Resolutions

I usually come up with one resolution that is easily doable so that I feel accomplished. Things like, give blood, or kiss a straight guy at midnight, or "get into whiskey". This year, however, I've come up with twelve resolutions because I'm currently on a mission to dramatically change my life. Twelve resolutions in twelve months. NBD.

To do:

1. Buy fresh foods.

2. Cook said foods.

3. Make my own damn coffee (also known as, save some fucking money, you poor).

4. Eliminate fat talk from my vocabulary.

5. Be less internety.

6. "Advance professionally"

7. Perform at an open mic night.
8. WRITE A BOOK.
9.  Go to sleep at a reasonable hour/fall asleep/stay asleep/SLEEP.
10. Get up early enough to walk to work.
11. Learn how to paint my nails.
12. Get on GirlCode.

Those are pretty reasonable, right? What are your resolutions?

Things I learned this weekend: Winter Break Edition

1. I feel at home in Harlem.

2. The term "pork bun" means something different at every Chinese restaurant.

3. At some point, Christmas trees start smelling like cat pee.

4. Therefore, my friend Patrick and I created a new holiday tradition of tearing down the tree on Christmas Eve.

5. I saw Joan Rivers at the bar. She looked like her face could shatter into a million pieces at any moment.

6. I can wear red lipstick in public.

7. I use one day of Christmas to justify 10 days of drinking.

8. And 2 days of Domino's.    

9. And 40 hours of television.
10. I really am Liz Lemon.

Beyoncé

Beyoncé's new self-titled album has been on repeat on my iPod for over a week now. I'll be the first to admit I have not always been a fan of hers, but this album has blown my mind. BLOWN MY MIND. It's a perfect combination of femininity and feminism. Those two things can go together, believe it or not.

Of course, a lot of people have been hating on Beyoncé claiming that she is not a "real feminist", and to them, I have this to say:

1) The quickest/easiest way to be anti-feminist is by bashing other women, especially those on top, so good job.
2) Learn something about hip-hop. The industry is notorious for hyper-masculinity and objectification of women. Watch any music video for 30 seconds. Now here's Beyoncé taking ownership of her sexuality (and also occasionally Jay-Z) in a sophisticated way. And I say, GET IT, GIRL.
3) Speaking of Jay-Z, why do we barely even bat an eye when he proclaims himself "the best rapper alive", but criticize Beyoncé for her "overconfidence"?
4) The idea that women have to be perfect all the time is debilitating, not to mention one of the major reasons why the feminist movement exists in the first place. So how does it help to expect women to be perfect feminists? Guess what! Women can be empowered and influential and also like sex and make-up and fame.
5) Have you even listened to this album? Because, for real, it is incredible.

It's the most wonderful time of the year?

I'm not going to go so far as to call myself a grinch -- that's a little too drastic -- but I will tell you that I don't really care about Christmas. I know, I know, this is horrifying to most people. Don't get me wrong, I love the lights, and the music, and the refined sugar, and (most of all) the extra time off, but when it comes to shopping and wrapping and the mayhem and guilt associated with Christmas, I just can't. And there's always guilt. I didn't spend enough; I spent too much; I should have gone to that party; I'M NOT DOING ENOUGH. 

THERE'S NO TIME. THERE'S NEVER ANY TIME.

And all of this just totally defeats the purpose of a holiday. I don't like feeling pressured to celebrate. I just want to sit on my ass in pajamas and drink some bourbon and eat a lot of things involving butter and not feel bad about all the other things I didn't do. Nah mean?

This year, I'm spending the holiday in NYC with one of my best friends, Patrick. We're mainly going to sit and eat and hopefully wait in line for hours to skate for 10 minutes at Rockefeller Center.  I'm also really interested in finding a muff. This kind, you guys. Get your heads out of the gutter. 

Since I'm not going home this year, I invited my family up this weekend. I had no idea we were exchanging gifts, so I didn't get them anything because I'm a deadbeat  because spending time together is the most important thing anyway. Well, they all showed up with bags of the most perfect presents including this dope portable speaker, a Game of Thrones pint glass, and so much beer (apparently they know me well).

Bad ass.

In return, I told my dad to park in the driveway next to my apartment and consequently got his car towed.

Happy holidays!

You guys, no one has used this M-F driveway in months and my landlord is "on vacation" and it's fucking Christmastime. Whatever. A quick $131 later we were back at my apartment in time to watch the Patriots humiliate the Ravens, so the day still ended well. However, needless to say, I definitely failed at Christmas this year. See what I mean about the guilt?  At least, I can give you all this:

Shame spiral.

I just want to quickly summarize last night for you. I went to a holiday party at work, which is where it all started going downhill. Anytime there is free stuff around (in this case alcohol), I instinctively revert back into poor kid mode and think I have to stock up because THIS MIGHT NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. It's important to remember, however, that not only will it absolutely happen again, but also that I am not poor. But I was not rational last night, obviously.

A lot of wine was consumed at the party, which resulted in my drunk texting like a fucking crazy person at 7 PM. 7 PM, you guys. Listen, if you are drunk texting at 7 pm, you have got to reevaluate your life, okay? The only thing that makes this sort of okay is that my texts are 1) generally incomprehensible and 2) hopefully hilarious.

Sort of like this.

At that point (7 pm), I definitely should have sent myself home, but my friend had texted me that he was at a bar near my apartment so I was like "yeah, I should totally keep drinking!" We met up at the bar, where I:

a) met his friend who was celebrating his birthday

b) bought SHOTS (Why? And don't. And no.)

c) tried to pay with my Zipcar card

d) left my bag unattended at the bar for a significant period of time

Apparently people in my neighborhood are trustworthy and honest. That, or they're too drunk to notice an unattended bag. Either way. Anyway, then I proclaimed to my friends that I was going to die if I didn't eat something ASAP (because I'm extra dramatic when I'm drunk), so we left to get food. The only adult thing that happened last night was that I chose truffle mac & cheese for my drunk food. But then I immediately felt like I was going to throw up, so I threw all the cash I had (aka three dollars) on the table and rushed home. On that note, special thanks to my friends (including the birthday boy whom I just met and made pay for my food) for picking up the tab. 

I'm 27. 

Weight-less

I'm kind of a hypocrite (read: totally a hypocrite) because I often preach about having a positive body image when I don't really myself. That's mostly because I hope that by projecting a certain attitude, one day I'll actually adopt it myself. And maybe other people will, too. So it's not fully reprehensible.

Anyway, I want to tell you about something I've stopped doing recently that has been really really amazing. And that thing is weighing myself.  It was an obsession of mine for a very long time. Like an every day kind of obsession, even though I knew (and expressed to the world) how awful and self-sabotaging it was. I read many books and articles about why you shouldn't weigh yourself, and said to myself, "What a great idea!", until finally, one day, I actually took that advice. Though, I will admit, I didn't actively stop weighing myself; I simply became too busy. And, after a while, it just basically fell out of habit. Kind of like flossing your teeth, but with a much healthier outcome. Regardless, it's been great for me. And probably everyone around me.

I'm still quite tempted by the scale in my bathroom, but I've been enjoying my ignorance so much that it keeps me from going back.

Is this what normal feels like? I'm not sure. I still have a long way to go. But for those of you who can relate, which I sadly assume is many, I highly recommend this small change.

Dungeons & Dragons

Pretty sure I was totally convinced to play Dungeons & Dragons last night. I don't know why that game has gotten such bad press. Do you know how awesome it is? You can turn into a unicorn if you want to.

Did you guys read that, though? YOU CAN TURN INTO A UNICORN, IF YOU WANT TO.

According to the people who explained the game to me, you can be whatever you want to be. I was told I would make a good wizard because of my charisma. I decided I would like to be a sorceress instead. Technicalities. Also, there are direwolves in this game. I feel like I have missed out on so many years of magic, you guys!

I am not embarrassed to be this excited right now. The only problem I foresee is that apparently there are very few dragons in the game, which seems like bullshit and false advertising to me. However, if you can really be whatever you want to be, then I can probably have a pet dragon. I feel like all my dreams are about to come true. I also requested that, should I join a Dungeons & Dragons league -- league?! -- that we dress up for every game. I'll make any excuse to wear a costume.

On another note, I really hope you all continue to be friends with me.

Boys cry, too.

Happy Monday!

As per usual, I don't have much to say, but if you haven't watched this yet, please do so right away:

Other than that, in terms of what I learned this weekend, it mainly boils down to the fact that sinus infections are fucking disgusting. I am basically a walking Mucinex commercial right now. I just want you to imagine how sexy that is. 

Also, The Little Mermaid has a pretty terrible story-line, but I was, like, weirdly attracted to Prince Eric while watching it this weekend. He's a cartoon character, you guys. So.

TTYL.

Best Albums of 2013

It's that time of year when I make a list of my favorite albums from the past 12 months and no one gives a shit about it but I do it anyway because it's important to me. Also because I'm a music snob and want to impress you with my varied taste and expertise regarding musical talent.

So here it is, my top 10 of 2013 (in sort of a particular order):

10. Justin Timberlake - The 20/20 Experience (Part 1. Part 2 is marginal. Sorry.)
9. Lorde - Pure Heroine 
8. Laura Stevenson - Wheel
7. John Legend - Love In The Future
6. Arcade Fire - Reflektor
5. Drake - Nothing Was The Same
4. Valerie June - Pushin' Against A Stone
3. Janelle Monae - The Electric Lady
2. Vampire Weekend - Modern Vampires of the City
1. Lady Lamb and the Beekeeper - Ripely Pine

Runners up:
1. Kendrick Lamar - good kid, m.A.A.d city. I was so torn about this.
2. Miley Cyrus - Bangerz. But only because I listened to "We Can't Stop" approximately 84 times in a row when it first came out and also because sometimes I have dreams about her...

P.S. If you're wondering why Yeezus isn't on here, let me tell you: I know that Kanye is "doing what no one else is doing" (by taking other people's music and making it his own), but his terrible fucking lyrics ruin every song. There, I said it.

Things I learned this weekend: A narrative.

I have anxiety coupled with a fear of heights, so flying isn't necessarily my favorite mode of transportation. However, over the years, I have learned that with a little alcohol, I enjoy the experience much more. On Friday, I got to the airport and through security with over an hour to spare, so decided to wait at Boston Beer Works instead of at the gate. When I ordered an IPA, the bartender informed that it is a "strong beer" and made me try it to be sure I liked it. I'm sure this was supposed to be considered good customer service, but I found it pretty condescending. Once I got over it, I relaxed quite a bit, in fact, so much so that I almost missed my flight. I've never been so nonchalant about flying before -- proof that beer is good for the soul.

While flying, I thought about how cool it is to live in 2013. Like, you can watch TV in the air. That is pretty fucking cool, right? Also, clouds are pretty cool. Look:

Science.

There's a chance I was drunk while I had this revelation, but whatever.  I just love technology, you guys (while also having no idea how it works).

The weather in DC this weekend wasn't the best, though somehow my friend and I managed to walk over 10 miles on Saturday in really impractical shoes while also really hungover. Not sure what we were thinking. On Friday night, I reverted back to my 24-year-old self by drinking vodka sodas and aggressively dancing to Lady Gaga. This probably sounds ignorant, but I love watching white people dance, don't you? It's just, like, so uncoordinated and uncomfortable. Also, everyone at this particular bar was either in college or just graduated and therefore DTF, if you know what I mean. So much adolescent grinding.

Overall, my trip to DC was really great: we saw this awesome band play at a holiday market; I ate french fries every day; and I convinced my friends to spend their Sunday in bar watching football and drinking craft beer.

(Note the washtub bass.)

The only downfall was the fact that some teen-aged dick ripped my THROWBACK PATRIOTS HAT THAT IS NO LONGER AVAILABLE ONLINE OR AT THE PATRIOTS PRO SHOP off my head and ran away with it like a little fucking brat. I don't really hate people, but I feel like it's possible I hate that kid. I'm sure his life sucks, so stealing people's shit makes him feel successful in some way, but I will never see that hat again, so really my life is worse.

Obligatory cat photo.

On that note, the Pats game on Sunday was AMAZING. Totally. But I would absolutely hand back that W to get Gronk back.

Serendipity Fail.

I met this very attractive guy on the T the other day. He was wearing a Bills jersey. I asked him how long he had been waiting for the train and then we ended up talking the whole ride, since we just so happened to get on and off at the same stop (serendipity). He asked me questions about my life and said "after you" when we got off the T*. We then walked together to our respective destinations while talking about things like our neighborhood, and cancer research, and how excited we were to make it in time for kick off. And then, as we were parting ways, I shook his hand and noticed the ring on his finger.

So here is my message to everyone out there: Don't talk to me if you're married.

Just kidding.

(But seriously, probably don't.)

*Obviously not from Boston.

My thought process during The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

• These previews are making me feel hopeless for humanity.
• Frankenstein was the name of the DOCTOR. Fucking read, people.
• The only people who are going to see Vampire Academy are teenagers and pedophiles. In other words, hide your kids, hide your wife.
• The couple next to me is on a first or second date.
• He's talking a lot about himself. She's trying to sound cool by mentioning a scar on her leg that she got from a motorcycle. He doesn't really care about that because did you know he played football in high school?
• They both really hate when people talk during movies.
• SELF-AWARENESS.
• Katniss is bad ass. I should take up archery?
• These movies are MONUMENTALLY better than the books.
• I have become uncharacteristically sensitive and am on the verge of tears.
• Is Gale Miley Cyrus' boyfriend?
• I would like to have sex with Lenny Kravitz.
• I don't know, I guess Peta is kind of cute, too.
• Wait, but I'm so old now.
• It's over already? 
• Maybe I should try to finish book three.
• Nah. 

Turkey Trot 2013

Every year, I sign up for some dumb 5k because it's the hip thing to do and then, as the day approaches, I remember that I fucking hate running and am filled with regret. When it comes to running, the only thing I'm (usually) good at is making playlists, but this year, I'm feeling insecure about my song choices.

Do you guys have any suggestions? I'm looking for songs that can make me forget I'm having trouble breathing, specifically.

Help.

Oh, and also: Happy Thanksgiving.

Boo, playing the role of a native. Me, playing the role of an asshole.

Things I learned this weekend

1. Ambien is amazing.
2. Tom Brady is amazing.

3. Miley Cyrus is amazing?

4. Sometimes when you're old, you watch the Disney Channel and go to bed at 10 on a Saturday night.
5. Also, UP was made for children? This doesn't seem appropriate.
6. I am a little concerned I'll miss Thanksgiving dinner on account of how long it's going to take me to complete the turkey trot I'm signed up for.

7. Sometimes you go meet your friends for a drink and they never say hi to you because they "opened a tab at the other side of the bar". (Still bitter about this, guys.)
8. I'm going on a date with a guy from England who is going back to England in two days. So that seems worthwhile.
9. On that note, my new year's resolution is going to be to date men in my own city / country.
10. Back up resolution: More cats.

Hunt or be hunted.

So, last week, Steve Harvey told a female soldier that women shouldn't propose to men (and also to take her clothes off). And then, I read this absolutely terrible article in the Atlantic in which a man with frosted tips tells women how to be appropriately feminine and submissive. And THEN, someone told me,  "A relationship can never work if the girl goes after the guy." What?! I'm constantly wondering what century I live in.

Obviously, this deeply troubled me since I'm not the damsel-in-distress type (except when I have the flu, in which case RESCUE ME) and also I have almost no patience whatsoever. I've definitely made the first move, and while I'm totally still single (call me!), I'd like to think that's not the reason why. 

So let's talk about this. I already started polling my straight, male friends and will share with you my qualitative research, but I'd love for you all to chime-in in the comments as well. 

The general consensus, so far, is that it doesn't matter, as you may have guessed. Some guys said they would prefer to be hunted because they "have no game", some because they're "lazy", some because it's "sexy". One of my friends pointed out, however, that he thinks women are typically less likely to be forward, so he assumes he has to be the one to make the first move, which, in my opinion, could be because their friends tell them no relationship will ever work out if they go after someone. Or maybe it's just human nature. Still, not one of my friends said they would be turned off by a girl making a move because who in the world doesn't like feeling desired? No one. That is just science. However, if the girl turns out to be obsessive or way more into it than the guy, then no, the relationship won't work out. But, like, duh? 

In the words of my friend Brennan: "There's a confident forward, and a creepy forward. If she looks like she's going to take my organs in my sleep, then it's bad, but someone who knows what they want is a lot more attractive than sheepish."

What do you think?

Things I learned this weekend

1. Sometimes you just need to be around the people who have known you the longest.

2. 98 Degrees had INARGUABLY the best harmonies of all the boy bands.

3. I have always been able to sing better than Britney Spears.
4. The definition of "panty slushies". I can't even. You're going to have to look that up yourself.
5. I can hold a baby without panicking.
6. Probably because I'm so good at holding cats.

7. If you wait ten minutes to buy a flight, the cost goes up $100.
8. I hate running but keep signing myself up for 5ks.
9. Getting an A+ on your fantasy draft means absolute shit during the season. Shit.
10. This woman knows what's up:

Oh, also, vote for me HERE so that I can win lots and lots of wine.

Lovesya. 

Things I learned this weekend

1. Going to the laundromat is like going to the gym: so dreadful, but so rewarding.
2. Bridget Jones's Diary is extremely relevant to my life.
3. So is Anna Karenina, though I'm only about 80 pages in and have approximately 600 more to go.

Yeah, I still write in my books.

4. I have the best roommate who will sacrifice her night to take me out because I've been screamo emo lately.

5. The Beat Hotel is awesome.
6. So is Aabaraki, who played there on Saturday.

7. We did spend TWENTY-TWO DOLLARS on hummus, but at least it was the best damn hummus I've ever had.
8. I am too ashamed to tell you how much I spent on manhattans.
9. The Arnold Arboretum is gorgeous. It only took me 5 years of living here to figure that out.

10. There are some scary M-F birds there, though.

Would totes murder your ass.

Steve Harvey on Veterans Day

Today, on The Steve Harvey Show*, a female veteran called in to ask Steve what his thoughts were on a woman proposing to a man. His response was, "Why would you do that?" And then he proceeded to describe how she could take off her uniform when her man got home because she was taking her sergeant role too far.

THIS IS REAL LIFE.

So, if any of you were wondering why I chose not to go on his show...

Let's honor all of our veterans today.




*Disclaimer:  This was what was on when I turned on the TV.

Halloween Candy

I am shocked and dismayed at the severe lack of Halloween candy there is in my office. There are so many people in this MF building with children to apparently no benefit. You are not getting your money's worth, people!

If I had kids, I would make it rain on Halloween. I would take my kids to so many different neighborhoods. And some neighborhoods do trick-or-treating on non-Halloween days, so we could potentially go every day of the week.  They would think I am the best mom, but mostly I'd just be using them for refined carbohydrates. But, whatever. It's like, I pushed you out, so it's the least you can do, right?

Of course, when we got home I would take the candy away and tell them it needs to be rationed because childhood obesity or whatever. But in reality I'd be closet-eating that shit nightly. Also, my sister said young kids forget about their candy. They just fucking forget! So, it's not like they'd be that heart-broken about it.

What I'm saying is: Dear coworkers, you're doing it wrong. Love, Future Mother-of-the-Year

Victory

I'm still reeling from last night's win. (I'm also still sleeping, I think.) I just can't think of a more deserving team than the 2013 Red Sox. They played like champions the whole season. They showed so much camaraderie and sportsmanship, not to mention talent. Just based on athleticism alone, they deserved to win. But on top of that, I think our city needed it.

Boston has had a rough year. And that is not to diminish the hardships people have experienced in other cities and places around the world. I think it's so important to recognize how lucky we really are. But still, the tragedies of the Boston Marathon have been looming over us for months - since the beginning of the baseball season. So, how wonderful it is to think that, although we started at this miserable place, we ended up feeling victorious. Last night, we were jubilant, and though I think we were all remembering that day in April, we were not letting it overshadow us.

I chose never to write about the marathon because I couldn't. And because for the last year and a half or so I've been wanting out of Boston. But sometimes, especially nights like these, I feel so proud to be part of this city, to have known it for so long, to call it home.

Unless one of you flipped over a car, in which case, I'm embarrassed to know you.

Idolatry

When people say women aren't funny, I assume they have no sense of humor. Or are just assholes. They're also probably the kind of people who think they're hilarious because they can quote a Will Ferrell movie. I mean he's funny, but that doesn't make you funny, you know?

The other night, I was watching VH1's Women of SNL special, which I've seen no less than 10 times and never get bored of. I mean, the ladies kind of own that show, am I right? So amazing. I want to be like them, as well as many other female comedians who are just brilliant in every sense of the word.

These are my heroes:

Tina Fey - Duh. But, for the record, we have a lot more in common than our glasses.

Kristen Wiig - I wish I could make my face look like yours, especially when you're doing this:

Amy Poehler - Because she reps girl power 24/7.

Sheri Oteri - WHERE ARE YOU  NOW?!  This is possibly my favorite SNL sketch of all time:

Non SNL heroes:

Megan Amram - Probably my favorite thing to come out of Harvard (and onto Twitter):

Mindy Kaling - We have the same body type, and according to your television show, men are attracted to it.

And last but not least, the one and only...

Sarah Silverman - Technically, she was a writer for SNL, but her skits never got chosen. Whatever, Sarah, I think you're perfect in every way:

Thank you for inspiring me always.

Reflektor

I just want to let you all know that the new Arcade Fire album, Reflektor, is on Spotify now. I feel pretty great about it; however, I will admit, when I first listened, I was like, "Wow, they're really channeling their inner Bowie on the title track," which quickly transitioned to, YOU'LL NEVER BE HIM SO STOP TRYING. And then I went on Google and discovered it's actually Bowie on the track so I'm a fucking loser.

First love.

But yeah, check it out:

Things I learned this weekend

1. It's exciting to have a weekend to yourself until you realize you're alone.
2. Summer Heights High is a show I wish I discovered years ago.

3. No matter how long you scrub your old Boston apartment tub, it will never really look or feel clean.
4. It took me two hours to clean my room/closet aka I am never allowed to go shopping again.
5. Give your guy friends a pie and they'll make a lot of jokes about your vagina.

6. The only reason why the Patriots win is because I have my fingers crossed.
7. It's totally unnecessary to facetime at the gym.

Just making sure you guys know I work out.

8. Cats behave better when you actually spend time with them.
9. Even if you do things like this:

POS kind of mother.

10. I am too old for the World Series.

Things I learned this weekend

1. New Yorkers can be nice. For instance, three strangers rushed to help me hail a cab.  I must have looked really good or really hapless.

2. Cat costumes are boring except for the tail.

3. It would be so cool to have a tail, though. 

4. Reading The Book Thief on the bus is an excellent reminder that being stuck in traffic is not the worst thing that could happen to you; Nazi Germany is.

5. Adults have bartenders at their house parties. Bartenders!

6. When I drink vodka, I try to set my gay friends up with straight guys.

7. I also steal ribbons from a Halloween decoration to make a collar so that my costume is more "authentic".

8. Referees are life-ruiners. They ruin people's lives.

9. Every once in a while, I listen to Radiohead for 4 hours and pretend to be introspective. 

10. Exit Music (For a Film) is one of the best songs ever made. I have emotional and physical responses whenever I hear it.

Nothing Was The Same

I am inappropriately obsessed with Drake's new album, Nothing Was The Same.

I honestly haven't cared much about Drake since he played Jimmy on Degrassi, and even then, I was more into Craig, despite the fact that he gave everyone gonorrhea in 8th grade because IT GOES THERE (Degrassi tagline).

100% gonorrhea

Anyway, I used to think Drake looked like Little Foot from The Land Before Time, but now I think he's sexy because we've both matured and also I've been single for a really long time.

Doppelganger

Moreover, Nothing Was The Same makes me understand what Amanda Bynes was talking about. And if you don't know what I'm referring to, you'll have to Google it since I'm too classy to repeat it here and also because my dad reads this sometimes. 

Wink.

On the album, Drake kind of/sort of flirts with feminism, which makes me even more *excited*, since it's almost impossible for me to listen to hip-hop without feeling like a hypocrite (but I do it anyway). Then again, he also talks a lot about all the money he has because that is apparently the only way to sell hip-hop records in America. So, it's a little bit confusing, but whatever. I'm still totally obsessed with it/him. 

Right.

PLUS, he's half black AND half Jewish, which means he could fulfill all my dreams of being in an interracial relationship with someone who will celebrate Jewish holidays with me. So, I really hope he's reading this. Well, I mean, everything except for the Little Foot part.

Things I learned this weekend

1. The surest way to feel old as shit is by going to homecoming.

          1a. Some guy I met in line for the bathroom guessed that I was 27 and then said, "No, there's no way               you're that old."

          1b. Another guy I met in line for the bathroom told me he kills bunnies for a living. #NewHampshire

2. Since I graduated, UNH has become infinitely nicer but also less fun. 

3. And/or I think everyone does coke now instead of binge drinking. Kids these days.

4. Even if you haven't seen her in years, your sorority sister will take your contact out of your eye for you.

5. The room I lived in for 2 years was deemed "unlivable" right after I graduated, so I almost definitely have some lingering disease.

6. College was absolutely the fattest time of my life, mainly because I lived in a sorority house with a kitchen that was fully stocked with chips and macaroni & cheese and cookie dough at all times. 

          6a. This made our house the most popular place to be at 3 am.

          6b. The way to a guy's heart (penis) is through his stomach. 

7. Now, my sorority locks the refrigerator, which only has yogurt in it anyway. I guess they're concerned about health or something.

8. I can't remember the last time I slept.
9. Target does not carry sexy direwolf costumes.

Sexy + Direwolf

10. One day, I will write a real blog post again.