Drunk GOT

If Drunk History ever decides to do a Game of Thrones spinoff, I hope they'll call me.

Things I learned this weekend

1. The reggae station on XMradio is named "The Joint", obviously.

Stereotypes in stereo.

2. I am not very good at packing. I basically just throw everything into trash bags and call it a day.
3. My dad is my hero. His ability to park a U-Haul is truly amazing.

4. You should put down your beer before you try to carry boxes up a flight of stairs, duh.
5. You should probably just wait til you're done moving before you open a beer.
6. Boo basically hates his life and has already tried to run away once.

Mis.

7. I haven't eaten a vegetable in, like, 10 days.
8. My apartment was built for giants and/or average-sized people. I have to stand on a ladder to use my microwave.
9. I may or may not have had to climb into a construction site to use the port-a-potty. I legitimately need one of these:

10. I'm too emotional to talk about last night's Game of Thrones, so all I'll say is that this is my favorite quote of the season so far:

"Size doesn't matter when you're flat on your back." 

I wish you would have called me.

WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEKEND?

Things I learned this weekend

1. It's actually someone's job to sedate butterflies and put them in envelopes.

2. Men should be subjected to wedding showers, too.
3. I never thought I liked pepperoni before Friday night.
4. Whenever I have poutine, I imagine eating it with Drake.

5. You probably shouldn't shout, "Just live your fucking life!" out a window at the precise moment the oldest women on earth are walking by.
6. The Keytar Bear is back!

7. I will carry a nightstand for a mile so I don't have to pay full-price for a new one.

8. Daenerys knows what's up.
9. But, seriously, bring back the old Daario!

YES / NO.

10. I just want to go into a completely empty room and dance like a maniac to this song:

Link up!

Thing I learned this weekend

1. One way to feel really young and hip is to go to the grocery store on Friday night for a Lean Cuisine and cat food.

Are they talking about the container itself or the people who eat from it?

2. It's a beautiful, beautiful thing when you can hang out with someone you haven't seen in 10 years and feel like nothing's changed.
3. Brazilian waxes are so out. Diamond cuts are forever.

4. This is a trend I was unaware of:

Cowboy hat, cowboy boots, RACOON TAIL.

5. I might be giving up on the bartender as I cannot keep up with his many suitors. Last time I was there, a man left him his number.  Not only do I have to compete with beautiful women, I have to compete with the gays, too. It's impossible!
6. Mint.com has notified me that I also cannot afford to woo a bartender, so.

Over-priced.

7. I guess I'll just have to go back to meeting men on the internet. (Call me!)
8. Speaking of men on the internet, where can I get an Oberyn?

Seriously though, call me.

9. Did anyone else start screaming during the dragon scene last night?
10. Boo didn't do shit for me on Mother's Day.

SELFISH.

Link up!

Things I learned this weekend

1. It's always great to get out of the city and appreciate nature sometimes, especially if that nature is outside of a 4 bedroom house equipped with surround sound and a wine fridge.

Lake George, NY

2. In college, girls demonstrate friendship by cleaning up after you when you throw up.

Friends by choice.

3. I made a bomb playlist during our road trip to Lake George this weekend. I definitely should have been a DJ.

4. If you take Mariah's vocals out of this song, it's mostly just Puff Daddy making random comments and giggling.

5. And then ODB introduces himself. #RIP

6. Taco Bell really stops serving breakfast at 11 am, so don't show up at 11:06. 

7. If you say your name is "Tricky" on Tinder, you can expect this from me:

8. The opposite of a dick pic is a "snatchsnap". 

9. If you're going to say something (allegedly) brilliant on Twitter, you should spell-check it first.

10. On that note, this is the most important thing that has ever happened to me.

P.S. Today marks my first Things I Learned This Weekend linkup. I'm still new to this whole linkup concept, so I'm not even quite sure what it means or what to do, but if you want to recap your weekend bullet-point style, then follow my lead and also use this fancy image created for me by my new blog friend, Jessi. (Thanks, girl!)

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Fantasizing about fantasy.

I'm getting really, really excited about Game of Thrones coming back. Like football, it is something I think about all the time, regardless of the season. Some people might find that nerdy but they're just jealous that they don't have the imaginative capability of fantasizing about dragons all day long.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS TRAILER?

It's literally arousing. Like, I lose my breath when I watch it. LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT DRAGON, THOUGH.

However, one thing that is severely lacking in all of the previews for the 4th season is direwolves. I've spent an ample amount of time trying to decide if I would rather have a direwolf or a dragon (really, though, too much time), and have yet to come to a conclusion. I do think, overall, a direwolf would be a better, more loyal pet. I just wish they were more magical. You can see how the decision is a hard one. The point is they occupy my thoughts almost as much as dragons.

One time I was on a date - a first date! - at The Met in New York City, and we went into the medieval section (which was obviously my favorite part of the museum, especially given my stance on art). I spotted some armor clearly designed for an animal and said, probably too loudly,  "Oh my god, was this for a direwolf?!" And then my date was all like, "Um, I think it was for a horse..." Because, right.

You guys can guess the status of that relationship.

Anyway, in my defense, direwolves were a real animal, ok? It's just that knights didn't ride them into battle, apparently. And that, in my opinion, is just a really disappointing part of human history, so whatever.

BOOM.

Cinderella

I watched Cinderella the other night. I have to be honest, I don't think I had ever seen the whole thing. As you know, when I was a child, I much preferred Alice in Wonderland because it was about a little girl wandering alone in the woods; I could identify with that. Also cats:

Anyway, I'm still not impressed by Cinderella. I mean, the story-line is pretty lame: a girl who LOVES cleaning magically gets turned into a princess? It sounds like a Lysol commercial to me.  And also who wouldn't love cleaning if you had little slave animals to do most of the work. Again, Boo, what are you doing with your life?

GET A JOB.

But what bothers me more than the plot is the glass slipper. First of all, how impractical? Especially since the fairy godmother had to have known Cinderella would be running to beat the clock. Pretty bitchy, I'd say. One wrong move and that shit shatters. I'd love to see a version where Cinderella is limping back to her pumpkin with a bloody foot.

Also, wasn't everything supposed to turn back to normal at midnight? How did that one glass slipper avoid the spell? Listen, I know a lot about magic and that couldn't possibly have happened.

I guess I just prefer more realistic stories. You know, ones with dragons and people who become direwolves.

We need to talk about Robb.

I have to talk to you about Robb Stark, and you're probably not going to like what I have to say. I liked Robb up until the point he married that chick and then I thought he was a selfish idiot. There is no time for love in this system. Who marries for love?! No one. Women are sold off left and right and then hand-delivered by a gaggle of drunk men to a bedroom to be statutorily and/or "legitimately" raped by their new husband, and you CHEER THEM ON. I saw you. You clapped. Yet, you had the audacity to break promises and put your entire family (and war effort) in jeopardy to marry a hot girl. I know that in the book you're like technically 15 or something, so I get that you had "feelings" or whatever, but come on dude. When you're 15 you should also probably still listen to your mom, which you didn't, and look what happened, Robb. LOOK WHAT HAPPENED. 

Then again, I love me a tragic hero, so thanks for filling that role. However, one day, I'd like to see the Starks shed some of their honor and fuck shit up.  I'm looking at you, Arya.

[Book readers: Please don't tell me anything. Thank you.]

Things I learned this weekend: Volume 5 or 8

1. I think I put more work into surviving an 11-hour graduation in 94 degree heat than I did actually earning my degree.
2. Oprah didn't give me a car or a unicorn or anything!
3. The best speech of the day was this one:

4. I should never take shots. No one should ever take shots. Shots should be outlawed.
5. Twice (twice!) a bar tender refused to take a cat sticker from me. Kind of rude, but whatever.
6. Tina Fey's book is much better than Mindy Kaling's. Mindy's is basically a disappointing collection of lists. It's also exactly like what my book would be if I were to ever write one.

(I still love her, though.)

7.  I can't remember the last time I went to a bar and did not have a discussion about dragons vs. direwolves with someone.
8. Speaking of direwolves, Game of Thrones ruined my life last night, so.
9. LITERALLY ANYONE CAN BE KILLED.
10. But on the bright side, even considering the number of times I've been ditched by a guy, at least I'm not as big of a loser as Ygritte, right? Girl was dissed and dismissed.

The Dragons!

I am so high on dragons right now, you guys.

The season finale of Game of Thrones was off the chain (both literally and figuratively). It roused so many emotions, mostly elation -- the dragons!!!!!!!

In case you missed it, here's a recap:

• Khaleesi is the messiah.
• Jon Snow has balls again.
• Arya is totally going to fuck shit up next season.
• Zombies.

Also, I need to teach Boo how to breathe fire so we can take over Qarth and then THE WORLD.

DRACARYS!

Sorry if this post doesn't make any sense to you, but if don't watch this show, you are a fool.

A FOOL!

Craft Knight

Last night, I was pretending to knight Boo (obviously), when I thought to myself: He needs a crown.  Not only does he need a crown, he needs one right now. He needed one yesterday. He is so regal.

Knighting my cat with a Minnie Mouse bubble wand.
I'm 25.

Meredith and I looked at each other, and I said, "Well, I did just buy a new roll of tinfoil." Immediately, we both got up off the couch and rushed to the kitchen to begin craft night. The rest is self-explanatory:

Absolutely ridiculous.

Meredith: "I think Boo is embarrassed now."

Me: "Why?"

Meredith: "Because he's sitting with his head down, looking all serious."

Me: "Maybe he's just taking his new position seriously." 

Sir Boobis.

My only regret is not making him full body armor. Thankfully, there's still time.  

Speaking of time, in case you missed it, read yesterday's post about how I don't have time to date. I wrote it shortly before knighting my cat.

Missing Mojo

Sorry for the severe lack in posts lately. Grad school has taken over the better part of my life. Lately, if I'm not at work or school (which happens to be the same place), I want to be in my pajamas, on my couch, very very close to a bottle of wine. This is concerning to me, because even when I have the option to go out, even on a date, I'm not interested.

Did you read what I just said? The person who worries and complains about being single on an almost daily basis is currently not even interested in dating. What is happening to me? Am I going to shrivel up and die alone with my cat? Probably not. More than likely I will eat my way into morbid obesity and end up like Gilbert Grape (with a cat). Still dead and alone, but mainly bloated. Because, even though I'm bogged down with homework and have little-to-no energy, I still manage to find the time to make things like this:

I didn't even use Instagram.

Those were delicious, by the way.  But let's get back to the main issue here: I have lost my mojo. I think. I'm actually not sure if I ever had a mojo. I don't really even know what that is. It sounds like an expensive drink from Starbucks.

MAGICAL CHARM BAG.

Anyway, if I don't get whatever I lost back, shadows will come out of my vagina like that sorceress chick in Game of Thrones last night.


Editor's Note: My friend pointed out to me that Gilbert Grape's mom was the obese person stuck in the house, not Gilbert Grape. Sorry to all you huge Gilbert Grape fans out there.

Anyone can be killed.

Season 2 of Game of Thrones* starts on Sunday. I cannot wait. I've had it written on my calendar for months. I also set a reminder in my phone, as if I would forget.

Kind of like this reminder.

In case you don't remember why I like it, it's because it's medieval soft-core porn with bad-ass wolves and massive bloodshed. Also, dragons. 

Get excited.


In Spain, I toured this old medieval* city and felt like I was in Winterfell. I made that pretty clear to everyone around me: "This looks like Game of Thrones." "I feel like I'm in Game of Thrones." "You guys, Game of Thrones."

Unfortunately, I didn't see any midgets in armor, nor did I hear any rumors of incest or bastard children. But, that's probably only because I don't understand Spanish. 




*Side note: In 10th grade, I used "thrown" as a noun in one of my papers. This is something I'm still ashamed of.
*Side note #2: However, can we all agree the "medieval" is terribly difficult to spell? Even now, at age 25? Please say yes. 

Winter Is Coming

Since I started watching Game of Thrones, it has consumed 75% of my thoughts. I dream about it nightly. It's one of the three shows I've ever cared about (also including Arrested Development and Always Sunny, which has significantly declined over the past two years). If you don't watch it, let me sum it up for you: It's medieval soft-core porn with bad-ass wolves and massive bloodshed. Also, dragons. This shit is off the chain and I can't even handle it.


I've also developed an inappropriate crush on her:

Now, I know I'm constantly worrying people think I'm a lesbian because I wear glasses, so I probably shouldn't be publicly proclaiming my attraction to a woman, but she fucking births dragons, okay?


Also, when I say I worry people think I'm a lesbian, that's not because I'm a homophobe -- I know there was some confusion about that with my last blog. I love the gays. I'm all about the gays. My own cat is gay:

I'm just hoping that one day a man will be attracted to me enough to marry me and make me his housewife so that I can  bake all day and also not have a job.