Horseplay

Everyone is all up in arms about this horse meat thing, and I don't even get it. Seriously, what's the difference between eating a horse and eating a cow?  Have you guys seen what we do to cows before we slaughter them and send them to McDonald's?

World Class Treatment

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a vegetarian. I love cheese burgers, preferably when they're still bleeding a little bit. I'm just saying, don't cry about the horse you might have ate after spending $1 on a sandwich. It doesn't make sense. Like, people are actually surprised that Ikea is using questionable meat? Maybe don't get fucking meatballs at a furniture store.

Let's pretend the horse thing isn't an issue for a second. Do you think fast-food chains and discount stores are really using Grade A beef? What is Grade A beef anyway?

I have so many questions and none of them are about horses.

Public Service Announcement

Now, I was sitting in my office so I can only sort of imagine this scene and apply it to the words I heard, but this happened today:

Coworker #1: [comes into office, (presumably) takes a piece of candy]
Coworker #2: "Excuse me, should you be eating that? Aren't you on Weight Watchers?"

Like, what the fuck? Coworker #1 then starts defending herself and her "point" choice and all I could think is that this world is so fucked up and why can't anyone just eat a M-F piece of candy in peace. Just eat it in quiet, serene, judgement-free, fucking peace.

????

I wanted to cry for her.

I've dealt with a warped body image my whole life. Let's be real, who hasn't? But it's really hard to feel like an empowered woman when you're still constantly thinking about what you should look like. That's something I'm trying to work on, but I need your help.

I used to eat 60 calorie lunches because I wanted to weigh 10 pounds less and the only way to do that was to effectively starve myself. But why did I ever care about weighing 10 pounds less? Why?! Perhaps because every message I get from the world -- from TV and the internet and my coworkers -- is that I should weigh 10 lbs less. I should probably weigh 20 lbs less. I SHOULD BE INVISIBLE.

Stop the madness, everyone. Please.

Girl problems.

The other day, my boss stopped me in the hallway and said, "Katie, you're wasting away into nothing!" and I felt flattered, which is pretty fucked up since that's the kind of thing you'd say to someone who has a terminal illness. Once, my friend told me I looked "gaunt," and I took it as a compliment. A compliment! There's nothing okay about that. And what's sadder is that I know most of my female friends would have had the same reaction. To quote Fiona Apple, this world is bullshit.

Imagine what we women could be doing with our time if we weren't so preoccupied with the shape of our bodies. We'd all be burning our bras, or something. According to a recent study, "women who were primed to evaluate themselves based on their appearance and sexual desirability had a decreased motivation to challenge gender-based inequalities and injustices." Instead, we're destroying our joints on an elliptical every day in order to look attractive enough for someone to put a ring on it.  

Speaking of rings, I'll never forget this fun fact I learned while discussing King Solomon's Mines in college:

The idea of a diamond engagement ring is roughly a century old. Guess who invented the concept? Not surprisingly, it's the same people who mined the diamonds -- the De Beers diamond syndicate. [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ira-weissman/7-reasons-why-you-shouldn_b_1720870.html]

So romantic.

On that note, happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

Vlogging.

Valentine's Day

In college, this guy, whom I liked and took to cocktail* and immediately ditched me for one of my friends, took me to the beach one Valentine's Day. We strolled along the shore and listened to the waves and threw shells into the sea, and it was magical and poetic, and then he still didn't want to date me, so that was that.

Another Valentine's Day, I went on a first date with a big black sailor who later called me and said, "I'm bisexual," to which I responded, "Excuse me?" To which, he responded, "Just kidding!" And I was like, "That's not a real joke, so."

I also once got two presents from two different guys and cried because I didn't want to date either of them and I was scared of hurting their feelings. I'm probably the only girl in America who has cried about getting multiple gifts on Valentine's Day. Asshole, I know.

Despite all this, I actually really like Valentine's Day, mostly because I appreciate any time where it is not only socially acceptable, but also encouraged to binge eat candy and desserts.

It's also yet another reason to put Boo's face on a card and send it to everyone I've ever met and also some people I only know from the internet. So look forward to that.

*That's sorority for a "formal" party, or by anyone else's standards, an absolute shit show.

5ive

You guys, I think this song is about rape.

Key indications:

• Babe, I swear you will succumb to me.
• Baby, that's not part of the deal.
• Ain't no use in putting up a fight.
• I wanna knock your socks off, 
  knock your block off. 

This is some crazy ass shit. I'm not quite sure what the last one even means, but it sounds like he's going to behead her. Anyway, this song used to be my jam back in '98, but after listening to it this morning, I'm simply terrified. 

Love Chronicles

In order to survive being on the elliptical, I a) listen to gangster rap from 1996-2001, or b) recall, in chronological order, every celebrity/fictional character I've ever had a crush on. Here you go:

1.

Says a lot about me, I think.

2.

So much in common. 

3.

He had me at Radiohead.

4.

Sexiest Disney concert ever, am I right?

5. 

This picture was on my birthday cake.
Thanks, Mom!

6. 

In love with a dead guy.

At this point, it's possible that I started liking actual boys.  Or maybe not.

7.

143 Magic

8.

But seriously, who didn't?

9.

Dream Jew.

10. 

Mr. Rochester 4-L

So. Should I be more concerned that my childhood crush was a man who wore spandex and makeup, or that my ultimate dream man is a fictional character from a book written in 1847?

Plagiarism

I was recently notified that, on the season 2 premier of Girls, Lena's character dresses up as a Quaker. Does that sound familiar to you any of you?

Boom.

This is the 3rd *recorded* time that someone who makes way more money than I do has STOLEN one of my jokes.

Instance 1: Circa 2006, I wrote a potential SNL sketch about the Virgin Mary finding out she's pregnant with God's child on the Maury Povich show.

Then this happened:

Comedy Central

(Except in my version, God actually was the father, and he wasn't happy about it. Neither was Joseph. Trick ass hoe.)

Instance 2: While watching Rudolph this holiday season, I had a revelation that the story is really a social commentary on the plight of the Jews. Think about it. Rudolph is cast out because of his nose; the elf is snubbed for wanting to be a DENTIST. Concidence? I think not.

And neither, apparently, does Andy Borowitz:

What the M-F fuck?

There are only three possible reasons why this *keeps* happening to me:

1. Celebrities around the world are evesdropping on my conversations.
2. I have no copyrights nor anyway to prove that I said any of these things unless you trust the word of my friends (which you totally should).
3. I'm unoriginal (!!!!)

This is the darkest day.

Me: I'm just really upset right now because she has a hit show on HBO and I have a blog that 100 people read.
Meredith: You also have a basement apartment.
Me: I don't even have a basement apartment. I RENT a basement* apartment. 

*Garden-level

The Sick Side of Marriage

Have any of you taken note of Delsym's commercials? I have. They make me stop in my tracks (meaning I remain seated on my couch).

This woman is being a real bitch to her husband. There he is in his own home, very ill, and she's mad at him for coughing. Mad at him! Like how shitty is that? Sure, he should probably be in bed if he's that sick. He could also get up and get his own M-F cough syrup. But why get mad about it?

Usually, commercials try to portray the glamorous side of marriage. You know, where the woman is almost always washing the floor and the husband is grilling and drinking Coors or maybe pretending to fix something but he doesn't really know what he's doing and his wife is laughing at him because men, am I right ladies?

But Delsym is getting real with us. Delsym is saying that five years into your marriage you're going to get into a fight about cough syrup while watching American Idol because that's what you do for fun now.

BLEAK.

And this is the reason why guys don't take girls out to dinner anymore. This commercial. According to a recent NYT article about the death of courtship:

"A lot of men in their 20s are reluctant to take the girl to the French restaurant, or buy them jewelry, because those steps tend to lead to 'eventually, we're going to get married.'"

(And you thought girls were crazy.) If that is the case, though, I guess I have to congratulate all the men who have taken me out to dinner in the past. Apparently, one of you has to marry me now.

Hope you never get sick!

Swag.

As it turns out, people do want to have sex with Tina Fey, so that bodes well for me. And Tina Fey, I suppose. I think I owe her an apology for ever doubting her sex appeal.

Speaking of sex appeal:

THIS.

It's incredible to me that so much beauty can come out of one animal. In my not-at-all humble opinion, this beauty should be shared with the masses, which is why I'm considering making Boo-related magnets and/or buttons. These would be a gift from me to the world, mainly because I doubt anyone would pay for them.

But if you would pay for them, let me know, because I could really use a few extra dollars.