Last night, I went to one of those trendy paint nights, at which you're supposed to drink wine with your lady friends and do art and feel talented and accomplished at the end. I chose to drink bourbon and accidentally mix all my colors together into a nice shade of poop brown, so you can imagine how great mine came out.
I find anything art-related incredibly challenging, mainly because I lack spacial awareness and also have Attention Deficit Disorder. I recently cried over a poster board because I couldn't write on it in a straight line. I also have never been able to identify where the center of a piece of paper is. I know there are things like rulers for that, but who has the time? Which brings me to my third problem with art: I just don't really give a shit.
So pumped about paint.
Sorry, everyone. I'd like to be cultured enough to say that I enjoy going to art museums and discussing paintings, but I get bored pretty quickly. I also get cynical. Like, why is this person making a million dollars for basically blowing up google maps and framing it? The only artist I've ever slightly cared about is Salvador Dali and that's mainly because I was required to write a paper about him in Spanish and also because he's fucking weird, which I have a thing for.
So yeah, obviously.
Anyway, our first step last night was to divide the canvas into nine blocks, which I failed at immediately. You know, on account of that whole spacial awareness thing. After that, I mostly followed the directions but soon stopped listening and started drawing cats instead.
I just wanted to give you guys an update on my gluten-free diet. I know you have all been wondering how I'm doing, so let me tell you.
On day one, I ate a whole-wheat tortilla and a graham cracker, but other than that, totes GF. But then on day 2, I brought a box of these to a picnic:
NOT gluten-free
Has anyone else had these?! They are AMAZING. They also cost $5, so you feel rich buying them. My roommate almost went out of her way to buy me gluten-free cookies as if I was serious. So kind of her but, like, no.
Also, on Saturday, I drank five beers, which always, always make me feel sick, but I drink them anyway because a life without beer is a life not worth living!
Pizza: also NOT gluten-free
Then again, in an effort to drink less beer, I did recently start drinking more whiskey (healthy), which my dad kindly pointed out to me is also made with grains (duh) and most likely contains gluten, so it's not really the best substitute. So, what the hell is a girl to do?! Perhaps reevaluate her life if her major concern is finding an alcoholic substitute for alcohol. Whatever.
Here's a picture of my cat next to a muffin, also NOT gluten free.
1. Climbing over walls and crawling through mud is actually really, really fun.
2. But, that said, you should know that I'm more of an indoorsy kind of girl.
3. This is problematic since my apartment hasn't been below 80 degrees in months.
4. Have I mentioned yet that I hate summer?
5. The Way Way Back was filmed almost entirely at Water Wizz in Wareham, MA. This brought back vivid memories of my childhood and also pee-filled pools.
6. Diesel Cafe has morning glory muffins, which, in my opinion, are the best, yet most underrated kind of muffin.
7. I wonder if other people have such strong feelings about muffins.
8. I started reading The Golden Compass, which features a character named Mrs. Coulter who may or may not eat children. That makes a lot of sense to me.
9. You're probably really jealous that I own this:
10. Yesterday, I accidentally called Boo a "doke" instead of a dick. I think I'm onto something.
11. I had to take a long break from writing this because I was mesmerized by this commercial:
Last night, I went to Shakespeare on the Common, which is a free show put on by the Commonwealth Shakespeare Company every year.
City life.
This year, they performed Two Gentlemen of Verona, which, although I am a former English major who has read many a Shakespeare play (some more than once), I had never read or seen.
I will say that the Commonwealth Shakespeare Company's production was great, but I was a little disturbed by the plot. To sum it up, it's about two "gentlemen" who fall in "love" with two girls who aren't very nice and also a little bit crazy (typical).
Julia's biggest dilemma is choosing from the list of her many suitors (#OldWorldProblems). And all Sylvia has to do is look at a guy, and he wants to marry her. She's like a witch except that she can't do anything cool, like fly or disapparate.
But, it's also about how you can try to rape your best friend's girlfriend, and it's totally cool, bro:
Proteus wrests Silvia away from the outlaws. Valentine watches the interaction unseen. Proteus demands that Silvia give him some sign of her favor for freeing her, but she refuses. He tries to rape her for her resistance, but Valentine jumps out and stops him. Proteus immediately apologizes, and Valentine offers to give him Silvia as a token of their friendship.
What in the fuck?
And then everyone hugs and gets married in the end... I think.
I actually don't know what happened at the end because, at the precise moment the play was wrapping up, a shirtless man was being chased and subsequently arrested on the ground right next to our blanket. So that was a bit of a downer.
But, I'm going to assume everyone got married because by having a $60,000 English degree (woopsies!), I know that all Shakespeare comedies end in marriage. And if that is not true, I want my money back. And if that is true, I also want my back.
1. It was 25 degrees cooler in Plymouth than Boston on Saturday.
Cold.
2. I spend most of the time that I'm at a wedding shower making mental note of all the things I want for my kitchen. Note: I cook approximately once a month.
3. I'm not getting married anytime soon, but I think I'm going to throw a shower for myself BECAUSE I'M WORTH IT.
Women of worth = Beyonce and that other person
4. I feel sick 99% of the time. This has led me to determine (without any medical evidence) that I have a gluten allergy.
5. I started a gluten-free diet yesterday, which, so far, has consisted of tortilla chips and Rice Chex.
6. Boo loves me most when I'm eating cereal. Or when I'm eating anything really.
Refined palate.
7. Even though I don't really care about them that much, kids seem to really like me.
8. That makes sense though because my preferred type of guy is one who is emotionally distant.
9. Update: still single.
10. I'm still moderately afraid of thunderstorms, but I don't throw up or pee my pants like I did when I was a child.
Grown up.
11. My body has rejected being hip / I had to take out my nose ring.
12. I meet more girls on the internet than any other straight girl in America.
Friends IRL.
13. Perhaps this is why I have to constantly defend my sexuality.
14. I'm not a lesbian.
I'm obsessed with Miley Cyrus' new song. There I said it. I straight up can't stop listening to it. Straight up. So I guess it's aptly named. I will say, though, that the video is downright terrifying:
I'm trying to get my friends into it so that I can justify putting it on repeat at a party. (By the way, someone invite me to a party. Thanks.) Last night, I played it for my friend Alex, who said, "This is the kind of song that, when I listen to it, I feel like I should be throwing up or passing out," which sounds about right, judging by the video.
I have mixed feelings about the message, though. On the one hand, she's all like, "GIRL POWER!" But then on the other, she's like, "I do coke!" And that's kind of disturbing since she used to be Hannah Montana. Then again, that's also probably why she does coke now, so.
She's just being Miley.
She also looks like a starving prostitute in the video. But other than that, it's totally empowering, right?
The other day, my friend Cory told me that he is trying to gain weight. I just want you to stop and imagine my reaction to that, okay? It was a combination of horror, resentment, rage, envy, and a little bit of friendliness because I do really like Cory.
What it must be like to be a boy, though. Trying to gain weight. I told him if he needs any advice on how to do that to come to me since I'm pretty much a sage in that field. I mean, I can gain three pounds in one weekend. Fact. And, like, that's not even a challenge, so.
But I guess Cory wants to gain lean muscle mass or something like that, and I mostly specialize in cellulite, so perhaps I'm not the right person to consult.
1. One of my major anxieties every week is wondering what volume I'm on for these things and how long I have to use volumes and will this madness ever end?! Someone tell me I can stop.
2. My life is pretty good if this is a major anxiety.
3. Newbury Comics has a whole section devoted to cat shirts.
CATS IN SPACE.
4. You know you were in grad school for too long when the best thing you can come up with for a comedy act is a powerpoint.
5. You know you were a pretty shitty grad student since you still don't even know how to do animations on Powerpoint.
6. Putting a picture of a vibrator on a PowerPoint equals guaranteed laughs.
7. This is the most I have ever learned about PowerPoint.
8. I like to combine risks like speaking in front of crowds and wearing light-washed jeans.
BRAVERY.
9. I have really wonderful friends who support me even when I tell them they're not allowed to. (Thanks, guys.)
10. Emus are not alpacas. What's an alpaca?
LITERAL TERROR.
Fellow bloggers: Make your own vague weekend recap list and link up here:
This week has kind of BLOWN, in my opinion. Thankfully, I got to enjoy the cinematic gold known as SharkNado, which could have been alternatively named Guns vs. Extreme Weather. It felt like propaganda, though I couldn't determine if it was a social commentary on climate change or a promo for weapons of mass destruction. Hopefully some senators will weigh in on this soon to clear things up.
Anyway, so yeah, this week, you guys. At least I woke up this morning to find this (along with a donut) waiting for me on the counter:
I watched Cinderella the other night. I have to be honest, I don't think I had ever seen the whole thing. As you know, when I was a child, I much preferred Alice in Wonderland because it was about a little girl wandering alone in the woods; I could identify with that. Also cats:
Anyway, I'm still not impressed by Cinderella. I mean, the story-line is pretty lame: a girl who LOVES cleaning magically gets turned into a princess? It sounds like a Lysol commercial to me. And also who wouldn't love cleaning if you had little slave animals to do most of the work. Again, Boo, what are you doing with your life?
GET A JOB.
But what bothers me more than the plot is the glass slipper. First of all, how impractical? Especially since the fairy godmother had to have known Cinderella would be running to beat the clock. Pretty bitchy, I'd say. One wrong move and that shit shatters. I'd love to see a version where Cinderella is limping back to her pumpkin with a bloody foot.
Also, wasn't everything supposed to turn back to normal at midnight? How did that one glass slipper avoid the spell? Listen, I know a lot about magic and that couldn't possibly have happened.
1. I am so grateful to have so many incredible people in my life. I already knew this, but I like to say it a lot.
2. Although I'm quite happy to not live there anymore, I'm pretty lucky to be from the Cape because, well, this:
3. I love the beach, but I'm terrified of the sun.
4. It's no surprise where my love for music comes from. Pretty much all my parents and I did when we were together this weekend was listen to jams.
5. On that note, my sister and I were both named after Steely Dan. Remind me to tell you a funny story about that sometime.
6. I was Asian when I was a baby.
7. I've been talking a lot about moving to another city, but a quick trip to Eastie reminded me how beautiful Boston is. Eastie. Who the fuck would have thought?
8. Meat pies are okay, I guess.
9. Cats follow me wherever I go, including city parks.
Quality photo.
10. Singing Pocahontas at the bar is a good way to bond with strangers. So is talking about hip hop and feminism.
11. My new method of cooking is to just throw a bunch of shit in a pan and cross my fingers. So far, so good.
12. I should never be allowed to go to Target.
13. Boo is not impressed by my singing, even though all of my songs are about him.
Always be my babis.
14. In college, during the summers, I used to work in the parking lot at the beach. My dad was recently making small talk with one of the girls who works there now and said, "My daughter used to do this." And she said, "When?" And he said, "Around 2004." And then she said, "Oh, I was 5." So.
Ok, I really can't stand when people talk about the weather*, but, you guys, this heat. It puts me in such a c-word mood, if you know what I mean. Like, I want to punch everything. And I know I just need to get over it because I live in New England, etc. etc., so I'm sorry. But humidity is a plague on all of mankind (in the surrounding area), and I am suffering.
The other night I woke up enraged and sweating and immediately ordered a $60 fan on Amazon at 2 am.
It's fancy (note the wood paneling), but not fancy enough. I'm considering prostituting myself out for a night's sleep in air conditioning. So... think about that.
*And now I welcome all of you to call me out for being a hypocritical asshole.
I'm attempting to become part of a blogger community in the hopes of growing my audience, but it has been difficult since I don't really fit into the My Eating Disorder Health & Fitness or Fashion blog spheres. I do, however, fit into the crazy cat person sphere, so that's why I'm doing this "Tall Tails" link up.
To be honest, I don't really know what a link up is, which is why I originally posted this without even mentioning it. And then I had to un-post it and delete everything on Facebook and Twitter and start over. This is probably another reason why I'm not part of a blogger community. Special thanks to Adriana for talking me through this / teaching me how to use a computer.
ANYWAY.
In typical POS kind of mother fashion, I left Boo all alone this past weekend to fend for himself. I am proud to say that he didn't throw up once while I was gone, and, when I got back, he didn't even hit me or anything. He's really growing up.
Mature AND Beautiful.
Or, as my dad said, "He's just used to his deadbeat mom leaving him all the time."
On that note, I'm going away for the 4th of July, too. Yet another holiday spent without his mom. Someone call DSS.
At least he hasn't lost his patriotism.
Finally, I feel like it is critical for me to mention that the above picture was taken last year before Boo started his low-carb diet. Because, not only am I a deadbeat mom, I am also a pageant mom.
Whenever I tell people that I don't really like to watch movies they give me horrified looks and then scream at me, "WHAT DO YOU DO THEN?!" Well, first of all, I say, everything else in the world you could do other than watch a movie. And then, after that, I sit in my room, alone, and listen to music for an extended period of time.
Trust me, I was always this emo. As a teenager I would listen to the Doors and Dispatch (but never, ever Phish) for hours and hours. My parents thought I was secretly smoking weed in my bedroom, but, in actuality, I wasn't even cool enough to do that. I was mostly laying on my floor writing lyrics down on post-its and putting them all over my walls.
However, during the summer of 2006, also known as The Worst Summer Ever, I would smoke cloves and listen to Death Cab for Cutie and Bright Eyes at the beach. I thought I had a broken heart, but it was really just mono.
You guys, how was I so hip?!
Anyway, I still sit in my room for hours listening to music not smoking weed but also not writing things on post-its because that's wasteful, and I could never find a pen on my shit-hole of a desk anyway:
This is the way I live.
Every night, the following interaction occurs:
Me: I'm going to bed. Roommate: Ok, good night. Me: (Goes into bedroom, listens to music for 2 hours, falls asleep with it blaring.) Roommate's boyfriend: Was Katie listening to Notorious BIG at 2 in the morning?
Yes. Yes, I was.
On that note, you should know how ridiculously random my music collection is. On a recent road trip, I put my old iPod on shuffle and the following sequence of artists came on:
Rage Against the Machine
Fleet Foxes
TI
Hall & Oates
Radiohead
I also have long love affairs with albums. It's weird because I can't seem to pay attention to movies, but I will listen to the same album on repeat for weeks at a time. Sometimes even months. When The 20/20 Experience came out, I listened to it for two straight weeks without breaking. On my way to work, at work, on the way home, etc. You'd think after all that time I'd know what the fuck JT says in Mirrors, but I have not one clue. I've definitely been singing along (loudly) for months without ever using an actual English word.
She's only 23, but brilliant and also a bit gory. There's a lot about blood and bones going on in her lyrics. I'm like, how are you so eloquently bitter at such a ripe age? I'm 27 and just regular bitter. I think I need someone to stab my heart out or something so I can get a record deal. Also some musical talent would help.
Until then, I'll just keep my singing to myself (and my room). You're welcome.
*
[If you found any of this at all interesting, follow me on Spotify, which has officially changed my life. Ten dollars a month for infinite music on all your devices. It's a dream come true.]
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