Katie Que&A

I am always shocked when people ask me for dating/relationship advice, given the fact that I'm perpetually single, but I actually get asked quite a bit. So, an internet friend of mine suggested that I start an advice column, and thus, Katie Qué&A was born.

Each week, I will provide someone with sage advice about dating, using my extensive research in the field. Some of my experience includes:

• Stalking 
• Friend-zoning
• Ghosting
• Tweeting 

@Drake CALL ME.
— Katie Qué (@imyourkatieque) April 11, 2014

• Tindering
• Binge eating
• Cats

This concept will only work if you all send me your questions, so please do so in the comments or via email at imyourkatieque@gmail.com. I envision this primarily being a dating advice column, but other questions are welcome, too. I also have a lot of expertise in peanut butter, for example.

We'll start off this week with an easy question, suggested by my aforementioned internet friend:

Dear Katie Qué,

What advice would you give to a guy going on a first date?

Sincerely,
I didn't know you in high school

Dear "I didn't know you in high school", 

First of all, arrive on time. No one wants to wait around for you (on that note, my sincerest apology to every guy I've ever gone out with). Also, bring a bag of bagels. At least a dozen -- you can freeze them. Why? Girls love carbs, for one thing.  Secondly, it would be a subtle suggestion that maybe you'll have breakfast together the next day. Either way, it's a win win. Unless you fucking blow it. 

Love,
Katie Qué

Need advice? Then contact me immediately because my blog depends on it. Otherwise, have a great weekend.


Disclaimer: Katie Qué is not qualified to give advice on dating, or really anything, for that matter. She has never been in a serious relationship, unless you include that with fast food establishments, particularly Domino's. Please take everything she says with a grain of salt. Better yet, a slice of pizza.

Things I learned this weekend

1. It's always great to get out of the city and appreciate nature sometimes, especially if that nature is outside of a 4 bedroom house equipped with surround sound and a wine fridge.

Lake George, NY

2. In college, girls demonstrate friendship by cleaning up after you when you throw up.

Friends by choice.

3. I made a bomb playlist during our road trip to Lake George this weekend. I definitely should have been a DJ.

4. If you take Mariah's vocals out of this song, it's mostly just Puff Daddy making random comments and giggling.

5. And then ODB introduces himself. #RIP

6. Taco Bell really stops serving breakfast at 11 am, so don't show up at 11:06. 

7. If you say your name is "Tricky" on Tinder, you can expect this from me:

8. The opposite of a dick pic is a "snatchsnap". 

9. If you're going to say something (allegedly) brilliant on Twitter, you should spell-check it first.

10. On that note, this is the most important thing that has ever happened to me.

P.S. Today marks my first Things I Learned This Weekend linkup. I'm still new to this whole linkup concept, so I'm not even quite sure what it means or what to do, but if you want to recap your weekend bullet-point style, then follow my lead and also use this fancy image created for me by my new blog friend, Jessi. (Thanks, girl!)

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Lessons from Tinder

So, I've had Tinder for about a week and I'm already ready to delete the app. It's so overwhelming. I'm convinced that guys like every single girl and then weed them out later. That's a fine strategy for them, but it floods my inbox with notifications and messages like, "sup?" Seriously, though? That's your lead in?

Here are some very insightful observations I've made during my limited time on Tinder: 

• Everyone's name is Sean.
• I didn't know there were so many fishermen in my demographic!
• Men really love hiking, or at least that's the only time they take pictures.
• FYI: I do not want to hike with you. Maybe once or twice, max.
• I think I'm more of an indoorsy kind of girl. 
• Food is the way to my vagina  heart.
• Is it sexist that I judge men for taking selfies more than I do women?
• Maybe I should just stop judging in general:

I am also a hypocrite.

• Cats = automatic swipe right.
• Nothing kills my boner like a misused semicolon.
• Height is your defining characteristic?
• You, sir, have elephantitis and should seek medical attention immediately.
• WHY WOULD YOU EVER PUT A PICTURE WITH A TARANTULA? WHY, THOUGH? MY WHOLE DAY IS RUINED. THANKS.

I think that about sums it up. 

Tinder Retraction

Since I'm essentially a journalist by internet standards (also I totally use to write for my high school's newspaper), I feel obligated to publish an official retraction in regards to my Tinder post. Since writing it, I've talked with a number of people I respect who are using Tinder to legitimately date. So, good for them.

Love in the 21st century.

Here are what I've concluded to be the perks of Tinder:

1. It's free. 
2. It's really not any more superficial than going up to someone you think is hot at a bar.
3. No one goes up to anyone at a bar [in Boston] anyway.
4. You can probably confirm through mutual friends that the other person is not a serial killer or a different gender than indicated.*
5. Sometimes you might actually get a relationship out of it.
6. It's free.

While I feel obligated to point these things out, I should also mentioned that I have talked to other people who do use it solely to have sex with strangers and/or boost their self-esteem. So what I'm saying is I wasn't totally wrong before. And that's what's most important.

*According to Catfish, there is a 50% chance the girl you're talking to online is a guy and vice versa.

Tinder

Is it true that everyone is on Tinder except me? Or at least every single person? Or at least every non-committal person? It seems like the perfect app for the Anthony Weiners of the world.

I did some research (because instead of trying online "dating", I read articles about it), and have confirmed that Tinder is as gross as I assumed it would be.

For those of you who are unaware, Tinder is a "dating" app that allows you to find "single" people in your immediate area with whom you can "meet up" (all of those quotations are there for good reason). Essentially, users scroll through profiles and "like or dismiss" people based on their photos, and then they are notified when someone likes them back. I imagine it's similar to picking up the prostitute you think is the most attractive, but less expensive. So romantic!

Hey, it works for some people.

I feel like I'm probably offending a lot of people right now, since "everyone is on Tinder". And good for you, everyone. Do your thang. Get yours. (Someone should.) But only if that's actually what you want because I can only assume that there are two reasons why anyone would ever use Tinder:

1. to get laid
2. because they have low self-esteem

And I only assume that because those are the only reasons why anyone would ever use Tinder. In fact, according to this Huffington Post article, Tinder "works for women" because it gives them an ego boost. And I get it. I get the need for an ego boost in the age of Facebook where everyone is constantly trying to prove that their life is better than yours by way of photos and status updates, in a world where there are literally hundreds of messages aimed at you every day saying you're not young enough, or skinny enough, or smart enough (or too smart). But how is using something as superficial as Tinder helping that? Doesn't it just reaffirm the idea that the way you look is the most valuable (or least, depending) of your attributes?

Come on, ladies, LEAN IN.*

You probably didn't think I was going to get this serious about Tinder. I'm just depressed that this is what "dating" has become (and terrified that I might have to succumb to it one day). Whatever happened to the old fashioned way of getting drunk at a bar? Let's go back to that.

*Probably doesn't apply here, but it felt right.