Are you for real [a feminist]?!

Feminism is all the rage now. Obviously, Beyoncé has had a lot to do with that.

Who run the world?

So do extreme right-wing conservatives, if we're being honest. When people say things like,

“What does it say about the college co-ed Sandra Fluke, who goes before a congressional committee and essentially says that she must be paid to have sex? What does that make her? It makes her a slut, right? It makes her a prostitute. She wants to be paid to have sex. She’s having so much sex she can’t afford the contraception. She wants you and me and the taxpayers to pay her to have sex. What does that make us? We’re the pimps.” [Rush Limbaugh]

and

“If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down." [Todd Akin]

other people are like "... the fuck?" and then they rise up.

But as feminism has become more "popular" so has criticizing feminism. And much of that criticism is coming from other "feminists".  It seems to me that feminism's biggest enemy is actually women. Instead of coming together in the name of equality, we are spending our time determining each other's value as feminists. Let's briefly pause and consider the irony of that.

...

I keep seeing this pop up all over social media -- this debate about who is a real feminist and who is not, and whether feminism is just a trend.  First of all, I'm not even mad about the idea of feminism being a trend. Don't we want more people on board? I'd rather feminism be a trend than jelly shoes (which actually are a trend again... so scratch that).  At least feminism can be a productive trend, is what I'm saying.

It's like, no one can ever be satisfied. We feminists want to take away the negative stigma associated with that word, and then when we finally do, we have to put a new stigma on it?  We're then going to say feminism is trivial, superficial?

"Why should we care what, exactly, gets someone interested in feminist thinking, as long as they arrive there eventually?"  [Callie Beusman]

Then there is the ongoing argument of whether you can be sexual and also a feminist. Again, if we stigmatize something, if we make it taboo, then we are part of the problem. For instance, if we focus on Beyoncé's sexuality alone, we are sexualizing her. We're doing that. 

Recently, notable "good" feminist, bell hooks, blasted Beyoncé for being too sexual, for resorting to taking her clothes off to sell records, blah blah blah.  (She obviously has not listened to Bey's album.)

"hooks was, essentially, calling out Beyoncé as a 'bad feminist' – a popular feminist pastime during which we arbitrarily determine who is or isn't doing feminism right. 

Her concern that girls might singularly internalize the notion that their worth is intrinsically tied to their bodies – and the desirability of those bodies – is equally well placed. At some point, though, we have to differentiate between concern and concern trolling. We have to trust that women can be feminists, good role models and embrace sexuality. We have to believe that we can hold different points of view without labeling each other bad feminists."  [Roxane Gay]

I've already written about this, but I'll say it again:  Beyoncé, in particular, is very clearly in control of her sexuality - she owns it; she is proud of it. And good for her. There are many, many women who believe in gender equality and also like to have sex. If we feel like we have to hide that part of ourselves, aren't we just perpetuating the notion that sex is dirty and wrong and that women shouldn't be doing it?

We need to move on. These conversations are not helpful; they are hypocritical. (And I suppose so is this blog post, but I've already spent a lot of time on it, so it's happening.)

"But the danger, the fear and, quite honestly, the more likely outcome, is that designing a flat shoe or casting a single model of color in a major campaign won't translate to a consistently diverse, female-empowered runway. A few collections inspired by Pussy Riot won't help us to elect a female president. And when fashion treats such important issues as trends, we risk losing the fight when they slip out of vogue." [Allison P Davis]

Or, the danger is that we are spending all our time evaluating women's level of feminism, rather than supporting each other.  The fear, quite honestly, is that people want to be hip and will let that get in the way of a cause when that cause becomes popular.  

But, for the record, I just want to make sure everyone knows I was a feminist before it was cool.

When (Elite) Women Lead

On Monday, I attended a lecture at Harvard entitled: "When Women Lead: Insights and Experience from Women in Power."  As you may have guessed, the audience was predominantly female, which was disappointing to me. Discussions about women and leadership are pretty much worthless if they do not involve men, but whatever. I'm sure all the guys were busy drinking beer and playing sports, or whatever (jokes).

Anyway, the lecture featured a panel of esteemed women, including:

Karen Gordon Mills, Administrator of the U.S. Small Business Administration Harvard University Class of '75 and '77

Jill Abramson, Executive Editor of The New York Times, Harvard University Class of '76

Edith Cooper, Executive Vice President and Global Head of Human Capital Management at Goldman Sachs, Harvard University class of '83

Janet Napolitano, President of University of California, former Secretary of Homeland Security, didn't go to Harvard University, so who cares? (more jokes)

Obviously, this is a group of remarkable women, but do you notice what most of them have in common? Harvard. Harvard affiliates speaking to a room full of Harvard affiliates. What I'm saying is this is an elite group of women. Had there been time, I would have asked the panel: "What would your advice be to women outside the Harvard community?

I don't mean to minimize any of these women's accomplishments - they are indeed impressive and important. And all of them are making strides to empower future women leaders, which is critical if we want to close the gender gap. But I couldn't help but notice and fixate on their elite backgrounds. I confess that I don't know these women's full stories, but I think it is fair to assume they were pretty fortunate, or at least lucky. Abramsom talked about spending her summers on Nantucket, where she was introduced to a family friend who worked for Time Magazine; this event spurred her career in journalism. Even Napolitano, who was the minority of the group as she never attended Harvard, admitted to having the financial means to be able to take risks.

This idea of wealth or privilege comes up a lot when we talk about Sheryl Sandberg and her Lean In campaign. That is to say, it's hard to imagine the average woman leaning in -- the single mom paying for daycare, the recent graduate with $60k in debt, women in public service making approximately 0 dollars, etc. Leaning in is not necessarily a possibility for everyone. It's like when we (and by we, I mean never me) tell people to pick themselves up by their bootstraps - some bitches don't have boots to begin with.

So, I guess the takeaway for me, though it wasn't even discussed, was that gender issues, like every issue I suppose, are deeply socioeconomic issues. I mean, duh. Women still get paid less than men, blah blah blah. Ultimately, closing the gender gap requires investing (financially) in women. You can only lean in so far when you're poor, nah mean?

For the record, my follow-up question would have been: "How do ya'll feel about Beyonce?"

Growing Up (Is Hard to Do)

After weeks of unsuccessfully searching for a roommate (I was basically going on dates with women from Craigslist every night for the past month), I've decided to get a place on my own. I found an adorable little studio in a (very different part of town), and fell in love with the idea of living alone. For the first time in about four years, Boo and I are going to live above ground. I can (continue to) leave dishes in the sink for over 24 hours and also not wear clothes whenever I want. (My roommate and I are very comfortable with each other, apparently.) I'm pumped.

But, before I finally decided to take the studio, I did some serious thinking about how my life would change. And, after making a budget and list of pros and cons, I realized that the thing I was most anxious about was having to leave my gym. In fact, the thought of it made me literally cry. And then it hit me -- to date, my longest and most successful relationship has been that with Healthworks.

And by working out, I mean laying on a mat looking at the ceiling.

If you told me when I was younger that my biggest anxiety would be leaving a gym, I would have said, "Bitch, you cray." (I probably wouldn't have said that because I don't think 'cray' was a slang term back then). But fitness has become such a huge part of my life. Not that I'm super athletic or anything (I duck when balls come toward me*), but exercise is part of my daily routine. It makes me feel so good. And Healthworks is the most incredible place to do it.

I joined Healthworks about four years ago at the height of my dieting craze -- that time when I was eating 60 calorie lunches and having serious panic attacks when a friend would ask me to go out to dinner at a restaurant that had nothing "healthy" on the menu. I've come a long way since then. I can honestly say I've never been happier with myself or my body, which is pretty cool.

)

Ultimately, I realized my relationship with food and my body wasn't healthy and, more importantly, it was interfering with my life. I didn't want to be afraid of food anymore. Or afraid of socializing. I remember being at a Bruins game, freezing my tits off, and my friend suggesting we get some hot chocolate to warm up. All I could think about was how many calories would be in that cup. This was an enlightening moment. I looked at my friend and said, "I don't want to live in a world where I'm not allowed to have a fucking hot chocolate."  Of course, I was the only one not allowing myself hot chocolate. So I made a conscious decision to change.  And though I wouldn't say Healthworks caused this positive change, it definitely supported it.

Healthworks has a great environment -  "Girl Power" is written all over the walls, basically. And yes, it's totally expensive, but the equipment, and the towels, and the whirlpool, and the free tampons make it worthwhile. (Note: I have not bought tampons in 4 years. Don't tell anyone I said that.) This is starting to sound like an ad. The point is, I feel comfortable there. It's a place I actually enjoy going to every day. It's a place that taught me to focus on fitness over just burning calories. I can't bear the thought of leaving it for some POS gym that bribes you with free pizza on Tuesdays (which actually makes people feel worse about themselves, by the way).

So, I'm not going to. I decided I'm going to try to make a long distance relationship work, even if it's inconvenient and expensive. Because that is what love is about, you guys - sacrifice! Or something. I'm really growing up right now.

On that note, deciding to live in a studio was the biggest, most adult decision I've ever made on my own. I kept telling the realtor he was watching me "become a woman". He told me I would need to provide my new management company with a picture of my cat, and I nearly shouted, "Oh, don't worry, I have hundreds of them!" Dude must have been like, "This chick in the cat shirt with the cat pictures moving into a studio is doomed."

Seriously, though, dying alone.

*puns!

Idolatry

When people say women aren't funny, I assume they have no sense of humor. Or are just assholes. They're also probably the kind of people who think they're hilarious because they can quote a Will Ferrell movie. I mean he's funny, but that doesn't make you funny, you know?

The other night, I was watching VH1's Women of SNL special, which I've seen no less than 10 times and never get bored of. I mean, the ladies kind of own that show, am I right? So amazing. I want to be like them, as well as many other female comedians who are just brilliant in every sense of the word.

These are my heroes:

Tina Fey - Duh. But, for the record, we have a lot more in common than our glasses.

Kristen Wiig - I wish I could make my face look like yours, especially when you're doing this:

Amy Poehler - Because she reps girl power 24/7.

Sheri Oteri - WHERE ARE YOU  NOW?!  This is possibly my favorite SNL sketch of all time:

Non SNL heroes:

Megan Amram - Probably my favorite thing to come out of Harvard (and onto Twitter):

Mindy Kaling - We have the same body type, and according to your television show, men are attracted to it.

And last but not least, the one and only...

Sarah Silverman - Technically, she was a writer for SNL, but her skits never got chosen. Whatever, Sarah, I think you're perfect in every way:

Thank you for inspiring me always.

Bringing Slutty Back

"Let's bring slutty back!" That was my grand thesis at the end of the night after my graduation party slash many many (read: too many) shots. You're probably thinking that I was on the way to a one night stand or something, but no. I was on the way home to my cat and a deep dish pizza from Domino's.

Let's break here and talk about this pizza because I cannot even get over. It's possibly the best pizza out there, and I know you're totally judging me for saying that because it's from Domino's, but you need to CHECK YOURSELF and order one right now and experience that CHEESY BLISS.

Okay, back to sluts. My idea is a lot more virtuous than it sounds. Basically, I just want women to be able to hook up with people if they want to hook up with people and not feel guilty about it or be judged for it. Much like men.

Equality, yo.

Now, I've discussed this concept with a couple people and some of them have said that they don't think the double standard exists anymore, but I disagree. In fact, just the other day, my friend told me about how she met a guy, had a great time with him, and hooked up with him on the same night; and her follow up statement was, not surprisingly, "I broke my rule of prudence and am slutty."  Do you think he thinks he's slutty? No! No, he doesn't. And furthermore, no one's slutty in this situation. People are just human in this situation. Sometimes Stella needs to get her groove on. And "rule of prudence" sounds so Victorian, which, despite its literary genre, is not a world I want to live in.  Okay, okay, maybe an arranged marriage would be nice on account of the free housing (the rent is too damn high!), but that comes at the cost of not having any kind of organized plumbing system. Think of the smell! No one wants that.

So, let's embrace 2013 and do our thing. Now, I'm not saying go out there and be gross or anything. Wrap that shit up! But then, after that, get it girl. 

Got it?

How to Be Happy as a Single Lady

This post is for my internet friend turned IRL friend, Katie, who recently broke up with her boyfriend of 6 and a 1/2 years and needs some encouragement. Katie - I have succumbed to Thought Catalog "journalism" for you. You're welcome.

How to Be Happy as a Single Lady

(Or, "Katie Qué's 12-Step Program")

Step 1: Put on Beyonce.

Step 2: Buy a cat.

Step 3: Go home after work, put on sweatpants, eat peanut butter straight out of the jar with your fingers. Get peanut butter all over said sweatpants. Look down at them and say, "IDGAF" because no one is there to look at and/or judge you.

Step 4: Go out. A lot. You're young. Who cares if people think you have a drinking problem? How can drinking ever even be a problem anyway?

Step 5: Whiskey.

Step 6: Make friends with everyone you meet (step 5 helps with this). At least at first. You can determine later whether or not they're actually cool, but in the mean time, acquire as many allies as possible. (Note: you should really focus on acquiring single allies. This is key.)

Step 7: If steps 4 and 6 are not your cup of tea, then live your life on the internet. Actually, even if they are your cup of tea, live your life on the internet. You might find that people like you more there. You might even find that people you have never met have imaginary sex with you. This could make you feel scared OR it could make you feel flattered because imaginary sex is probably the only kind of sex you're having these days. (SRY.)

Step 8: This. (NSFW)

Step 9: Take some classes. Maybe don't go back to grad school when you're working full-time because how would that ever be enjoyable? But maybe take something like improv or yoga or Spanish or this: http://www.marinhumanesociety.org/site/c.aiIOI3NLKgKYF/b.8016311/#.UYP4aaKR-So

Step 10: Read The Handmaid's Tale. Right now. In fact, this should really be Step 1, but I'm too lazy to start over.

Step 11: "Find yourself."

Step 12: And last, but certainly not least:

howsweeteats.com

www.kevinandamanda.com

Girls.

A lot of people have recommended that I start watching "Girls," so last night I did. I'm sorry to report back  that I do not like it. In fact, I think it's downright awful. Every character on that show is an idiot. Every single one.

Young privileged white girls.

The most upsetting thing about this show is that some of the people who recommended it to me said they did so because the show reminded them of me. After watching it, I now find that insulting. I don't ever want to be compared to any of the characters in that show.

For those of you who don't know me, and who perhaps watch the show, let me make something clear: I am not a spoiled brat who's "struggling" because her parents are no longer willing to finance her dream life in NYC, nor do I sleep with shitty guys because I have low self-esteem. The only thing I have in common with anyone in that show is that I like to write. You know who else liked to write? Carrie Bradshaw. She, too, was a total idiot who slept with total idiots and then "couldn't help but wonder" about her shallow life. That made for a very successful HBO series, and I'm sure the plot-line of "Girls" will, too.

Older privileged white girls.

Now, if you like the show, that's great.  Just because I hate it doesn't mean I expect that everyone else should, too. You might hate the things I watch. You might think I'm a total asshole for spending hours watching sports and then crying about them. That seems fair.  All I ask is that you don't think of me when you watch "Girls."  Thank you.

No Boys Allowed

I go to an all women's gym, and I love it, I really do (insert lesbian joke here; you know you want to). It has everything -- brand new equipment, a sauna, free tampons, the works! It really is worth the astronomical price I pay each month to go there. 


The only thing is that the women there are always naked in the locker room. Always naked. Shamelessly naked. All the time. Now, don't get all excited, boys. These women are generally old and/or saggy and/or hairy -- not your fantasy. And, oddly enough, not mine either. 


Don't get me wrong, I don't really care about seeing naked people or being naked myself. In fact, it takes way too much effort to try to undress/dress discretely than it does to just get naked in the locker room. I get it. And I do it too. But what I don't understand is the lingering nakedness that is rampant at my gym. Like, why do you have to take off all of your clothes on one side of the locker room to walk all the way to the other side of the locker room naked just to weigh yourself naked? Why? You could wear your underwear. They amount to about 2 ounces; you can just subtract that shit off of your weight if you're that worried about it. Or, you could weigh yourself at home, in all your naked glory, alone in your bathroom. There's some shit I don't want to see, and it's most likely yours. 

Look how happy she is weighing herself with clothes on.

I've also had to witness women literally blow drying their bush in the vanity area. There I am, just trying to put on my make up while fully-clothed, and I have to stand next to this travesty. It's disconcerting, to say the least. 

Basically, many of the women at my gym seem to forget that the locker room is not their personal bathroom and that they have to share the space with others. They flail their naked bodies all about. They spread their shit EVERYWHERE so that you can't possibly use the bench to do things like sit. They're just rude, plain and simple. The other day, some bitch yelled at me for using perfume because it's quote, "not allowed." First of all, I didn't even use perfume; and, second of all, if I can't use perfume in the locker room then you can't blow dry your pubes there either. I think that's only fair.