Resolutions

I usually come up with one resolution that is easily doable so that I feel accomplished. Things like, give blood, or kiss a straight guy at midnight, or "get into whiskey". This year, however, I've come up with twelve resolutions because I'm currently on a mission to dramatically change my life. Twelve resolutions in twelve months. NBD.

To do:

1. Buy fresh foods.

2. Cook said foods.

3. Make my own damn coffee (also known as, save some fucking money, you poor).

4. Eliminate fat talk from my vocabulary.

5. Be less internety.

6. "Advance professionally"

7. Perform at an open mic night.
8. WRITE A BOOK.
9.  Go to sleep at a reasonable hour/fall asleep/stay asleep/SLEEP.
10. Get up early enough to walk to work.
11. Learn how to paint my nails.
12. Get on GirlCode.

Those are pretty reasonable, right? What are your resolutions?

Things I learned this weekend: Winter Break Edition

1. I feel at home in Harlem.

2. The term "pork bun" means something different at every Chinese restaurant.

3. At some point, Christmas trees start smelling like cat pee.

4. Therefore, my friend Patrick and I created a new holiday tradition of tearing down the tree on Christmas Eve.

5. I saw Joan Rivers at the bar. She looked like her face could shatter into a million pieces at any moment.

6. I can wear red lipstick in public.

7. I use one day of Christmas to justify 10 days of drinking.

8. And 2 days of Domino's.    

9. And 40 hours of television.
10. I really am Liz Lemon.

Beyoncé

Beyoncé's new self-titled album has been on repeat on my iPod for over a week now. I'll be the first to admit I have not always been a fan of hers, but this album has blown my mind. BLOWN MY MIND. It's a perfect combination of femininity and feminism. Those two things can go together, believe it or not.

Of course, a lot of people have been hating on Beyoncé claiming that she is not a "real feminist", and to them, I have this to say:

1) The quickest/easiest way to be anti-feminist is by bashing other women, especially those on top, so good job.
2) Learn something about hip-hop. The industry is notorious for hyper-masculinity and objectification of women. Watch any music video for 30 seconds. Now here's Beyoncé taking ownership of her sexuality (and also occasionally Jay-Z) in a sophisticated way. And I say, GET IT, GIRL.
3) Speaking of Jay-Z, why do we barely even bat an eye when he proclaims himself "the best rapper alive", but criticize Beyoncé for her "overconfidence"?
4) The idea that women have to be perfect all the time is debilitating, not to mention one of the major reasons why the feminist movement exists in the first place. So how does it help to expect women to be perfect feminists? Guess what! Women can be empowered and influential and also like sex and make-up and fame.
5) Have you even listened to this album? Because, for real, it is incredible.

It's the most wonderful time of the year?

I'm not going to go so far as to call myself a grinch -- that's a little too drastic -- but I will tell you that I don't really care about Christmas. I know, I know, this is horrifying to most people. Don't get me wrong, I love the lights, and the music, and the refined sugar, and (most of all) the extra time off, but when it comes to shopping and wrapping and the mayhem and guilt associated with Christmas, I just can't. And there's always guilt. I didn't spend enough; I spent too much; I should have gone to that party; I'M NOT DOING ENOUGH. 

THERE'S NO TIME. THERE'S NEVER ANY TIME.

And all of this just totally defeats the purpose of a holiday. I don't like feeling pressured to celebrate. I just want to sit on my ass in pajamas and drink some bourbon and eat a lot of things involving butter and not feel bad about all the other things I didn't do. Nah mean?

This year, I'm spending the holiday in NYC with one of my best friends, Patrick. We're mainly going to sit and eat and hopefully wait in line for hours to skate for 10 minutes at Rockefeller Center.  I'm also really interested in finding a muff. This kind, you guys. Get your heads out of the gutter. 

Since I'm not going home this year, I invited my family up this weekend. I had no idea we were exchanging gifts, so I didn't get them anything because I'm a deadbeat  because spending time together is the most important thing anyway. Well, they all showed up with bags of the most perfect presents including this dope portable speaker, a Game of Thrones pint glass, and so much beer (apparently they know me well).

Bad ass.

In return, I told my dad to park in the driveway next to my apartment and consequently got his car towed.

Happy holidays!

You guys, no one has used this M-F driveway in months and my landlord is "on vacation" and it's fucking Christmastime. Whatever. A quick $131 later we were back at my apartment in time to watch the Patriots humiliate the Ravens, so the day still ended well. However, needless to say, I definitely failed at Christmas this year. See what I mean about the guilt?  At least, I can give you all this:

Shame spiral.

I just want to quickly summarize last night for you. I went to a holiday party at work, which is where it all started going downhill. Anytime there is free stuff around (in this case alcohol), I instinctively revert back into poor kid mode and think I have to stock up because THIS MIGHT NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. It's important to remember, however, that not only will it absolutely happen again, but also that I am not poor. But I was not rational last night, obviously.

A lot of wine was consumed at the party, which resulted in my drunk texting like a fucking crazy person at 7 PM. 7 PM, you guys. Listen, if you are drunk texting at 7 pm, you have got to reevaluate your life, okay? The only thing that makes this sort of okay is that my texts are 1) generally incomprehensible and 2) hopefully hilarious.

Sort of like this.

At that point (7 pm), I definitely should have sent myself home, but my friend had texted me that he was at a bar near my apartment so I was like "yeah, I should totally keep drinking!" We met up at the bar, where I:

a) met his friend who was celebrating his birthday

b) bought SHOTS (Why? And don't. And no.)

c) tried to pay with my Zipcar card

d) left my bag unattended at the bar for a significant period of time

Apparently people in my neighborhood are trustworthy and honest. That, or they're too drunk to notice an unattended bag. Either way. Anyway, then I proclaimed to my friends that I was going to die if I didn't eat something ASAP (because I'm extra dramatic when I'm drunk), so we left to get food. The only adult thing that happened last night was that I chose truffle mac & cheese for my drunk food. But then I immediately felt like I was going to throw up, so I threw all the cash I had (aka three dollars) on the table and rushed home. On that note, special thanks to my friends (including the birthday boy whom I just met and made pay for my food) for picking up the tab. 

I'm 27. 

Weight-less

I'm kind of a hypocrite (read: totally a hypocrite) because I often preach about having a positive body image when I don't really myself. That's mostly because I hope that by projecting a certain attitude, one day I'll actually adopt it myself. And maybe other people will, too. So it's not fully reprehensible.

Anyway, I want to tell you about something I've stopped doing recently that has been really really amazing. And that thing is weighing myself.  It was an obsession of mine for a very long time. Like an every day kind of obsession, even though I knew (and expressed to the world) how awful and self-sabotaging it was. I read many books and articles about why you shouldn't weigh yourself, and said to myself, "What a great idea!", until finally, one day, I actually took that advice. Though, I will admit, I didn't actively stop weighing myself; I simply became too busy. And, after a while, it just basically fell out of habit. Kind of like flossing your teeth, but with a much healthier outcome. Regardless, it's been great for me. And probably everyone around me.

I'm still quite tempted by the scale in my bathroom, but I've been enjoying my ignorance so much that it keeps me from going back.

Is this what normal feels like? I'm not sure. I still have a long way to go. But for those of you who can relate, which I sadly assume is many, I highly recommend this small change.

Dungeons & Dragons

Pretty sure I was totally convinced to play Dungeons & Dragons last night. I don't know why that game has gotten such bad press. Do you know how awesome it is? You can turn into a unicorn if you want to.

Did you guys read that, though? YOU CAN TURN INTO A UNICORN, IF YOU WANT TO.

According to the people who explained the game to me, you can be whatever you want to be. I was told I would make a good wizard because of my charisma. I decided I would like to be a sorceress instead. Technicalities. Also, there are direwolves in this game. I feel like I have missed out on so many years of magic, you guys!

I am not embarrassed to be this excited right now. The only problem I foresee is that apparently there are very few dragons in the game, which seems like bullshit and false advertising to me. However, if you can really be whatever you want to be, then I can probably have a pet dragon. I feel like all my dreams are about to come true. I also requested that, should I join a Dungeons & Dragons league -- league?! -- that we dress up for every game. I'll make any excuse to wear a costume.

On another note, I really hope you all continue to be friends with me.

Boys cry, too.

Happy Monday!

As per usual, I don't have much to say, but if you haven't watched this yet, please do so right away:

Other than that, in terms of what I learned this weekend, it mainly boils down to the fact that sinus infections are fucking disgusting. I am basically a walking Mucinex commercial right now. I just want you to imagine how sexy that is. 

Also, The Little Mermaid has a pretty terrible story-line, but I was, like, weirdly attracted to Prince Eric while watching it this weekend. He's a cartoon character, you guys. So.

TTYL.

Best Albums of 2013

It's that time of year when I make a list of my favorite albums from the past 12 months and no one gives a shit about it but I do it anyway because it's important to me. Also because I'm a music snob and want to impress you with my varied taste and expertise regarding musical talent.

So here it is, my top 10 of 2013 (in sort of a particular order):

10. Justin Timberlake - The 20/20 Experience (Part 1. Part 2 is marginal. Sorry.)
9. Lorde - Pure Heroine 
8. Laura Stevenson - Wheel
7. John Legend - Love In The Future
6. Arcade Fire - Reflektor
5. Drake - Nothing Was The Same
4. Valerie June - Pushin' Against A Stone
3. Janelle Monae - The Electric Lady
2. Vampire Weekend - Modern Vampires of the City
1. Lady Lamb and the Beekeeper - Ripely Pine

Runners up:
1. Kendrick Lamar - good kid, m.A.A.d city. I was so torn about this.
2. Miley Cyrus - Bangerz. But only because I listened to "We Can't Stop" approximately 84 times in a row when it first came out and also because sometimes I have dreams about her...

P.S. If you're wondering why Yeezus isn't on here, let me tell you: I know that Kanye is "doing what no one else is doing" (by taking other people's music and making it his own), but his terrible fucking lyrics ruin every song. There, I said it.

Things I learned this weekend: A narrative.

I have anxiety coupled with a fear of heights, so flying isn't necessarily my favorite mode of transportation. However, over the years, I have learned that with a little alcohol, I enjoy the experience much more. On Friday, I got to the airport and through security with over an hour to spare, so decided to wait at Boston Beer Works instead of at the gate. When I ordered an IPA, the bartender informed that it is a "strong beer" and made me try it to be sure I liked it. I'm sure this was supposed to be considered good customer service, but I found it pretty condescending. Once I got over it, I relaxed quite a bit, in fact, so much so that I almost missed my flight. I've never been so nonchalant about flying before -- proof that beer is good for the soul.

While flying, I thought about how cool it is to live in 2013. Like, you can watch TV in the air. That is pretty fucking cool, right? Also, clouds are pretty cool. Look:

Science.

There's a chance I was drunk while I had this revelation, but whatever.  I just love technology, you guys (while also having no idea how it works).

The weather in DC this weekend wasn't the best, though somehow my friend and I managed to walk over 10 miles on Saturday in really impractical shoes while also really hungover. Not sure what we were thinking. On Friday night, I reverted back to my 24-year-old self by drinking vodka sodas and aggressively dancing to Lady Gaga. This probably sounds ignorant, but I love watching white people dance, don't you? It's just, like, so uncoordinated and uncomfortable. Also, everyone at this particular bar was either in college or just graduated and therefore DTF, if you know what I mean. So much adolescent grinding.

Overall, my trip to DC was really great: we saw this awesome band play at a holiday market; I ate french fries every day; and I convinced my friends to spend their Sunday in bar watching football and drinking craft beer.

(Note the washtub bass.)

The only downfall was the fact that some teen-aged dick ripped my THROWBACK PATRIOTS HAT THAT IS NO LONGER AVAILABLE ONLINE OR AT THE PATRIOTS PRO SHOP off my head and ran away with it like a little fucking brat. I don't really hate people, but I feel like it's possible I hate that kid. I'm sure his life sucks, so stealing people's shit makes him feel successful in some way, but I will never see that hat again, so really my life is worse.

Obligatory cat photo.

On that note, the Pats game on Sunday was AMAZING. Totally. But I would absolutely hand back that W to get Gronk back.

Serendipity Fail.

I met this very attractive guy on the T the other day. He was wearing a Bills jersey. I asked him how long he had been waiting for the train and then we ended up talking the whole ride, since we just so happened to get on and off at the same stop (serendipity). He asked me questions about my life and said "after you" when we got off the T*. We then walked together to our respective destinations while talking about things like our neighborhood, and cancer research, and how excited we were to make it in time for kick off. And then, as we were parting ways, I shook his hand and noticed the ring on his finger.

So here is my message to everyone out there: Don't talk to me if you're married.

Just kidding.

(But seriously, probably don't.)

*Obviously not from Boston.

My thought process during The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

• These previews are making me feel hopeless for humanity.
• Frankenstein was the name of the DOCTOR. Fucking read, people.
• The only people who are going to see Vampire Academy are teenagers and pedophiles. In other words, hide your kids, hide your wife.
• The couple next to me is on a first or second date.
• He's talking a lot about himself. She's trying to sound cool by mentioning a scar on her leg that she got from a motorcycle. He doesn't really care about that because did you know he played football in high school?
• They both really hate when people talk during movies.
• SELF-AWARENESS.
• Katniss is bad ass. I should take up archery?
• These movies are MONUMENTALLY better than the books.
• I have become uncharacteristically sensitive and am on the verge of tears.
• Is Gale Miley Cyrus' boyfriend?
• I would like to have sex with Lenny Kravitz.
• I don't know, I guess Peta is kind of cute, too.
• Wait, but I'm so old now.
• It's over already? 
• Maybe I should try to finish book three.
• Nah.