Things I learned this weekend

1. I've become a person who enjoys eating raw meat.

2. I went to 3 Little Figs on Saturday and got the lemon donut muffin. DONUT MUFFIN. I gasped and possibly started crying when I cracked it open and discovered the lemon creme inside.

3. Some of my friends hosted a Bedroom Kandi party on Saturday night. This happened:

4. The party concluded with all of us whipping and flogging each other. 

5. You might think putting Hello Kitty tattoos all over your body is a good idea until you have to go to work the next day.

6. I finally tried Tasty Burger. It made me question my feelings for Shake Shack. I'm still worried about it.

7. My years of sorority life had no impact on my beer pong skills.

8. I desperately need someone to help me organize my life.

9.  Please note the amount of cat treats I have in my possession. 

10. I now believe I have already met everyone I pass on the street because of Tinder.

8 Things to stop saying to your single friends

Or, "8 things to stop saying to me, specifically'".

Or, "This list probably already exists on Thought Catalog/Buzzfeed/Huffington Post/Another fluff website".

1. Are you seeing anyone? I talk to everyone about everything, so if I meet someone worth talking about, I'll be sure to tell you. This I promise you.

2. You should date my friend/cousin/brother/neighbor's son. Just because two people are single doesn't mean they're right for each other. This philosophy applies to sexualities as well. In other words, don't do this: "Your friend's gay? He should date [this other gay person I know]!"

3. Why don't you like him? He's perfect! What the fuck is perfect? Perfect for me? Perfect for you? Perfect on a resume?

4. He likes you. You should date him!  Unfortunately, that is not a good enough reason for me. See, I have this weird thing where I want to actually like the person I'm dating, too. I know, I know, I should just feel lucky that someone likes me enough to date me, but I guess I'm greedy!

5. Maybe he'll come to my wedding with you! We went on one date, so probably not.

Alternatively:

6. I'm only giving +1s to people in relationships. Oh, okay.

7. Maybe you're dating the wrong sex. Nope, I'm not a lesbian, but thank you for asking. As much as I love the gays, questioning my sexuality is offensive. You are suggesting I don't know who I am or that I'm insecure. Trust me, guys, I love dick! (Sorry mom and dad.)

8. You want a relationship. Not everyone wants the same things. Some people want to get married; some people don't. Some people aren't sure yet. What I think we can all agree on is that no one wants to be told what they want or what to do. After all, this is America. Or whatever.

I do believe that people say these things with the best of intentions, but you have to understand that it causes me, and probably other single people, a lot of anxiety. These questions/comments suggest that a) a person's value is tied to whether or not he/she is in a relationship, and b) there is something wrong with you if you're not in one. My hypochondria coupled with general stress gives me enough to worry about. I don't need the added pressure of feeling inadequate because I'm single. I'm going to be okay, you guys!

Love you, though.

Things I learned this weekend

In an effort to be frugal and healthy, I had some friends over for dinner instead of going out on Friday. First of all, I definitely spent as much on groceries as I would have going out to dinner, so what the fuck? Second of all, this happened:

RIP.

That would be the top to my Martha Stewart Collection pot set. Another item lost/broken during my crusade to save money. I'm doing a great job!

Regardless, it was wonderful to spend some quality time with my friends in my "dining room" where we could actually hear each other talk. We recognized that, not so long ago, we would have been putting on heels to go out and drink ridiculously overpriced vodka sodas, or something equally mediocre, and now we look forward to exercising and going to bed at a reasonable hour on Fridays. Don't worry, though, I still overindulged on $3 Trader Joe's wine, which is seriously life-changing, if you didn't already know, which I'm sure you did.

I spent Saturday morning in bed thinking about going to the gym but mostly swiping left on Tinder. That's right, you guys, I have Tinder now! After literal months of trying to update my phone for the sole purpose of downloading the app, I finally succeeded on Friday.

Fitbit, Domino's, Tinder

I will say that Tinder has already taken over my life, and I love it. I plan on blogging about my Tinder experiences very soon, though I have been told that is cliche. I'm going to do it anyway.

Saturday afternoon, I showed my new-to-Boston friend how to use public transportation. As you may already know, I'm a huge fan (read: the only fan) of the MBTA, so I was thrilled to share my expert advice on things like how to avoid the B-Line or run after the bus that just passed you without stopping. I am a phenomenal teacher. I also got to play with his dog who is truly stunning:

I told him that I'm already having fantasies about his dog and my cat having their own instagram account. Keep your fingers crossed.

On Saturday night, I saw Lady Lamb and the Beekeeper for the second time this year. If you've been reading my blog and/or following me on Spotify over the past year, you already know that I am pretty much in love with her. So, of course, I went up to her after her set and said, "I haven't felt this way about someone since Fiona Apple." And I wonder why people think I'm gay.

On my way home, I tripped and fell on my face in the middle of the street, resulting in a bloody arm and shattered iPhone. So, just in case you haven't been paying attention, within 24 hours of updating my phone, which I had been trying to do for MONTHS, I break it. This is the way I live.

Wednesday Confessions

I'm jumping on board a blogger bandwagon and confessing some secrets to you on this Wednesday:

1. For the past three months, I've been desperately trying to save money. In that time, I've:

• forgotten to pay two bills because I accidentally deleted my inbox
• lost a $150 coat
• thrown away too much produce
• failed, basically

2. I've spent literal hours trying to fix my computer so that I can update iTunes so that I can update my iPhone so that I can download Tinder.
3. I need Tinder.
4. More importantly, I need this dog more than I've ever needed anything:

I cannot live when I look at this picture.

5. I've read almost an entire book... at work.
6. The bliss that resulted from months of not weighing myself was destroyed in 20 seconds at the doctor's today.
7. I am so bored with Boston, but I feel trapped here.
8. However, I'm hoping that moving into my own apartment will inspire lots of positive change and maybe scare motivate me back into dating.
9. Speaking of dating, I think He's Just Not That Into You is filled with valuable lessons for both women and men.
10. I do not support the proliferation of the word "humpday".

Fantasizing about fantasy.

I'm getting really, really excited about Game of Thrones coming back. Like football, it is something I think about all the time, regardless of the season. Some people might find that nerdy but they're just jealous that they don't have the imaginative capability of fantasizing about dragons all day long.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS TRAILER?

It's literally arousing. Like, I lose my breath when I watch it. LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT DRAGON, THOUGH.

However, one thing that is severely lacking in all of the previews for the 4th season is direwolves. I've spent an ample amount of time trying to decide if I would rather have a direwolf or a dragon (really, though, too much time), and have yet to come to a conclusion. I do think, overall, a direwolf would be a better, more loyal pet. I just wish they were more magical. You can see how the decision is a hard one. The point is they occupy my thoughts almost as much as dragons.

One time I was on a date - a first date! - at The Met in New York City, and we went into the medieval section (which was obviously my favorite part of the museum, especially given my stance on art). I spotted some armor clearly designed for an animal and said, probably too loudly,  "Oh my god, was this for a direwolf?!" And then my date was all like, "Um, I think it was for a horse..." Because, right.

You guys can guess the status of that relationship.

Anyway, in my defense, direwolves were a real animal, ok? It's just that knights didn't ride them into battle, apparently. And that, in my opinion, is just a really disappointing part of human history, so whatever.

BOOM.

Things I learned this weekend

1. I talk a lot of shit about chain restaurants, but I look forward to my annual trip to Chili's more than probably any holiday.
2. I spent Saturday night watching really talented teenagers dance.

3. My new role model is a 16-year-old hip-hop dancer. How do I go back in time and become that?
4. One of the best things about my new apartment is its proximity to a Trader Joe's. Have you guys seen this:

Sex.

5. Seriously though, I will eat anything that has peanut butter on it.

PB + MEAT.

6. Radiant Orchid is the color of the year.

RADIANT.

7. Flip cup begins at 10 am on St. Patrick's Day.
8. I think I might be too old for this kind of behavior.
9. People have to literally kneel to be at my height.

10. Boston is so WHITE. (I've always known this but St. Patrick's Day is a stark reminder.)

Growing Up (Is Hard to Do)

After weeks of unsuccessfully searching for a roommate (I was basically going on dates with women from Craigslist every night for the past month), I've decided to get a place on my own. I found an adorable little studio in a (very different part of town), and fell in love with the idea of living alone. For the first time in about four years, Boo and I are going to live above ground. I can (continue to) leave dishes in the sink for over 24 hours and also not wear clothes whenever I want. (My roommate and I are very comfortable with each other, apparently.) I'm pumped.

But, before I finally decided to take the studio, I did some serious thinking about how my life would change. And, after making a budget and list of pros and cons, I realized that the thing I was most anxious about was having to leave my gym. In fact, the thought of it made me literally cry. And then it hit me -- to date, my longest and most successful relationship has been that with Healthworks.

And by working out, I mean laying on a mat looking at the ceiling.

If you told me when I was younger that my biggest anxiety would be leaving a gym, I would have said, "Bitch, you cray." (I probably wouldn't have said that because I don't think 'cray' was a slang term back then). But fitness has become such a huge part of my life. Not that I'm super athletic or anything (I duck when balls come toward me*), but exercise is part of my daily routine. It makes me feel so good. And Healthworks is the most incredible place to do it.

I joined Healthworks about four years ago at the height of my dieting craze -- that time when I was eating 60 calorie lunches and having serious panic attacks when a friend would ask me to go out to dinner at a restaurant that had nothing "healthy" on the menu. I've come a long way since then. I can honestly say I've never been happier with myself or my body, which is pretty cool.

)

Ultimately, I realized my relationship with food and my body wasn't healthy and, more importantly, it was interfering with my life. I didn't want to be afraid of food anymore. Or afraid of socializing. I remember being at a Bruins game, freezing my tits off, and my friend suggesting we get some hot chocolate to warm up. All I could think about was how many calories would be in that cup. This was an enlightening moment. I looked at my friend and said, "I don't want to live in a world where I'm not allowed to have a fucking hot chocolate."  Of course, I was the only one not allowing myself hot chocolate. So I made a conscious decision to change.  And though I wouldn't say Healthworks caused this positive change, it definitely supported it.

Healthworks has a great environment -  "Girl Power" is written all over the walls, basically. And yes, it's totally expensive, but the equipment, and the towels, and the whirlpool, and the free tampons make it worthwhile. (Note: I have not bought tampons in 4 years. Don't tell anyone I said that.) This is starting to sound like an ad. The point is, I feel comfortable there. It's a place I actually enjoy going to every day. It's a place that taught me to focus on fitness over just burning calories. I can't bear the thought of leaving it for some POS gym that bribes you with free pizza on Tuesdays (which actually makes people feel worse about themselves, by the way).

So, I'm not going to. I decided I'm going to try to make a long distance relationship work, even if it's inconvenient and expensive. Because that is what love is about, you guys - sacrifice! Or something. I'm really growing up right now.

On that note, deciding to live in a studio was the biggest, most adult decision I've ever made on my own. I kept telling the realtor he was watching me "become a woman". He told me I would need to provide my new management company with a picture of my cat, and I nearly shouted, "Oh, don't worry, I have hundreds of them!" Dude must have been like, "This chick in the cat shirt with the cat pictures moving into a studio is doomed."

Seriously, though, dying alone.

*puns!

Resolutions Update

This year, I decided to challenge myself to 12 new year's resolutions instead of just one. Here's an update on how they're going:

1. Buy fresh foods. & 2. Cook said foods. I'm actually doing both of these things! For the past 5 weeks, I've cooked a bunch of stuff on Sundays to bring for lunch every day like a grown up. I feel nourished and yet frugal because I've mostly been eating lentils. They're like $1, you guys. Legumes 4-L. 

3. Make my own damn coffee (also known as, save some fucking money, you poor). I did this for about 2 weeks before reverting back to my old, disgusting ways. The thing is, I need like at least 32 ounces of coffee in my veins to function, and my travel mug simply isn't big enough. A simple solution would be to get a new mug, but who has the time to do that?

4. Eliminate fat talk from my vocabulary. I can't even tell you how dramatically this has improved my life. Well, I guess I can. I've never been more satisfied with myself or my body since I'm no longer constantly critiquing it. More importantly, eating is way more fun. I've slipped up a few times, but I've made a conscious effort to at least correct myself in those moments, and it's made a huge difference. I recommend this to everyone. 

5. Be less internety. FAIL. 

6. "Advance professionally". I'm now on an executive council board for an association I'm involved in but I'm not making any more money. This wasn't what I was going for. 

7. Perform at an open mic night. Oo... yeah... this is terrifying, so not sure when it will happen.
8. WRITE A BOOK. I've written almost two chapters so far, so that's pretty baller, right? It's all about dating and sex and eating my feelings, so I'm pretty sure no one will ever love me after reading it. I might need to wait until I'm married before I get it published.
9.  Go to sleep at a reasonable hour/fall asleep/stay asleep/SLEEP.  My brain rebels against sleep. Is this an indication of getting old or something? Because I've never had such a problem sleeping in my entire life. Needless to say, this continues to be a daily struggle. Last night, I actually turned my phone OFF an hour before going to bed. I still woke up about 7 times, but at least I fell asleep in less than 3 hours.

10. Get up early enough to walk to work. Have not done this even one time.
11. Learn how to paint my nails. I've at least started painting my own nails as opposed to getting manicures, but I'm terrible at it, mainly because of my ADD. I have a tendency to start a task, immediately forget about it, and move on to something new. For instance, last night I painted one coat, and then decided I had to find shoes underneath my bed right away.
12. Get on GirlCode. So far, I've tweeted at the comediennes on the show a lot, but that's as far as I've gotten. 

And because I like to make things as complicated as possible, I've added additional goals to the list:

1. Do a full-blown pull-up. 

2. Read one book a month. 

3. Drink less... 

I'll be sure to keep you updated on my progress, since I'm sure you all care very much. 

Things I learned this weekend

1. It takes me 20 minutes to pick out the cheese I'm going to eat alone on a Friday night.

I literally sung that out loud, of course.

2. If Boo and I recorded a hip-hop album, this would be the cover:

3. Girl Scouts are like little drug pushers.
4. I'm dominating in the kitchen. By that I mean I boss people around even though I really have no idea what I'm doing and set the smoke alarm off every time I toast a bagel.
5. This pizza came out bomb, though.

I love vegetables. 

6. These also came out bomb:

Tagalong cake bars.

7. Poverty apparently makes me domestic.
8. Some people take Pictionary way too seriously.
9. If you can figure out what this is, you get imaginary points that count toward nothing:

10.  I'm going to be homeless on June 1. This is pretty much all I talk about now, so get used to it. Also, do any of you want me (and Boo) to live on your couch this summer? Seriously, though.