Halloween Candy

I am shocked and dismayed at the severe lack of Halloween candy there is in my office. There are so many people in this MF building with children to apparently no benefit. You are not getting your money's worth, people!

If I had kids, I would make it rain on Halloween. I would take my kids to so many different neighborhoods. And some neighborhoods do trick-or-treating on non-Halloween days, so we could potentially go every day of the week.  They would think I am the best mom, but mostly I'd just be using them for refined carbohydrates. But, whatever. It's like, I pushed you out, so it's the least you can do, right?

Of course, when we got home I would take the candy away and tell them it needs to be rationed because childhood obesity or whatever. But in reality I'd be closet-eating that shit nightly. Also, my sister said young kids forget about their candy. They just fucking forget! So, it's not like they'd be that heart-broken about it.

What I'm saying is: Dear coworkers, you're doing it wrong. Love, Future Mother-of-the-Year

Victory

I'm still reeling from last night's win. (I'm also still sleeping, I think.) I just can't think of a more deserving team than the 2013 Red Sox. They played like champions the whole season. They showed so much camaraderie and sportsmanship, not to mention talent. Just based on athleticism alone, they deserved to win. But on top of that, I think our city needed it.

Boston has had a rough year. And that is not to diminish the hardships people have experienced in other cities and places around the world. I think it's so important to recognize how lucky we really are. But still, the tragedies of the Boston Marathon have been looming over us for months - since the beginning of the baseball season. So, how wonderful it is to think that, although we started at this miserable place, we ended up feeling victorious. Last night, we were jubilant, and though I think we were all remembering that day in April, we were not letting it overshadow us.

I chose never to write about the marathon because I couldn't. And because for the last year and a half or so I've been wanting out of Boston. But sometimes, especially nights like these, I feel so proud to be part of this city, to have known it for so long, to call it home.

Unless one of you flipped over a car, in which case, I'm embarrassed to know you.

Idolatry

When people say women aren't funny, I assume they have no sense of humor. Or are just assholes. They're also probably the kind of people who think they're hilarious because they can quote a Will Ferrell movie. I mean he's funny, but that doesn't make you funny, you know?

The other night, I was watching VH1's Women of SNL special, which I've seen no less than 10 times and never get bored of. I mean, the ladies kind of own that show, am I right? So amazing. I want to be like them, as well as many other female comedians who are just brilliant in every sense of the word.

These are my heroes:

Tina Fey - Duh. But, for the record, we have a lot more in common than our glasses.

Kristen Wiig - I wish I could make my face look like yours, especially when you're doing this:

Amy Poehler - Because she reps girl power 24/7.

Sheri Oteri - WHERE ARE YOU  NOW?!  This is possibly my favorite SNL sketch of all time:

Non SNL heroes:

Megan Amram - Probably my favorite thing to come out of Harvard (and onto Twitter):

Mindy Kaling - We have the same body type, and according to your television show, men are attracted to it.

And last but not least, the one and only...

Sarah Silverman - Technically, she was a writer for SNL, but her skits never got chosen. Whatever, Sarah, I think you're perfect in every way:

Thank you for inspiring me always.

Reflektor

I just want to let you all know that the new Arcade Fire album, Reflektor, is on Spotify now. I feel pretty great about it; however, I will admit, when I first listened, I was like, "Wow, they're really channeling their inner Bowie on the title track," which quickly transitioned to, YOU'LL NEVER BE HIM SO STOP TRYING. And then I went on Google and discovered it's actually Bowie on the track so I'm a fucking loser.

First love.

But yeah, check it out:

Things I learned this weekend

1. It's exciting to have a weekend to yourself until you realize you're alone.
2. Summer Heights High is a show I wish I discovered years ago.

3. No matter how long you scrub your old Boston apartment tub, it will never really look or feel clean.
4. It took me two hours to clean my room/closet aka I am never allowed to go shopping again.
5. Give your guy friends a pie and they'll make a lot of jokes about your vagina.

6. The only reason why the Patriots win is because I have my fingers crossed.
7. It's totally unnecessary to facetime at the gym.

Just making sure you guys know I work out.

8. Cats behave better when you actually spend time with them.
9. Even if you do things like this:

POS kind of mother.

10. I am too old for the World Series.

Things I learned this weekend

1. New Yorkers can be nice. For instance, three strangers rushed to help me hail a cab.  I must have looked really good or really hapless.

2. Cat costumes are boring except for the tail.

3. It would be so cool to have a tail, though. 

4. Reading The Book Thief on the bus is an excellent reminder that being stuck in traffic is not the worst thing that could happen to you; Nazi Germany is.

5. Adults have bartenders at their house parties. Bartenders!

6. When I drink vodka, I try to set my gay friends up with straight guys.

7. I also steal ribbons from a Halloween decoration to make a collar so that my costume is more "authentic".

8. Referees are life-ruiners. They ruin people's lives.

9. Every once in a while, I listen to Radiohead for 4 hours and pretend to be introspective. 

10. Exit Music (For a Film) is one of the best songs ever made. I have emotional and physical responses whenever I hear it.

Nothing Was The Same

I am inappropriately obsessed with Drake's new album, Nothing Was The Same.

I honestly haven't cared much about Drake since he played Jimmy on Degrassi, and even then, I was more into Craig, despite the fact that he gave everyone gonorrhea in 8th grade because IT GOES THERE (Degrassi tagline).

100% gonorrhea

Anyway, I used to think Drake looked like Little Foot from The Land Before Time, but now I think he's sexy because we've both matured and also I've been single for a really long time.

Doppelganger

Moreover, Nothing Was The Same makes me understand what Amanda Bynes was talking about. And if you don't know what I'm referring to, you'll have to Google it since I'm too classy to repeat it here and also because my dad reads this sometimes. 

Wink.

On the album, Drake kind of/sort of flirts with feminism, which makes me even more *excited*, since it's almost impossible for me to listen to hip-hop without feeling like a hypocrite (but I do it anyway). Then again, he also talks a lot about all the money he has because that is apparently the only way to sell hip-hop records in America. So, it's a little bit confusing, but whatever. I'm still totally obsessed with it/him. 

Right.

PLUS, he's half black AND half Jewish, which means he could fulfill all my dreams of being in an interracial relationship with someone who will celebrate Jewish holidays with me. So, I really hope he's reading this. Well, I mean, everything except for the Little Foot part.

Things I learned this weekend

1. The surest way to feel old as shit is by going to homecoming.

          1a. Some guy I met in line for the bathroom guessed that I was 27 and then said, "No, there's no way               you're that old."

          1b. Another guy I met in line for the bathroom told me he kills bunnies for a living. #NewHampshire

2. Since I graduated, UNH has become infinitely nicer but also less fun. 

3. And/or I think everyone does coke now instead of binge drinking. Kids these days.

4. Even if you haven't seen her in years, your sorority sister will take your contact out of your eye for you.

5. The room I lived in for 2 years was deemed "unlivable" right after I graduated, so I almost definitely have some lingering disease.

6. College was absolutely the fattest time of my life, mainly because I lived in a sorority house with a kitchen that was fully stocked with chips and macaroni & cheese and cookie dough at all times. 

          6a. This made our house the most popular place to be at 3 am.

          6b. The way to a guy's heart (penis) is through his stomach. 

7. Now, my sorority locks the refrigerator, which only has yogurt in it anyway. I guess they're concerned about health or something.

8. I can't remember the last time I slept.
9. Target does not carry sexy direwolf costumes.

Sexy + Direwolf

10. One day, I will write a real blog post again.

Things I learned [last] weekend

I'm still recovering from a fantastic weekend in NYC, hence why I've been notably absent this week. (It has been notable, right?)

1. Drake is Jewish.

2. The Bolt Bus picks you up/drops you off on the side of the road. Every person who takes it forms a bond over their confusion about this.
3. People from the midwest don't understand that putting your headphones in is New England code for "Don't talk to me."
4. You know you're in Connecticut when XXX billboards start appearing on the side of the highway.
5. Sometimes men take off their pants in the middle of Times Square at 5 pm.
6. Cronuts make for a nutritious breakfast when paired with kale smoothies.

7. My friend Patrick and I fell in love with our waitress at Colonie. She gave us complimentary donuts and a hug at the end of our meal.
8. There is an exhibit at The Met called Cats and Girls. Unfortunately, it's about 90% pedophilia, 10% cats.

Not pictured: Cats.

9. I want to eat this every day of my life.

10. Sometimes, very rarely, you can watch a Patriots game with a Giants fan and like each other.

So many babies, so little time.

You guys, why am I still talking about babies? Is this what happens when you're in your late 20s? Help. I'm scared.

Really though, I just wanted to tell you all that my friend's baby is famous:

Ellen, so.

That kid's like 6 months old and just had to sit next to a cat to get on TV. I AM ALWAYS SITTING NEXT TO CATS. Why the fuck hasn't anyone giving me a show yet?  This world is messed up.

But also, so excited for you and your baby, Linds!