Katie Que&A

Dear Katie Qué&A,

Two of my good friends have been dating for several years.  One year ago, while the girlfriend was visiting family for a few months, her boyfriend cheated on her with another good mutual friend.  After he told his girlfriend about it, she decided to forgive him and stay together.  But now she wants me to stay friends with both of them but ditch the girl he cheated on her with.  I still want to be friends with all three of them, and in my mind what he did was worse than what she did.  What should I do?  

Sincerely,
I wish I could bake a cake out of rainbows and smiles and we'd all eat and be happy

Dear "I wish I could bake a cake out of rainbows", 

Wow, man. I'm embarrassed at how stereotypically female this girl is being -- hating on the other woman, while forgiving her boyfriend. My first suggestion is for her to read my recent post about feminism. My second suggestion is for her to listen the Spice Girls' hit single "Wannabe" in which they recommend, "if you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends." Technically, her boyfriend followed that advice, so. 

Girl Power

Furthermore, if this chick can forgive her boyfriend, then she should be able to forgive her friend. But, IRREGARDLESS, she has absolutely no right to tell you who you can be friends with.  So, I think you should tell your friend, "You better check yourself, before you wreck [all of your own friendships]". And then bake that cake and be friends with everyone. 

 Hearts & Stars,

 Katie Qué

Need relationship advice? Write to me at imyourkatieque@gmail.com.

Katie Que&A

Dear Katie Qué&A,

I bought a Groupon© for some flowers for my girlfriend a few weeks ago. We have been on the rocks lately though, so I have not given her the flowers. In the mean time, I met this really cute girl who works at the cafe by my house and we have been flirting hardcore. What are the guidelines for giving a girl flowers? Like, how soon is too soon? This girl is wicked cute, and the Groupon© expires in a week, please help me!

Sincerely, Disloyal in Dallas

She really doesn't know what's coming to her.

Dear "Disloyal in Dallas", 

Flowers die, dude, just like love. So, my suggestion would be to give the flowers to your current girlfriend, as you originally intended, with a note that says, "The life of these flowers is sure to fade, like that of our relationship." And then, once the flowers are dead, you're free! Hey, at least you're giving her fair warning (and you're getting 50% off!). I'm actually not sure why more people don't break up with their significant others this way. It's at least more polite than ghosting.  

Hearts & Stars,  

Katie Qué

Contributing Editor: Dan Fenner

Need relationship advice? Write to me at imyourkatieque@gmail.com.

Disclaimer: Katie Qué is not qualified to give advice on dating, or really anything, for that matter. She has never been in a serious relationship, unless you include that with fast food establishments, particularly Domino's. Please take everything she says with a grain of salt. Better yet, a slice of pizza.

Katie Que&A

Dear Katie Que&A, My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and things are going well. But lately he has been talking about kids in a very presumptuous way. He says things like, "when we have kids, they will so and so" or "I'll never let our kids do such and such." We haven't even discussed marriage, so I'm not sure how to approach this sensitive topic. How can I get him on the right track without hurting or relationship? Sincerely, Barren in Bethesda

This is the rest of your life.

Dear "Barren in Bathesda", 

Kids? Run away, girl. As fast as you can. 

Or, show him this natural birth video* and tell him you want him to videotape one of your own, when the time comes. OR, tell him that childbirth increases your chances of needing vaginal mesh one day. VAGINAL MESH. 

If that doesn't terrify him, then I recommend that you have him sign a legal document that says he will provide at least 50% of the support, both financially and in terms of care. I mean, this was really his idea so you should probably up that to 75%. You could even write in a clause that says he is required to change every diaper. You would never touch a single diaper! Think about it. Also, please be sure to do this before you stop taking birth control. Sort of like a prenuptial agreement. A pre-conceptional agreement, if you will. 

Tell your uterus I said I'm sorry. 

Hearts and stars, 

Katie Qué

Contributing Editor: Dan Fenner

*DO NOT CLICK THAT.

Katie Que&A

I am always shocked when people ask me for dating/relationship advice, given the fact that I'm perpetually single, but I actually get asked quite a bit. So, an internet friend of mine suggested that I start an advice column, and thus, Katie Qué&A was born.

Each week, I will provide someone with sage advice about dating, using my extensive research in the field. Some of my experience includes:

• Stalking 
• Friend-zoning
• Ghosting
• Tweeting 

@Drake CALL ME.
— Katie Qué (@imyourkatieque) April 11, 2014

• Tindering
• Binge eating
• Cats

This concept will only work if you all send me your questions, so please do so in the comments or via email at imyourkatieque@gmail.com. I envision this primarily being a dating advice column, but other questions are welcome, too. I also have a lot of expertise in peanut butter, for example.

We'll start off this week with an easy question, suggested by my aforementioned internet friend:

Dear Katie Qué,

What advice would you give to a guy going on a first date?

Sincerely,
I didn't know you in high school

Dear "I didn't know you in high school", 

First of all, arrive on time. No one wants to wait around for you (on that note, my sincerest apology to every guy I've ever gone out with). Also, bring a bag of bagels. At least a dozen -- you can freeze them. Why? Girls love carbs, for one thing.  Secondly, it would be a subtle suggestion that maybe you'll have breakfast together the next day. Either way, it's a win win. Unless you fucking blow it. 

Love,
Katie Qué

Need advice? Then contact me immediately because my blog depends on it. Otherwise, have a great weekend.


Disclaimer: Katie Qué is not qualified to give advice on dating, or really anything, for that matter. She has never been in a serious relationship, unless you include that with fast food establishments, particularly Domino's. Please take everything she says with a grain of salt. Better yet, a slice of pizza.