Things I learned this weekend: A narrative.

I have anxiety coupled with a fear of heights, so flying isn't necessarily my favorite mode of transportation. However, over the years, I have learned that with a little alcohol, I enjoy the experience much more. On Friday, I got to the airport and through security with over an hour to spare, so decided to wait at Boston Beer Works instead of at the gate. When I ordered an IPA, the bartender informed that it is a "strong beer" and made me try it to be sure I liked it. I'm sure this was supposed to be considered good customer service, but I found it pretty condescending. Once I got over it, I relaxed quite a bit, in fact, so much so that I almost missed my flight. I've never been so nonchalant about flying before -- proof that beer is good for the soul.

While flying, I thought about how cool it is to live in 2013. Like, you can watch TV in the air. That is pretty fucking cool, right? Also, clouds are pretty cool. Look:

Science.

There's a chance I was drunk while I had this revelation, but whatever.  I just love technology, you guys (while also having no idea how it works).

The weather in DC this weekend wasn't the best, though somehow my friend and I managed to walk over 10 miles on Saturday in really impractical shoes while also really hungover. Not sure what we were thinking. On Friday night, I reverted back to my 24-year-old self by drinking vodka sodas and aggressively dancing to Lady Gaga. This probably sounds ignorant, but I love watching white people dance, don't you? It's just, like, so uncoordinated and uncomfortable. Also, everyone at this particular bar was either in college or just graduated and therefore DTF, if you know what I mean. So much adolescent grinding.

Overall, my trip to DC was really great: we saw this awesome band play at a holiday market; I ate french fries every day; and I convinced my friends to spend their Sunday in bar watching football and drinking craft beer.

(Note the washtub bass.)

The only downfall was the fact that some teen-aged dick ripped my THROWBACK PATRIOTS HAT THAT IS NO LONGER AVAILABLE ONLINE OR AT THE PATRIOTS PRO SHOP off my head and ran away with it like a little fucking brat. I don't really hate people, but I feel like it's possible I hate that kid. I'm sure his life sucks, so stealing people's shit makes him feel successful in some way, but I will never see that hat again, so really my life is worse.

Obligatory cat photo.

On that note, the Pats game on Sunday was AMAZING. Totally. But I would absolutely hand back that W to get Gronk back.

Very Superstitious

I hate Bud Light. And pretty much all light beers. You can call me a hipster, but I prefer to drink only craft. Whatever. Anyway, despite my distaste (pun intended) for Bud Light, I'm totally loving their superstition commercials lately.

Why? Because I am also a total mental case when it comes to sports. Specifically, football, and specifically the Patriots. I have convinced myself that the only time the Pats do well is when I'm standing in the kitchen  (is that anti-feminist?). So, anytime they are approaching the end zone, I jump up off my couch and run to the kitchen. Just standing on the tile makes a difference. Sometimes, I plan to cook for the duration of the game just to ensure a blowout. I also keep my fingers crossed at all times and put my shirt over my mouth at critical moments. These things have proven to be successful.

This Sunday, I am going to brunch at a fancy hotel to celebrate a friend's birthday and will consequently miss the game (I should be rewarded for this). I'm deeply concerned that if I'm not wearing Pats attire, something bad will happen. But, I'm also not sure a bright red jersey is appropriate for ladies brunch at an elite hotel. What to do? What to do?! I'm actually considering keeping a jersey in my bag just so I have it on hand. Does that count?

What's going to happen, you guys?!

Feliz Navidad

Dunkin' Donuts recently reminded me that my birthday is coming up. Considering how poor I am lately, I'm pretty excited that I'll be getting a free coffee from them sometime this month.

Anyway, since my birthday is just right around the corner, I thought I'd make it simple for you all by compiling a list of things I like and dislike so that you can easily pick out the perfect gift for me! I'm so thoughtful, huh?

Likes:

1. Cats
2. Peanut Butter
3. Books
4. Beaches
5. CHEESE
6. Wine
7. Sangria
8. Football
9. Baseball
10. CHEESE
11. Beer 
12. Music (good kinds)
13. Coffee
14. Men
15. Medieval soft-core porn
16. Food
17. CHEESE
18. Wine

Dislikes:

1. Space
2. Movies
3. Birds
4. Cilantro
5. Celebrities
6. Faneuil Hall
7. Chain restaurants
8. Shitty television shows
9. Country music
10. Zombies
11. Light beer
12. Fake mustaches
13. Pictures of feet in the sand
14. Terrorism
15. This website

You have until June 16th. Or whenever. I'll accept gifts at any time, really.

Run for your lives. Or, drink beer.

Welp, Marathon Monday has come and gone. Thank you to anyone who may have donated to my friend Cory or to any of the marathoners. I know it's tough times in this economy; but like I always say, if you can afford to spend $7 on a shitty beer at the Bell 'n Hand, then you can afford to donate to charity. I literally always say that.

So, this was my first time at the marathon. I don't get Patriot's Day off, so normally I'm working on Marathon Monday. But I'm really glad I took the day off this year, especially since it was approximately 88 degrees. Not so much fun for the runners, but pretty fun for me.

I also made some awesome signs, though one of them was deemed "inappropriate" by my friends, which is total bullshit since I asked them if I could make it and only after coloring in the first word with permanent marker did they say, "Katie, you can't do that!" Clearly, they hadn't been listening to me.

Whatever.

I don't know why everyone is so afraid of the word "fuck." It's a great word. It really spices up your language. And, if you don't know the difference between a noun and an adjective, or what the FUCK an adverb is, then it's the perfect word for you.  "But there were kids at the marathon," you say.  Blah blah blah. You know what? Kids need to grow up.

Anyway, a lot of people were talking about how "inspiring" it was to watch the runners, but I can't say I felt the same. Mostly, I felt like a lazy piece of shit standing on the sidelines drinking beer from a solo cup while thousands of people ran 26 miles in 88 degree weather. I could barely run one mile in that weather. Or really any weather. Let's be real.

Miller Shyte

Let me just start out by saying that, as many of you know, my life-long dream is to be a housewife. I want my husband to make more money than me. I want him to be able to fix shit and carry things. I want to make sure dinner is on the table at 5 and impress people at cocktail parties. And most of all, I don't want to have a job.  That said, Miller Lite commercials are so fucking sexist I want to vomit all over my television every time I see one.

Their entire marketing campaign is based on the idea that Miller Lite is a "manly" beer.  Miller Lite? Really? I don't think so. In my opinion, no light beer is a manly beer. But more importantly, Miller Lite tastes like piss. PISS. If a guy ever buys me a Miller Lite, he can shit any possibility of going home with me right down the damn drain.


But why are you even listening to my opinion? I'm a female and therefore know nothing about beer.  And as Miller will tell you, I don't even care about taste!  In fact, I should really only be drinking this:

www.chickbeer.com

Because I gotta watch my figure, too. And the only way a girl can do that is by drinking absolute shit beer (at only 97 calories!) in a tacky bottle.  But, wait.  If that's the case, then shouldn't Miller Lite really be advertising to me?