I went to Bermuda...

kind of a while ago at this point, but I've been so damn busy hanging out with Oprah and such. So yeah.  But in case you were wondering how my cruise to Bermuda was, here's a little recap:

I started every day at the gym. I know, I'm shocked too, but it happened.

Proof!

Don't worry, though, because afterwords I would eat two breakfasts. The thing about cruise food is that it's not spectacular. In fact, it's marginal at best. But what it lacks in quality, it makes up for in quantity. What cruise food has going for it is its abundance and availability. I'm pretty sure bacon was available 24 hours a day and I think that because I had it at almost every meal, which means like 4 times a day since I had two breakfasts. So, you can imagine how I felt when I returned to civilization and read this:

Processed Meat Declared Too Dangerous for Human Consumption

But also, I'm wondering how many times the health industry is going to *shock* us with news like this.

Anyway, after breakfast(s), I'd sit by the pool and read Tina Fey's book, which made me laugh out loud every paragraph and feel evermore grateful that so many people compare me to her.We do have a lot in common, though. And by that I mean, we both wear glasses and have a lot of gay friends. We also suffer from self-inflicted anxiety and chin acne. Twins!

I'd also do a lot of people watching, which gave me a confidence boost since, comparatively, I was more attractive than 90% of the people on the cruise.  Most people were over 45 and overweight.  However, because I'm terrified of the sun and always cold even in the tropics, I spent a lot of the time wearing a long sleeve shirt and/or wrapped in a towel. Therefore, very few people got to experience my (relatively speaking) hot bod. Sorry, folks.

(incredible cinematography)

Overall, I'm not quite sure cruises are my cup of tea. I, of course, felt sea-sick most of time and ended up spending $20 on various motion sickness remedies, including these really cool sweatbands:

I also would have enjoyed spending more of my time here: