Too busy for the internet.

Hi friends. It's been a while, and I'm sorry. That is, if you've noticed. If you haven't noticed, well then fuck you!

Just kidding. I don't care. I've been really busy lately. Don't you hate when people say that? Like their life is so fucking important. Sorry I couldn't call you back - I've been so busy! Sorry I disappeared from your life all together. I'm just sooooo busy.  My job that involves sitting at a desk all day is too overwhelming for me to remember that you exist! [This concludes my vague bitter rant about men who have ghosted on me in the past.]

Blingee.

I actually am so fucking busy, though. My job has fairly drastically changed over the last few weeks which means I have to spend the majority of my day doing actual work as opposed to looking at the internet. WOE IS ME.

Don't get me wrong. I am still having a lot of fun (read: drinks). I also joined OKcupid, which is one of the scariest places on [virtual] earth. Why I joined now, when I have relatively no free time, is a mystery to me as well as to everyone I've communicated with, but I wouldn't be me if I didn't constantly overbook my life so that I feel perpetual stress and anxiety.

Most stressed 2004-present.

But let's talk about OkCupid. It's perfect for my generation of people who need to be simultaneously over-stimulated and immediately satisfied.  For example, if you want to jump right into a relationship, you can simply skip the courtship part and just read someone's answers to hundreds of incredibly invasive questions, such as:

"Do you like to be choked during sex?"

For the record, I didn't answer that one. There are some things I think people should discover over time, like whether or not you enjoy S&M. I'm just old-fashioned in that way, you know?

Here's a question that has explained a lot about the difference between men and women:

"Is foreplay necessary before sex?" 

Literally every man I've looked at has answered this question with "no".

As you will note, 98% of the questions are sexual, so I'm not even sure if OkCupid is a dating website or more like a free escort service, in which case, I am using it incorrectly. Who knows? Maybe I'll figure that out when I'm not soooooo busy.

Tinder Retraction

Since I'm essentially a journalist by internet standards (also I totally use to write for my high school's newspaper), I feel obligated to publish an official retraction in regards to my Tinder post. Since writing it, I've talked with a number of people I respect who are using Tinder to legitimately date. So, good for them.

Love in the 21st century.

Here are what I've concluded to be the perks of Tinder:

1. It's free. 
2. It's really not any more superficial than going up to someone you think is hot at a bar.
3. No one goes up to anyone at a bar [in Boston] anyway.
4. You can probably confirm through mutual friends that the other person is not a serial killer or a different gender than indicated.*
5. Sometimes you might actually get a relationship out of it.
6. It's free.

While I feel obligated to point these things out, I should also mentioned that I have talked to other people who do use it solely to have sex with strangers and/or boost their self-esteem. So what I'm saying is I wasn't totally wrong before. And that's what's most important.

*According to Catfish, there is a 50% chance the girl you're talking to online is a guy and vice versa.

Tinder

Is it true that everyone is on Tinder except me? Or at least every single person? Or at least every non-committal person? It seems like the perfect app for the Anthony Weiners of the world.

I did some research (because instead of trying online "dating", I read articles about it), and have confirmed that Tinder is as gross as I assumed it would be.

For those of you who are unaware, Tinder is a "dating" app that allows you to find "single" people in your immediate area with whom you can "meet up" (all of those quotations are there for good reason). Essentially, users scroll through profiles and "like or dismiss" people based on their photos, and then they are notified when someone likes them back. I imagine it's similar to picking up the prostitute you think is the most attractive, but less expensive. So romantic!

Hey, it works for some people.

I feel like I'm probably offending a lot of people right now, since "everyone is on Tinder". And good for you, everyone. Do your thang. Get yours. (Someone should.) But only if that's actually what you want because I can only assume that there are two reasons why anyone would ever use Tinder:

1. to get laid
2. because they have low self-esteem

And I only assume that because those are the only reasons why anyone would ever use Tinder. In fact, according to this Huffington Post article, Tinder "works for women" because it gives them an ego boost. And I get it. I get the need for an ego boost in the age of Facebook where everyone is constantly trying to prove that their life is better than yours by way of photos and status updates, in a world where there are literally hundreds of messages aimed at you every day saying you're not young enough, or skinny enough, or smart enough (or too smart). But how is using something as superficial as Tinder helping that? Doesn't it just reaffirm the idea that the way you look is the most valuable (or least, depending) of your attributes?

Come on, ladies, LEAN IN.*

You probably didn't think I was going to get this serious about Tinder. I'm just depressed that this is what "dating" has become (and terrified that I might have to succumb to it one day). Whatever happened to the old fashioned way of getting drunk at a bar? Let's go back to that.

*Probably doesn't apply here, but it felt right.

Bringing Slutty Back

"Let's bring slutty back!" That was my grand thesis at the end of the night after my graduation party slash many many (read: too many) shots. You're probably thinking that I was on the way to a one night stand or something, but no. I was on the way home to my cat and a deep dish pizza from Domino's.

Let's break here and talk about this pizza because I cannot even get over. It's possibly the best pizza out there, and I know you're totally judging me for saying that because it's from Domino's, but you need to CHECK YOURSELF and order one right now and experience that CHEESY BLISS.

Okay, back to sluts. My idea is a lot more virtuous than it sounds. Basically, I just want women to be able to hook up with people if they want to hook up with people and not feel guilty about it or be judged for it. Much like men.

Equality, yo.

Now, I've discussed this concept with a couple people and some of them have said that they don't think the double standard exists anymore, but I disagree. In fact, just the other day, my friend told me about how she met a guy, had a great time with him, and hooked up with him on the same night; and her follow up statement was, not surprisingly, "I broke my rule of prudence and am slutty."  Do you think he thinks he's slutty? No! No, he doesn't. And furthermore, no one's slutty in this situation. People are just human in this situation. Sometimes Stella needs to get her groove on. And "rule of prudence" sounds so Victorian, which, despite its literary genre, is not a world I want to live in.  Okay, okay, maybe an arranged marriage would be nice on account of the free housing (the rent is too damn high!), but that comes at the cost of not having any kind of organized plumbing system. Think of the smell! No one wants that.

So, let's embrace 2013 and do our thing. Now, I'm not saying go out there and be gross or anything. Wrap that shit up! But then, after that, get it girl. 

Got it?

Food Porn

I'm so scared. And also aroused. Look at this:

Chocolate Chip 'n Oreo Fudge Brownie Bar
www.kevinandamanda.com

I got so worked up after seeing this that I went to my kitchen and stuck my fingers into a jar of peanut butter and then licked it off. Multiple times. 


Now I just feel dirty and cheap. And also unsatisfied. I will think of nothing else but these oreo cookie brownie orgy bars until I make them and eat them. All of them. And that will probably happen this weekend because otherwise I'll continue recklessly binge eating every day snacks that will never be good enough, no matter what they do.