1. I'm feeling the fuck out of this song right now.
2. Sometimes, on a really beautiful day, I spend 3 hours at the mall picking out scarves and other shit I absolutely do not need.
3. You might feel like a tiny, dainty woman until you go get measured at Victoria's Secret.
4. My friend, Pat, is a hypocritical dick. I was five minutes away from ordering Domino's in my pajamas at 5 p.m. instead of going to the gym when I texted him for reassurance. Of course, his response was: "go to the gym." Later, I get this message from him:
5. Just kidding, he is the most perfect person in the world.
6. But I had fucking salad.
7. My sister is ENGAGED!
8. I'm probably going to have to take out a personal loan to afford all of the weddings I'm going to in the next year.
9. I like babies now? I don't know; I'm feeling distraught. I saw one this weekend at an engagement party and I smiled at it and it smiled at me, but I think it only liked me because I had cat faces on my dress, obviously.
10. Then again, "it." So.
I'm not typically the kind of person who cries at movies. I generally reserve that kind of emotion for more serious things like not being able to hang a picture and football games. But, last night, I was watching The Family Stone at the gym and found myself crying on the elliptical like a fucking loser, and I was like, Feelings? What? It was weird. It also made me think back to the few other times I can remember crying at movies, which include:
1. Bambi. Um, what the hell, Disney? That is messed up. I'm pretty sure I've never actually seen the whole movie since I couldn't get past the BRUTAL MURDER in the very beginning.
2. Blood Diamond. Oh man, I was just sobbing in the theater, thinking to myself, "Fuck marriage! Fuck everything!"
3. Precious. There is literally nothing precious about that movie. Just when you think nothing worse could possibly happen, someone throws a baby down the stairs. THROWS A BABY. I don't even care about babies and I couldn't handle that. I was horrified and inconsolable the entire time. I actually had to go to the bathroom after the movie ended to continue crying for 10 additional minutes.
4. Les Mis. Okay, technically I didn't cry, but I felt like I was going to because that was one of the worst movies I have ever seen. I felt trapped in a $12 hell that I could have easily gotten out of, but felt bad abandoning my friends, so I just sat with pent up rage/thoughts of suicide for 8 fucking hours or however long it was.
The most mis, especially for me.
I think that's it. I usually laugh at my friends when the cry at movies because I'm heartless or, more likely, because I wasn't paying attention and don't know what they're crying about.
Since I'm essentially a journalist by internet standards (also I totally use to write for my high school's newspaper), I feel obligated to publish an official retraction in regards to my Tinder post. Since writing it, I've talked with a number of people I respect who are using Tinder to legitimately date. So, good for them.
Love in the 21st century.
Here are what I've concluded to be the perks of Tinder:
It's free.
It's really not any more superficial than going up to someone you think is hot at a bar.
No one goes up to anyone at a bar [in Boston] anyway.
You can probably confirm through mutual friends that the other person is not a serial killer or a different gender than indicated.*
Sometimes you might actually get a relationship out of it.
It's free.
While I feel obligated to point these things out, I should also mentioned that I have talked to other people who do use it solely to have sex with strangers and/or boost their self-esteem. So what I'm saying is I wasn't totally wrong before. And that's what's most important.
*According to Catfish, there is a 50% chance the girl you're talking to online is a guy and vice versa.
1. Sudafed makes me feel high, but not hungry.
2. I can totally twerk, you guys.
3. Riding a school bus to a wedding ceremony reminded me of college when my sorority would take a bus to an off-campus venue for our "semi-formals" also known as "cocktails" also known as complete shit shows.
4. One semester, I took my friend Steph to a cocktail, before which, I lectured her about how we couldn't get too drunk or we'd get kicked out. Cue me being sent home at 9 and throwing up in a mailbox that night.
5. Another time, or possibly that same time, my date didn't like a song that was on, so I went behind the DJ booth and shut off the music.
6. On that note, once at a frat party, I accidentally stepped on something that shut off all the music and got screamed at by a fraternity brother to "GET THE FUCK OUT!" I had a lot of sex in college, obviously.
7. Pretty sure I yelled, "You the hottest bitch in this place" at my friend's mom on Saturday night.
8. Weddings are fun.
9. My friends are, like, really pretty.
10. My friend Cory thinks I should write about him more in my blog, so here are 10 facts about him:
1. We became friends in 9th grade after I asked him if he ever got boners in class.
2. After I had my wisdom teeth out, he brought me Panera soup.
3. He once crashed into a fence while skiing and we all thought he died, but he didn't.
4. One time, I ran over his leftovers after we got into a fight about Jewel.
5. HE MET SARAH SILVERMAN. While this makes me entirely jealous, if it had to be someone other than me, I'm glad it was him.
6. In high school, we went to a conference at Indiana University where we left various copies of a burned CD that contained only this song:
8. Amy Whinehouse's death was one of the biggest tragedies of his life.
9. We would both rather watch several hours of prison documentaries than go out sometimes.
10. He just married one of the most wonderful, genuine people I have ever met.
Tomorrow is my blog's 2nd birthday. Despite the roaring success of Boo's birthday party last year, I won't be throwing it a party, even though it is like my other child, another child that I often neglect. I'd be a great mom, huh?
World's Best Mom
Anyway, to celebrate, I've put together a collection of my (and hopefully your) favorite posts from the last year for you to read or re-read and RELISH in. This is also a good excuse for me to not have to come up with something new to write. We all win!
Thank you all so very very much for reading my blog! I feel very lucky that people care enough about my thoughts on cheese and cats to continue clicking these links. <3 p="">
1. Riding the 66 is one of the worst experiences you can have in Boston.
2. I should really start checking the weather before I go out.
So dry.
3. The Fells is a lot more hikey than you might think.
4. "Hikey" is an adjective I made up this weekend.
Engagement photo?
5. Squats are an important exercise because if you ever have to pee in the woods, you'll be fully prepared.
6. I am really good at identifying shapes and colors that guide you through the trails. Some would say I'm a natural leader. #puns
7. "Too much nature! Too much nature!" is what I scream when I almost step on a snake.
8. Alt+J = ∆
9. If you pour icing over a "healthy" pumpkin cake and let it sit on your counter for a few hours, it eventually tastes less healthy and therefore delicious.
MOIST.
10. Fiona Apple covered "Pure Imagination" from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory for a Chipotle commercial:
For the past week or so, Boo has been "scooting" around the apartment. Scooting, for those of you who are unfamiliar, is the scientific term for dragging one's ass across the carpet. This behavior became concerning because, according to the internets, it can be a sign of a parasite or also "impacted anal glands", which I assume is like hemorrhoids for cats. (I'm not sure how Boo would feel if he knew that I'm talking about his anus on the internet, but hey, I gotta give my readers what they want.)
Poor Babis.
Anyway, one quick anal probing later, Boo was given a diagnosis. The verdict: he is constipated and needs to add more fiber to his diet. So basically, he's American.
The vet's advice was to put him on a low-carb, high-fiber diet, which will "help with his weight, too." I lost count of the number of times she incorporated, "he's a big boy" into a sentence. We get it, okay? Some of us don't have as fast metabolisms as others. It's genetics!
And that concludes my first and last time I ever post about anal. Most likely.
1. Sometimes you're walking and you just totally face-plant into a bush.
2. I've said it before and I'll say it again: happy hour should really be limited to an hour.
3. MIT has a ball pit in one of their dorms.
4. Even geniuses have a hard time with grammar.
Sunday's.
5. I am really old. Or at least I feel that way after drinking too much at a college bar because I say things like, "You have your whole life ahead of you!" to people who are 24.
6. On that note, I am out-of-touch with the latest trends. For instance, did you know it's cool to expose your butt cheeks in public? And not even just if you're a prostitute!
7. Seriously though, being surrounded by 16-year-olds at Boston Calling 2.0 was a frightening experience.
Despite my better judgement, I'm playing fantasy football this season. I think you guys already know how mentally ill I am when it comes to the Patriots, so I'm not sure projecting that sickness onto the entire league is a good idea, but oh well. Sorry in advance.
I spent two hours planning for my draft only to get 7th pick and have most of my top players RIPPED AWAY FROM ME. I threw many a virtual tantrum in the chat room. I am never dramatic.
Luckily, I had also come up with an extensive list of backups and ended up with an A+ roster, so. NBD.
I might as well start engraving my name on that trophy now.
As someone who was in school most her life, I really appreciate (read: need) the validation of a letter grade. So now that I'm not in school anymore, I have to focus on these types of accomplishments. It's for my self-esteem, you guys.
However, I do kind of feel like a degenerate since I went from getting a Master's at Harvard to managing a pretend football team online. Then again, I did study management, so I guess I'm putting my degree to good use. How many other people can say that?
When I was little, I thought going to war meant taking any household items that could potentially be used as weapons and fighting people in your back yard. Like The Hunger Games, basically.
I ultimately figured out that wasn't accurate, but I'm still just as scared of it as I was back then.
1. There is a street in Boston named Hadassah Way. I like this because Hadassah is the Jewish name of my favorite character in the bible, Esther. Esther was bad ass because she saved all the Jews. #girlpower
2. Esther is also the reason for the Jewish holiday, Purim, which is kind of like Halloween, and you all know how I feel about costumes.
Boo as a Hasidic Jew, bottom right.
3. I know a lot about Jewish things for someone who isn't actually Jewish (shhh, don't tell).
4. Numbers 2 and 3 are things I already knew.
5. Sixteen Candles is pretty rapey. For instance, Jake gives his drunk girlfriend to the dorky kid and says, "Have fun." So, that's sweet.
6. That makes sense, though, because America is obsessed with rape. This is evidenced by the 1 million + episodes of SVU, which seems to be the only thing ever on at my gym.
7. Speaking of the gym, I can do planks, and squats, and dead lifts, but only when someone makes me. Does that relate to number 6?
9. Summer's over! I can't wait to wear tights and sweatshirts and pick apples and see witches.
10. This is the first fall in 22 yearsthat I'm not going to school. That makes me feel weird and uncomfortable and slightly lazy. What do people do when they're not in school?
11. Boo is a liar and a cheat.
Adultery.
12. I was convinced to play fantasy football, which I've adamantly opposed for years because it turns everyone into an asshole. Cross your fingers for me.
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