Weight Problems

The other day, my friend Cory told me that he is trying to gain weight. I just want you to stop and imagine my reaction to that, okay? It was a combination of horror, resentment, rage, envy, and a little bit of friendliness because I do really like Cory.

What it must be like to be a boy, though. Trying to gain weight. I told him if he needs any advice on how to do that to come to me since I'm pretty much a sage in that field. I mean, I can gain three pounds in one weekend. Fact. And, like, that's not even a challenge, so.

But I guess Cory wants to gain lean muscle mass or something like that, and I mostly specialize in cellulite, so perhaps I'm not the right person to consult.