8 Things to stop saying to your single friends

Or, "8 things to stop saying to me, specifically'".

Or, "This list probably already exists on Thought Catalog/Buzzfeed/Huffington Post/Another fluff website".

1. Are you seeing anyone? I talk to everyone about everything, so if I meet someone worth talking about, I'll be sure to tell you. This I promise you.

2. You should date my friend/cousin/brother/neighbor's son. Just because two people are single doesn't mean they're right for each other. This philosophy applies to sexualities as well. In other words, don't do this: "Your friend's gay? He should date [this other gay person I know]!"

3. Why don't you like him? He's perfect! What the fuck is perfect? Perfect for me? Perfect for you? Perfect on a resume?

4. He likes you. You should date him!  Unfortunately, that is not a good enough reason for me. See, I have this weird thing where I want to actually like the person I'm dating, too. I know, I know, I should just feel lucky that someone likes me enough to date me, but I guess I'm greedy!

5. Maybe he'll come to my wedding with you! We went on one date, so probably not.

Alternatively:

6. I'm only giving +1s to people in relationships. Oh, okay.

7. Maybe you're dating the wrong sex. Nope, I'm not a lesbian, but thank you for asking. As much as I love the gays, questioning my sexuality is offensive. You are suggesting I don't know who I am or that I'm insecure. Trust me, guys, I love dick! (Sorry mom and dad.)

8. You want a relationship. Not everyone wants the same things. Some people want to get married; some people don't. Some people aren't sure yet. What I think we can all agree on is that no one wants to be told what they want or what to do. After all, this is America. Or whatever.

I do believe that people say these things with the best of intentions, but you have to understand that it causes me, and probably other single people, a lot of anxiety. These questions/comments suggest that a) a person's value is tied to whether or not he/she is in a relationship, and b) there is something wrong with you if you're not in one. My hypochondria coupled with general stress gives me enough to worry about. I don't need the added pressure of feeling inadequate because I'm single. I'm going to be okay, you guys!

Love you, though.

Bringing Slutty Back

"Let's bring slutty back!" That was my grand thesis at the end of the night after my graduation party slash many many (read: too many) shots. You're probably thinking that I was on the way to a one night stand or something, but no. I was on the way home to my cat and a deep dish pizza from Domino's.

Let's break here and talk about this pizza because I cannot even get over. It's possibly the best pizza out there, and I know you're totally judging me for saying that because it's from Domino's, but you need to CHECK YOURSELF and order one right now and experience that CHEESY BLISS.

Okay, back to sluts. My idea is a lot more virtuous than it sounds. Basically, I just want women to be able to hook up with people if they want to hook up with people and not feel guilty about it or be judged for it. Much like men.

Equality, yo.

Now, I've discussed this concept with a couple people and some of them have said that they don't think the double standard exists anymore, but I disagree. In fact, just the other day, my friend told me about how she met a guy, had a great time with him, and hooked up with him on the same night; and her follow up statement was, not surprisingly, "I broke my rule of prudence and am slutty."  Do you think he thinks he's slutty? No! No, he doesn't. And furthermore, no one's slutty in this situation. People are just human in this situation. Sometimes Stella needs to get her groove on. And "rule of prudence" sounds so Victorian, which, despite its literary genre, is not a world I want to live in.  Okay, okay, maybe an arranged marriage would be nice on account of the free housing (the rent is too damn high!), but that comes at the cost of not having any kind of organized plumbing system. Think of the smell! No one wants that.

So, let's embrace 2013 and do our thing. Now, I'm not saying go out there and be gross or anything. Wrap that shit up! But then, after that, get it girl. 

Got it?

How to Be Happy as a Single Lady

This post is for my internet friend turned IRL friend, Katie, who recently broke up with her boyfriend of 6 and a 1/2 years and needs some encouragement. Katie - I have succumbed to Thought Catalog "journalism" for you. You're welcome.

How to Be Happy as a Single Lady

(Or, "Katie Qué's 12-Step Program")

Step 1: Put on Beyonce.

Step 2: Buy a cat.

Step 3: Go home after work, put on sweatpants, eat peanut butter straight out of the jar with your fingers. Get peanut butter all over said sweatpants. Look down at them and say, "IDGAF" because no one is there to look at and/or judge you.

Step 4: Go out. A lot. You're young. Who cares if people think you have a drinking problem? How can drinking ever even be a problem anyway?

Step 5: Whiskey.

Step 6: Make friends with everyone you meet (step 5 helps with this). At least at first. You can determine later whether or not they're actually cool, but in the mean time, acquire as many allies as possible. (Note: you should really focus on acquiring single allies. This is key.)

Step 7: If steps 4 and 6 are not your cup of tea, then live your life on the internet. Actually, even if they are your cup of tea, live your life on the internet. You might find that people like you more there. You might even find that people you have never met have imaginary sex with you. This could make you feel scared OR it could make you feel flattered because imaginary sex is probably the only kind of sex you're having these days. (SRY.)

Step 8: This. (NSFW)

Step 9: Take some classes. Maybe don't go back to grad school when you're working full-time because how would that ever be enjoyable? But maybe take something like improv or yoga or Spanish or this: http://www.marinhumanesociety.org/site/c.aiIOI3NLKgKYF/b.8016311/#.UYP4aaKR-So

Step 10: Read The Handmaid's Tale. Right now. In fact, this should really be Step 1, but I'm too lazy to start over.

Step 11: "Find yourself."

Step 12: And last, but certainly not least:

howsweeteats.com

www.kevinandamanda.com