thing.  Secondly, it would be a subtle suggestion that maybe you'll have breakfast together the next day. Either way, it's a win win. Unless you fucking blow it. 

Love,
Katie Qué

Need advice? Then contact me immediately because my blog depends on it. Otherwise, have a great weekend.


Disclaimer: Katie Qué is not qualified to give advice on dating, or really anything, for that matter. She has never been in a serious relationship, unless you include that with fast food establishments, particularly Domino's. Please take everything she says with a grain of salt. Better yet, a slice of pizza.

Lessons from Tinder

So, I've had Tinder for about a week and I'm already ready to delete the app. It's so overwhelming. I'm convinced that guys like every single girl and then weed them out later. That's a fine strategy for them, but it floods my inbox with notifications and messages like, "sup?" Seriously, though? That's your lead in?

Here are some very insightful observations I've made during my limited time on Tinder: 

• Everyone's name is Sean.
• I didn't know there were so many fishermen in my demographic!
• Men really love hiking, or at least that's the only time they take pictures.
• FYI: I do not want to hike with you. Maybe once or twice, max.
• I think I'm more of an indoorsy kind of girl. 
• Food is the way to my vagina  heart.
• Is it sexist that I judge men for taking selfies more than I do women?
• Maybe I should just stop judging in general:

I am also a hypocrite.

• Cats = automatic swipe right.
• Nothing kills my boner like a misused semicolon.
• Height is your defining characteristic?
• You, sir, have elephantitis and should seek medical attention immediately.
• WHY WOULD YOU EVER PUT A PICTURE WITH A TARANTULA? WHY, THOUGH? MY WHOLE DAY IS RUINED. THANKS.

I think that about sums it up. 

8 Things to stop saying to your single friends

Or, "8 things to stop saying to me, specifically'".

Or, "This list probably already exists on Thought Catalog/Buzzfeed/Huffington Post/Another fluff website".

1. Are you seeing anyone? I talk to everyone about everything, so if I meet someone worth talking about, I'll be sure to tell you. This I promise you.

2. You should date my friend/cousin/brother/neighbor's son. Just because two people are single doesn't mean they're right for each other. This philosophy applies to sexualities as well. In other words, don't do this: "Your friend's gay? He should date [this other gay person I know]!"

3. Why don't you like him? He's perfect! What the fuck is perfect? Perfect for me? Perfect for you? Perfect on a resume?

4. He likes you. You should date him!  Unfortunately, that is not a good enough reason for me. See, I have this weird thing where I want to actually like the person I'm dating, too. I know, I know, I should just feel lucky that someone likes me enough to date me, but I guess I'm greedy!

5. Maybe he'll come to my wedding with you! We went on one date, so probably not.

Alternatively:

6. I'm only giving +1s to people in relationships. Oh, okay.

7. Maybe you're dating the wrong sex. Nope, I'm not a lesbian, but thank you for asking. As much as I love the gays, questioning my sexuality is offensive. You are suggesting I don't know who I am or that I'm insecure. Trust me, guys, I love dick! (Sorry mom and dad.)

8. You want a relationship. Not everyone wants the same things. Some people want to get married; some people don't. Some people aren't sure yet. What I think we can all agree on is that no one wants to be told what they want or what to do. After all, this is America. Or whatever.

I do believe that people say these things with the best of intentions, but you have to understand that it causes me, and probably other single people, a lot of anxiety. These questions/comments suggest that a) a person's value is tied to whether or not he/she is in a relationship, and b) there is something wrong with you if you're not in one. My hypochondria coupled with general stress gives me enough to worry about. I don't need the added pressure of feeling inadequate because I'm single. I'm going to be okay, you guys!

Love you, though.

Write about this.

Over the years, I've learned that there are two main reasons why guys ask me out:

1) Because I watch football and that somehow means we're soul mates.
or
2) They want me to blog about them.

First of all, my obsession with football is not cute, okay?  I scream, I cry, I tweet incessantly. You should be embarrassed of that shit. Plus, oddly enough, there's a lot more to me than sports. If you want to talk about football and then Jane Eyre, well then that's a different story.

As for number two, why would you want me to blog about you? Isn't that, like, invasive? Also, do you think I'm going to say something nice? Because the answer is probably no. (Related question: Have you ever actually read my blog?) Pretty much the only reason why I would write about you is if you did something weird, like ask me if I'm going to write about you while we're hooking up. So.  I'm assuming you wouldn't appreciate that.  I am not Taylor Swift, you guys. I don't know what love is! I generally avoid writing about the people I've dated out of the kindness of my heart, and because I don't think the world needs to know about my sex life.

...unless you're going to pay me for it.

Not the sex, the stories! This is getting confusing. To be clear, I'm not a prostitute.

ANYWAY.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm working on a book about my past dating experiences and if you're nice (or crazy) enough to get in it, then you can pay to read what I've written about you. Maybe that is kind of prositutey. Whatever. I need money, you guys!

The Woes of Wooing

I've been dating a lot recently and while it's been a valuable learning experience, I'm totally exhausted. I know it's an obnoxious thing to complain about -- going on a lot of dates -- but I don't have the emotional capabilities to handle it.  When someone takes you out, there is always the expectation, or at least hope, that it will turn into something more. Whether that something more is a relationship or just sex, ultimately you have to decide if you want to take it to the next level. And that's why I hate dating. Listen, I've taken many courses in decision-making and it's still not my strong suit. And, as it turns out, neither is commitment.

The idea of not meeting someone's expectations and letting them down is overwhelming for me. Then again, there is always the small possibility that you'll go out and both of your expectations will be met and the sky will be filled with violins, so that's why I continue to say yes when someone pursues me. But I am oh so tired and my sky is fresh out of violins. I just want to wake up one day and be comfortably (fat) in a relationship.

Other reasons why dating sucks:

• I feel like I'm always drunk. "Wanna get a drink sometime?" is the universal way of asking someone out. Now, I'm not criticizing that. I like to drink. And one time I went out for tea and was bored out of my M-F mind, but my body is taking a serious hit. It's really hard to maintain an attractive figure while also drinking beer every night. So basically what I'm saying is that my body is your fault.
• I have very little free time. Sometimes I just want to eat pizza alone in my bed (refer to: my body is your fault), but I can't because I have to socialize so that I don't die alone. 
• Shit's expensive. This mainly applies to guys, even in my Girl Power era. I (almost) always offer to pay for myself, but I think in all of my years of dating, only one person has ever taken me up on that. However, I feel super guilty when I end up telling a guy I don't want to continue dating him and then think about all the money he spent courting me. Like, you guys spend hundreds of dollars on people you don't even know! That's insane. If I had to pay for my dates, I wouldn't be able to afford to go on any. It's a classist system. That's why I've come up with an idea for an app that you can use to ask for a refund if things didn't go as planned. It could be called "Bad Date Rebate" (TM). I'm not sure how it would work because I don't understand technology (I still have iOS 6, you guys!), but I think it's a great idea. So, developers: please get on that shit and also give me a significant cut of any profits.

Now if you're one of those couples who met and immediately fell in love, then none of this applies to you. Your life is a Disney movie; you should go pitch that shit to Pixar. Seriously, get out of here.

Tinder Retraction

Since I'm essentially a journalist by internet standards (also I totally use to write for my high school's newspaper), I feel obligated to publish an official retraction in regards to my Tinder post. Since writing it, I've talked with a number of people I respect who are using Tinder to legitimately date. So, good for them.

Love in the 21st century.

Here are what I've concluded to be the perks of Tinder:

1. It's free. 
2. It's really not any more superficial than going up to someone you think is hot at a bar.
3. No one goes up to anyone at a bar [in Boston] anyway.
4. You can probably confirm through mutual friends that the other person is not a serial killer or a different gender than indicated.*
5. Sometimes you might actually get a relationship out of it.
6. It's free.

While I feel obligated to point these things out, I should also mentioned that I have talked to other people who do use it solely to have sex with strangers and/or boost their self-esteem. So what I'm saying is I wasn't totally wrong before. And that's what's most important.

*According to Catfish, there is a 50% chance the girl you're talking to online is a guy and vice versa.

Tinder

Is it true that everyone is on Tinder except me? Or at least every single person? Or at least every non-committal person? It seems like the perfect app for the Anthony Weiners of the world.

I did some research (because instead of trying online "dating", I read articles about it), and have confirmed that Tinder is as gross as I assumed it would be.

For those of you who are unaware, Tinder is a "dating" app that allows you to find "single" people in your immediate area with whom you can "meet up" (all of those quotations are there for good reason). Essentially, users scroll through profiles and "like or dismiss" people based on their photos, and then they are notified when someone likes them back. I imagine it's similar to picking up the prostitute you think is the most attractive, but less expensive. So romantic!

Hey, it works for some people.

I feel like I'm probably offending a lot of people right now, since "everyone is on Tinder". And good for you, everyone. Do your thang. Get yours. (Someone should.) But only if that's actually what you want because I can only assume that there are two reasons why anyone would ever use Tinder:

1. to get laid
2. because they have low self-esteem

And I only assume that because those are the only reasons why anyone would ever use Tinder. In fact, according to this Huffington Post article, Tinder "works for women" because it gives them an ego boost. And I get it. I get the need for an ego boost in the age of Facebook where everyone is constantly trying to prove that their life is better than yours by way of photos and status updates, in a world where there are literally hundreds of messages aimed at you every day saying you're not young enough, or skinny enough, or smart enough (or too smart). But how is using something as superficial as Tinder helping that? Doesn't it just reaffirm the idea that the way you look is the most valuable (or least, depending) of your attributes?

Come on, ladies, LEAN IN.*

You probably didn't think I was going to get this serious about Tinder. I'm just depressed that this is what "dating" has become (and terrified that I might have to succumb to it one day). Whatever happened to the old fashioned way of getting drunk at a bar? Let's go back to that.

*Probably doesn't apply here, but it felt right.

Bringing Slutty Back

"Let's bring slutty back!" That was my grand thesis at the end of the night after my graduation party slash many many (read: too many) shots. You're probably thinking that I was on the way to a one night stand or something, but no. I was on the way home to my cat and a deep dish pizza from Domino's.

Let's break here and talk about this pizza because I cannot even get over. It's possibly the best pizza out there, and I know you're totally judging me for saying that because it's from Domino's, but you need to CHECK YOURSELF and order one right now and experience that CHEESY BLISS.

Okay, back to sluts. My idea is a lot more virtuous than it sounds. Basically, I just want women to be able to hook up with people if they want to hook up with people and not feel guilty about it or be judged for it. Much like men.

Equality, yo.

Now, I've discussed this concept with a couple people and some of them have said that they don't think the double standard exists anymore, but I disagree. In fact, just the other day, my friend told me about how she met a guy, had a great time with him, and hooked up with him on the same night; and her follow up statement was, not surprisingly, "I broke my rule of prudence and am slutty."  Do you think he thinks he's slutty? No! No, he doesn't. And furthermore, no one's slutty in this situation. People are just human in this situation. Sometimes Stella needs to get her groove on. And "rule of prudence" sounds so Victorian, which, despite its literary genre, is not a world I want to live in.  Okay, okay, maybe an arranged marriage would be nice on account of the free housing (the rent is too damn high!), but that comes at the cost of not having any kind of organized plumbing system. Think of the smell! No one wants that.

So, let's embrace 2013 and do our thing. Now, I'm not saying go out there and be gross or anything. Wrap that shit up! But then, after that, get it girl. 

Got it?

How to Be Happy as a Single Lady

This post is for my internet friend turned IRL friend, Katie, who recently broke up with her boyfriend of 6 and a 1/2 years and needs some encouragement. Katie - I have succumbed to Thought Catalog "journalism" for you. You're welcome.

How to Be Happy as a Single Lady

(Or, "Katie Qué's 12-Step Program")

Step 1: Put on Beyonce.

Step 2: Buy a cat.

Step 3: Go home after work, put on sweatpants, eat peanut butter straight out of the jar with your fingers. Get peanut butter all over said sweatpants. Look down at them and say, "IDGAF" because no one is there to look at and/or judge you.

Step 4: Go out. A lot. You're young. Who cares if people think you have a drinking problem? How can drinking ever even be a problem anyway?

Step 5: Whiskey.

Step 6: Make friends with everyone you meet (step 5 helps with this). At least at first. You can determine later whether or not they're actually cool, but in the mean time, acquire as many allies as possible. (Note: you should really focus on acquiring single allies. This is key.)

Step 7: If steps 4 and 6 are not your cup of tea, then live your life on the internet. Actually, even if they are your cup of tea, live your life on the internet. You might find that people like you more there. You might even find that people you have never met have imaginary sex with you. This could make you feel scared OR it could make you feel flattered because imaginary sex is probably the only kind of sex you're having these days. (SRY.)

Step 8: This. (NSFW)

Step 9: Take some classes. Maybe don't go back to grad school when you're working full-time because how would that ever be enjoyable? But maybe take something like improv or yoga or Spanish or this: http://www.marinhumanesociety.org/site/c.aiIOI3NLKgKYF/b.8016311/#.UYP4aaKR-So

Step 10: Read The Handmaid's Tale. Right now. In fact, this should really be Step 1, but I'm too lazy to start over.

Step 11: "Find yourself."

Step 12: And last, but certainly not least:

howsweeteats.com

www.kevinandamanda.com

Speed Dating

I went speed-dating the other night. It was as bad as it sounds. Or maybe not that bad.  It was actually surprisingly boring yet exhausting. I felt like I should have gotten a job or at least a check at the end of the night. Interestingly enough, there are waiting lists for this kind of shit, which means there are many many people out there who truly believe they will meet someone through speed-dating. I think that is probably their biggest problem, but who am I to judge? My major concern during the evening was that the waitress never came to my table.

To prepare myself, I reviewed the website, which advised the women to come early for a "complimentary makeover." This sentence made me want to die a little and so I intentionally did not go early in the hopes that I could avoid being objectified by a "certified cosmetologist." Turned out, though, that the event was actually horribly organized and there was no such cosmetologist present. There was also no explanation about what you were supposed to do. Luckily, I'm a fast learner and discovered quickly that all speed-dating really entails is having the same conversation 17-20 times. Then, if you are interested in someone, you write down his name and number on a piece of paper and give it to a receptionist. And please note that by number, I don't mean phone number, but more like how you would label cattle. ROMANCE.

Despite the fact that I was 100% dreading it, I went into the night feeling confident since a) I didn't actually give a shit and b) people usually like me initially. Initially being the operative word here. Statistics show that my novelty wears off somewhere between 3-5 weeks. So, it seemed like rapid-fire dating would come naturally to me. Then again, I didn't drink much beforehand and statistics also show that people typically ask me out when I'm totally drunk at a party. And then I make them repeat everything they told me at that party on our first date because I was too drunk to remember. It's possible that could have something to do with the whole 3-5 week thing.

Anyway, speed dating was like multicultural night for the socially awkward. I think everyone there worked in IT exclusively. Those people need a support group or something. I'm also pretty sure that I was the least accomplished person in the room. Most of the people I talked to were at least 30 and living in the suburbs in houses they OWN, and I was all like, "Yeah, I live in a basement, so."

One guy asked me what my greatest passion was (he must have googled, "questions to ask while speed dating"), to which I responded, "Eating." This actually led to the most interesting conversation of the night, involving a discussion  about exotics meats.  On that note, have you guys heard of the lion craze happening in Illinois right now? Lion. Like, the king of the jungle. I feel like that's unethical. Then again, I can't say I wouldn't try it, since, you know, YOLO or whatever.

Needless to say, I didn't find my soul-mate through speed dating, but at least I can now cross it off my list of things I don't want to do but will do anyway.

That Time Steve Harvey Wanted Me on His Talk Show

I thought I had made it. I really had. I got an email from a producer at NBC who said she had read my blog. I immediately thought to myself: They want me to write for SNL! I should quit my job! I need to get an apartment in New York! This is all happening so fast!

He knows what women want.

In reality, the only thing that was happening so fast was my thought process. She was actually writing on behalf of the Steve Harvey Show, which is apparently a new piece of daytime television, and "doing extremely well!" Whatever that means. According to its website, it's been on air for approximately two weeks.

Anyway, she asked if I would like to be on the show for one of their new segments called, "United Dates of America."  I'd be set up on three dates and they'd be filmed and then Steve Harvey would critique them. I'm assuming she thought I might be a good fit for this segment considering much of my blog consists of dating and also not dating and also what it's like to have a cat.

The problem is, she left out something really important, something I discovered when I went to the website for more information. What Steve really wanted was to feature me as ONE OF THE WORST DATERS IN AMERICA.

Apparently Steve is a relationship guru, and he wants to HEAL me. Cheese and crepes! I mean I know I'm single and whatever, but like, worst dater in America? I don't think I would go that far.

So, after much deliberation, I decided that I didn't really want to be humiliated on national television, especially by someone, who I can only assume is a sexist asshole:

(Spoiler alert: gay men aren't real.)

Anyway, I imagine his advice on dating would be something along the lines of "keep your mouth shut and look pretty." We would have gotten along really well.

(Note: A few weeks ago I also thought I made it because someone at a Jewish online newspaper also found my blog and asked me to write for them. As it turns out, they thought I was Jewish. So that didn't work out...)

Bad Date Rescue

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I have succumbed to internet dating. However, I haven't actually gone on any dates yet. Half of the people I've been connected with on Coffee Meets Bagel haven't completed their profile, so I assumed they were boring and not worth my time. The other half wrote that they "look good in a suit."  Is this important? If we go on a date are you going to wear a suit?  Or, are you saying that I shouldn't expect much since you only look good when you're in a suit? I'm not sure. Either way, it seems irrelevant. And also lame. Is that really all you could come up with to describe yourself? I guess not everyone can be as clever and perfect as I am.

Everyone on the site also seems to really like technology. This could be problematic since someone recently had to explain to me how to take a screenshot.  Also, I find that people on internet sites who "love technology" mostly want to talk to you via email or text so that they don't have to actually see you in person. So that's pretty fun. 

This is actually grammatically incorrect.

But, I'm actually going on my first internet date tonight, mainly because the guy put in his profile that he doesn't like texting. However, that may or may not be all we have in common. In fact, I pretty much know nothing else about him. At first, this seemed great. I didn't have to waste my time texting back and forth about stupid shit. And, since we don't really know much about each other, we should have plenty to talk about. But then, as the date got closer, I started to worry. What if we actually have nothing to talk about because we have nothing in common? What if he's mentally unstable? What if he's a pedophile? What if he reads this post about him? WHAT IF HE DOESN'T LIKE CATS?!

So, I decided that I needed an escape route. That's positive thinking, right? Planning in advance how you're going to get away from someone. Should go well. Anyway, I downloaded this "Bad Date Rescue" app, which can be used "to believably excuse yourself while sparing the other person's feelings" (The Week). Essentially, you schedule an "emergency" so that you later receive a fake phone call which will allow you to excuse yourself and ultimately leave. It's the polite way to totally ditch someone you don't like. 

Coffee, Bagels, and (Hopefully) Jewish Boys

The time has come. My fear of online dating has finally been outweighed by my fear of dying alone, and alas, I am now on a dating website.

www.coffeemeetsbagel.com

I was attracted to Coffee Meets Bagel because of the word bagel and its affiliation to Jews. Also, it requires little to no effort, which is great, since dating is less important to me than is not being alone when all of my friends inevitably move in with their boyfriends/girlfriends and get dogs and leave me in the DUST with my (stunningly flawless) cat. I have this very urgent fear that I will have to live over someone's garage in the suburbs when I'm 30 and be the obligatory invite to Thanksgiving. That cannot happen.

(Also, I make some really good desserts, so I promise to be a valuable guest.)

See?

So anyway, now I'm on a dating website, which I'm not sure will really help because I have a busy schedule and would likely choose spinning over getting coffee with someone I probably won't like anyway. My dad told me I need to be less picky. Then I told him to start giving my number out to people he works with. That is the low point at which I am right now.

Also, if he knew the options I have been given lately, he probably would appreciate my "high standards." The last guy I met asked to come home with me after SHOWING ME PICTURES OF HIS BABY. So yeah, no. No babies. Possibly ever. That's definitely a standard. I should probably go add that to my dating profile.

Missing Mojo

Sorry for the severe lack in posts lately. Grad school has taken over the better part of my life. Lately, if I'm not at work or school (which happens to be the same place), I want to be in my pajamas, on my couch, very very close to a bottle of wine. This is concerning to me, because even when I have the option to go out, even on a date, I'm not interested.

Did you read what I just said? The person who worries and complains about being single on an almost daily basis is currently not even interested in dating. What is happening to me? Am I going to shrivel up and die alone with my cat? Probably not. More than likely I will eat my way into morbid obesity and end up like Gilbert Grape (with a cat). Still dead and alone, but mainly bloated. Because, even though I'm bogged down with homework and have little-to-no energy, I still manage to find the time to make things like this:

I didn't even use Instagram.

Those were delicious, by the way.  But let's get back to the main issue here: I have lost my mojo. I think. I'm actually not sure if I ever had a mojo. I don't really even know what that is. It sounds like an expensive drink from Starbucks.

MAGICAL CHARM BAG.

Anyway, if I don't get whatever I lost back, shadows will come out of my vagina like that sorceress chick in Game of Thrones last night.


Editor's Note: My friend pointed out to me that Gilbert Grape's mom was the obese person stuck in the house, not Gilbert Grape. Sorry to all you huge Gilbert Grape fans out there.

My Blogger Promise

As you have probably learned from reading this blog, I may or may not ever have a boyfriend. But, I promise with all of my heart that if I ever do have one, I will never, ever refer to him as "The Boyfriend" or "The Boy" (see also: "The Husband" and "Hubby"). 


This is an obnoxious thing bloggers and people on Facebook do. Not only is it annoying, but it's also grammatically inappropriate.  Boyfriend is not a proper noun. Ever. It's just a regular old noun. And, under (almost) no circumstance does it require a demonstrative adjective. Your boyfriend is not the only boyfriend of the world; he is your boyfriend. Just yours*. Congratulations. 


He also has a name, so use it. We'll be able to figure out using context clues that Bob, who lives with you and eats the food you make, is your boyfriend. So, don't worry -- everyone will still know that you have one! 


Or, if you're too afraid to say his name on the internet, then don't fucking talk about him because chances are none of your readers give a shit anyway. I came to your blog to get a pie recipe not to hear about your relationship.

Deep breath.

As you can see, using "The Boyfriend" is one of my pet peeves. Right up there with people you're not related to saying things like, "Mom says hi." No. Your mom says hi. We're not siblings. That would be fucking disgusting considering what we just did.





*Unless of course he's cheating on you, in which case, sucks to be you.

Line up

A few posts back, I taught you all some very valuable lessons on dating that I've learned over the years. Now, I'd like to share with you some of the best pick up lines I've ever heard:

• I like your glasses. You must be smart. Actually, contrary to popular belief, this is not true. Just because you wear glasses does not mean you are smart. Exhibit A:

SHE WROTE A BOOK. 

• I like your glasses. You look like a sexy librarian. Librarians barely exist, so basically you're saying that I look unemployed. Though, you did say sexy, and ideally I would be unemployed if you could financially support me, so maybe this one isn't so bad.
• I like your glasses. You look like a lesbian. Okay, maybe this is not a pick up line, but I seem to get it a lot.  That's concerning.
• I like your glasses. They're Anne Klein. You can get them at your local Lens Crafters.
• What kind of sports did you play in high school?  This is actually a pretty common one, and I don't understand how it could ever be an interesting conversation starter, but that's probably because I didn't play any sports in high school. The last time I told a guy that, he said: "Well, you look like you did." I look like I played sports 8 years ago? What does that even mean?
• Brown eyes are amazing. Someone I was dating said this to me. My eyes are green. 
• I want to give you a hair cut right now. I don't even have an explanation for this one except that it's fucking weird. 

And finally, my personal favorite:

• You look like you could fit into kids' clothes... just, like, a larger size. Oo, yeah, I'm pretty sure you  just called me a fat little girl, so...

Alright guys, I know it's hard to come up with something interesting to say to a stranger, especially if you're super awkward like me, but even I have some impressive lines, such as this one:

• So... do you want to come over and meet my cat? Yep. Works all the time, every time.*

*Note: has worked one out of one times.

It's-a-match-dot-com

I found the man of my dreams online. Not on Craiglist or MySpace or anything weird like that. It was way more legitimate. I found him here: www.itsnotamatch.com


The guy who writes this blog is pretty much my soul-mate and here are a few reasons why:


1) He uses proper grammar and spelling.  
2) He wrote, "The last weight I lifted was my cat."

3)  He tweeted, "I have no idea what my theoretical girlfriend would eat for dinner, but it seems my cat likes avocado."

4) He wrote, “I do front load a lot of my dates with hardcore racial humor.” 
5) He tweeted, "Pretty sure my date lost interest when I told her I had a cat. I didn't even mention that I dress her up."

Note the Jewish bear sitting next to the TV that has been unplugged and unused for 2 years because I don't care about television. Also, note how stunning this photo is. Also, note how long this caption is.

Basically, he had me at cat. And you know how I feel about good punctuation and a well-timed [politically incorrect] joke. I just wish he knew how I felt. Maybe I need to email this to him as a testimony of my love. If only I could virtually spray my email with some perfume so he could know how serious I am. I think he'd be both flattered and a little terrified. But that might work in my favor. I know many girls who have scared men into dating them. This is a tactic I have not yet tried, so it's worth a shot.


So, "B" of itsnotamatch.com, if you're reading this, I think there is a real future for us. Though, I believe you live in LA so you're going to have to relocate to the east coast. Unless you have a lot of frequent flyer miles--that could work, too. Also, I don't know if you have another job in addition to blogging, but I hope you can financially support me because I'm looking forward to not having to work. We can discuss all of this in more detail on our first date.